Guest post by Jenna Brand: How to Dress for Your Body Shape


Apple: With an ample bust and skinnier legs, a short wrap dress may be your best look.

Pear: Your hips don’t lie, that’s for sure! Try drawing attention to your top with bright blouses, a deep neckline, and that perfect necklace.

Violin: Commonly recognized as a deformity of the hips, cover your multiple lumps with a circle skirt, or perhaps a dense tutu for ultimate coverage.

Teddy Bear: Bulbous ears and an intensely huggable tummy can only be embraced. Whenever you find a fun item that fits and doesn’t catch on your fur, buy it and enjoy! Celebrate who you are – What you look like does not define you.

Kate Upton*: At 5’10” and 144lbs, your BMI is 20.7. Although this falls into the middle of the normal range, it’s time to take your body seriously. You are a fat monster and no one will love you at a size 8.

*There is an exception for the actual Kate Upton who is gorgeous and one of just two models to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated two years in a row.  

Shampoo Bottle: Varies by brand. Look for clothing items made for various bottle shapes.

Matchstick: Also known as “Spoon Shaped,” you have a lovely head on top of a barely distinguishable, frail body. You hardly take up any space at all, like an Olsen Twin! Almost any outfit will look amazing on you. Congratulations!

Ethereal: You have less of a “body” and more of a “being.” Flatter your swirling, pangendered Omega aura with a peasant skirt or just glitter.

Human Shaped: Varies by person. Look for clothing items made for humans

Jenna Brand is a wife, mother, and investment banking news aggregator. She was molded from the shores of Paradise Island and posts pictures of her pretty quilts here.

Children’s books you’ve never heard of


My daughter brought home BJ Novak’s The Book With No Pictures from the school library last week. It’s a delightful book that we read 100 times before she returned it. But as a struggling writer, I have to acknowledge that for every children’s book that gets published (I was going to go into a rant here about celebrity books getting special treatment but I can’t because BJ Novak is a hella good writer), there are a thousand or so that never make it to the bookshelves. Here’s a small sampling of children’s books that you’ll never have the opportunity to read:

Your Parents Got a Divorce Because You’re a Jerk

You’re Right, Your Boobs Will Never Grow

When You’re Naughty God Kills a Child in Africa

Everybody Thinks You’re Weird

Santa Does Exist Because He’s the Devil

Your Mom is a Stripper, Not a Ballerina

Your Spirit Animal is an Earthworm

There’s a Portal to Hell in Your Basement But It Won’t Swallow You If You Obey Your Parents

So the next time you read a good book, please take a second to consider the writers who work hard every day only to be told that their books aren’t good enough or too creepy for children. Just because kids are sissies doesn’t mean that a talented writer’s voice should be ignored.



Fun facts* to brighten your Friday


I love it when my friends post happy things on Facebook that make me forget that the world is full of terrorists, GMOs, and Glenn Beck. So I decided to contribute to your happiness with these fun, little-known facts, sure to bring a smile to your face:

  • The popular children’s character Barney was originally conceived as refrigerator box with googly eyes. Test viewers found the box overly sexual, so the creators settled on an androgynous purple dinosaur.
  •  We shouldn’t feel bad about eating pigs because 85% of them are suicidal.
  • If you eat paper clips, your colon will become more organized.
  • The first choice for Vivian in “Pretty Woman” was not Julia Roberts. It was Bea Arthur! But she and Richard Gere had shared a tumultuous love affair years before, and he stole her cat Mr. Knickers when she dumped him for a pre-Xenu Tom Cruise. Ms. Arthur went to her grave angry with Gere over Mr. Knickers.
  • If you see someone with a weak chin, you can assume he/she has a weak bladder.
  • If you go barefoot and step on worm eggs, your foot will get pregnant with worm babies.

Happy Friday, friends!

*Facts might not be an accurate description of what you just read.

Pop Music


I heard a song on the radio today. It was a very bad song. It was about a place where everyone is young and thin and good-looking, but no one has to work for it. They all eat nachos all day and remain fantastically thin and good-looking and no one has zits or wrinkles. I decided I wouldn’t like this place. It’s a place I would like to ruin with my recklessness and then pretend it was my favorite place. I’d even wear the custom t-shirt to prove I was there.

Cameron Diaz: A celebration in pictures


The beloved American actress Cameron Michelle Diaz was born August 30, 1972. Here’s what Michael Jackson looked like when Cameron Diaz was born:


It’s no surprise that this human ray of sunshine was born in San Deigo, California. Larry Wilcox from CHiPs fame is also from San Deigo:

Ms. Diaz signed with Elite Model Management at the age of 16, and landed her first Seventeen magazine cover the following year. She was 17 on the cover of Seventeen.  I bet Kip Winger of the band Winger really enjoyed that. You know, since he had that pervy song about a 17-year-old.


At the age of 21, Cameron landed her first movie role in The Mask, opposite mega-star Jim Carrey. That was in 1994, the same year Kurt Cobain died.


Cameron’s career took off like meth-addled race horse from there! A few (it was so hard to narrow down the list) of my favorites have been A Life Less Ordinary (1997),


Being John Malkovich (1999),


and Bad Teacher (2011).


I can’t wait to see what this ageless powerhouse does next!  You go, Cameron Diaz!


John Mayer is addicted to liking himself


Last week John Mayer went on the Today show to tell the world that he is a “recovered ego addict”. Does this mean he’s not the giant douche that we all thought he was? Of course! Just like Tiger Woods with his sex addiction that made him poke every Denny’s waitress across the Midwest, John has a problem that got a little out of hand. What can we learn from John’s brave declaration?

  • Praise is poison and it makes you act like a frat-boy assclown. Only hang out with people who tell you how much you suck. Added bonus if the friends also tell you your butt looks huge in those pants.
  • Talent makes you an asshole. It’s best to be really, really bad at stuff. Mediocrity should be your highest goal.
  • No matter how horrible you behave, if you put the word “addiction” with another word, the media will call you “troubled” instead of “narcissistic”.
  • Katy Perry’s boobs are magical enough to make someone seek help.
  • Calling your own penis a racist is a side-effect of ego-addiction, not a side-effect of douchebaggery.
  • Making up a justification for bad behavior doesn’t make you a bad person, but being a smug self-absorbed twat does.

Why you should not wear a bellhop uniform tomorrow, just in case you are considering it:


1. You were never a bellhop, so if you are mistaken for one it will only lead to shenanigans. You will take bags to the wrong room, ruining vacation for some family from Sheboygan. They haven’t left Sheboygan in over a decade! Don’t be that guy.

2. You borrowed the uniform from your cousin without asking him, and then you forgot to return it. He lost his job because he went to work without it. If he sees you in it, he’ll probably stab you repeatedly with a letter opener because he has that weird letter opener collection.

3. You were not in The Grand Budapest Hotel. Stop telling people that. It hasn’t gotten you laid yet, and it’s not going to.

4. It will put you in danger of losing your arm. Haven’t you seen Hot Tub Time Machine? We can all learn a lesson from Crispin Glover. And that lesson is bell hopping is a dangerous limb-losing path. That and you shouldn’t collect rats (Willard is the creepiest movie EVER).

5. You work at Hooters.

6. There’s nothing you can do to recreate your lost years. Fabricating a life as a bellhop will only drive you further into madness.

7. You’re already banned from every Hilton in the United States for impersonating a staff member. Do you really want to add the Holiday Inn to that last? Keep it up and you’ll be forced to stay at the Hampton Inn for the rest of your life.

8. It’s two sizes too small. You’re not fooling anyone. Stop trying to fool yourself.

9. No one has a bellhop fetish. It’s not a thing, stop trying to make it one.

10. Everyone who sees you will think about how cute bellhop uniforms look on monkeys, and then everyone will wish you were a monkey. Do you want to be a monkey? Because if everyone who sees you wishes you are monkey, you will probably start behaving like one just from all that pro-monkey energy being forced your way. You’ll definitely lose your job at Hooters if you throw feces.