Fun facts* to brighten your Friday

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I love it when my friends post happy things on Facebook that make me forget that the world is full of terrorists, GMOs, and Glenn Beck. So I decided to contribute to your happiness with these fun, little-known facts, sure to bring a smile to your face:

  • The popular children’s character Barney was originally conceived as refrigerator box with googly eyes. Test viewers found the box overly sexual, so the creators settled on an androgynous purple dinosaur.
  •  We shouldn’t feel bad about eating pigs because 85% of them are suicidal.
  • If you eat paper clips, your colon will become more organized.
  • The first choice for Vivian in “Pretty Woman” was not Julia Roberts. It was Bea Arthur! But she and Richard Gere had shared a tumultuous love affair years before, and he stole her cat Mr. Knickers when she dumped him for a pre-Xenu Tom Cruise. Ms. Arthur went to her grave angry with Gere over Mr. Knickers.
  • If you see someone with a weak chin, you can assume he/she has a weak bladder.
  • If you go barefoot and step on worm eggs, your foot will get pregnant with worm babies.

Happy Friday, friends!

*Facts might not be an accurate description of what you just read.

Pop Music

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I heard a song on the radio today. It was a very bad song. It was about a place where everyone is young and thin and good-looking, but no one has to work for it. They all eat nachos all day and remain fantastically thin and good-looking and no one has zits or wrinkles. I decided I wouldn’t like this place. It’s a place I would like to ruin with my recklessness and then pretend it was my favorite place. I’d even wear the custom t-shirt to prove I was there.

Cameron Diaz: A celebration in pictures

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The beloved American actress Cameron Michelle Diaz was born August 30, 1972. Here’s what Michael Jackson looked like when Cameron Diaz was born:

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It’s no surprise that this human ray of sunshine was born in San Deigo, California. Larry Wilcox from CHiPs fame is also from San Deigo:
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Ms. Diaz signed with Elite Model Management at the age of 16, and landed her first Seventeen magazine cover the following year. She was 17 on the cover of Seventeen.  I bet Kip Winger of the band Winger really enjoyed that. You know, since he had that pervy song about a 17-year-old.

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At the age of 21, Cameron landed her first movie role in The Mask, opposite mega-star Jim Carrey. That was in 1994, the same year Kurt Cobain died.

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Cameron’s career took off like meth-addled race horse from there! A few (it was so hard to narrow down the list) of my favorites have been A Life Less Ordinary (1997),

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Being John Malkovich (1999),

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and Bad Teacher (2011).

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I can’t wait to see what this ageless powerhouse does next!  You go, Cameron Diaz!

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John Mayer is addicted to liking himself

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Last week John Mayer went on the Today show to tell the world that he is a “recovered ego addict”. Does this mean he’s not the giant douche that we all thought he was? Of course! Just like Tiger Woods with his sex addiction that made him poke every Denny’s waitress across the Midwest, John has a problem that got a little out of hand. What can we learn from John’s brave declaration?

  • Praise is poison and it makes you act like a frat-boy assclown. Only hang out with people who tell you how much you suck. Added bonus if the friends also tell you your butt looks huge in those pants.
  • Talent makes you an asshole. It’s best to be really, really bad at stuff. Mediocrity should be your highest goal.
  • No matter how horrible you behave, if you put the word “addiction” with another word, the media will call you “troubled” instead of “narcissistic”.
  • Katy Perry’s boobs are magical enough to make someone seek help.
  • Calling your own penis a racist is a side-effect of ego-addiction, not a side-effect of douchebaggery.
  • Making up a justification for bad behavior doesn’t make you a bad person, but being a smug self-absorbed twat does.

Why you should not wear a bellhop uniform tomorrow, just in case you are considering it:

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1. You were never a bellhop, so if you are mistaken for one it will only lead to shenanigans. You will take bags to the wrong room, ruining vacation for some family from Sheboygan. They haven’t left Sheboygan in over a decade! Don’t be that guy.

2. You borrowed the uniform from your cousin without asking him, and then you forgot to return it. He lost his job because he went to work without it. If he sees you in it, he’ll probably stab you repeatedly with a letter opener because he has that weird letter opener collection.

3. You were not in The Grand Budapest Hotel. Stop telling people that. It hasn’t gotten you laid yet, and it’s not going to.

4. It will put you in danger of losing your arm. Haven’t you seen Hot Tub Time Machine? We can all learn a lesson from Crispin Glover. And that lesson is bell hopping is a dangerous limb-losing path. That and you shouldn’t collect rats (Willard is the creepiest movie EVER).

5. You work at Hooters.

6. There’s nothing you can do to recreate your lost years. Fabricating a life as a bellhop will only drive you further into madness.

7. You’re already banned from every Hilton in the United States for impersonating a staff member. Do you really want to add the Holiday Inn to that last? Keep it up and you’ll be forced to stay at the Hampton Inn for the rest of your life.

8. It’s two sizes too small. You’re not fooling anyone. Stop trying to fool yourself.

9. No one has a bellhop fetish. It’s not a thing, stop trying to make it one.

10. Everyone who sees you will think about how cute bellhop uniforms look on monkeys, and then everyone will wish you were a monkey. Do you want to be a monkey? Because if everyone who sees you wishes you are monkey, you will probably start behaving like one just from all that pro-monkey energy being forced your way. You’ll definitely lose your job at Hooters if you throw feces.

Seven things you don’t know about me

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My girl Linda tagged me on Facebook to do this days ago, but it got too long for an FB post. And I needed a blog post. I’m nothing if not a multi-tasker.

  1. I still wonder if Anne Heche is okay. She had that big ecstasy-meltdown, then she married a man and he sued for custody of their son. She wrote that book Call Me Crazy about speaking in her made-up language. That stuff doesn’t go away overnight. Call me, Anne. Let’s have a check-in.

2. I don’t judge Courtney Love for her life choices. She’s made some really bad ones, sure, but I have not walked a mile in her Mary Janes. And no matter what drugs she does, her style is fabulous.

3. I’m pretty sure that with enough effort, I can look like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. I’ve just never tried hard enough. Who knows? Maybe by the end of 2015 I’ll look like this:

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4. I think if we all stopped paying attention to Kanye West, he would disappear. We would hear a little sound like “blip”, then we would hear him call out a slow, long “Kannnnyyyyyeee”, and then he would be gone.

5. I believe we should try number 4.

6. Bill Murray is the oldest man I have a crush on.

7. Michigan winter eats my soul. Most of you guys probably already knew that.

Is this what Charlie Sheen was talking about?

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I am on Day 19 of the Whole30 program. What this means is that for the past 18 days, I’ve had no sugar, dairy, grains, legumes, or alcohol. I’m not starving myself. I’m eating a high-fat, additive-free diet.

The first couple of weeks sucked hard. There’s no way to gloss over how crappy I felt. I was tired, cranky, headachey, and really angry. The only thing that kept me going was the two friends that I had enlisted to do the program with me. I couldn’t quit since I had roped them into this nightmare.

But now, you guys, it’s freaking tiger blood time. It wasn’t my choice to call it tiger blood. That’s what ‘they’ tell you you’ll feel like, and it’s a pretty accurate term. I have tons of energy, I’ve lost weight, I’m in a great mood, and my headaches have been reduced. I heal from workouts in a few hours rather than days. I’m a different person than I was a month ago.

The reason for this post is to inform my readers that I am, indeed, becoming one of THOSE people. I will special order, I will politely decline sugar-laden treats (which used to be my favorite thing in the entire world), and I will even turn my back on my beloved nachos to maintain this level of health. At least I hope so. If anyone sees me eating a cupcake after the 30 days is up, you have my permission to slap it from my hand and kick me in the shins. However, I’m not giving up wine and you can’t make me.

I am definitely not trying to get anyone to drink the Kool-Aid. Actually, you really can’t have Kool-Aid, that shit is terrible for you. I’m only saying that I had no idea I could feel so freaking great, and I think it’s worth sharing.

If any of you guys are still reading and don’t hate my high-functioning guts by now, here’s a link to the website for more information. This is a not a paid endorsement, and the program is free:

http://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/