Why you should not wear a bellhop uniform tomorrow, just in case you are considering it:

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1. You were never a bellhop, so if you are mistaken for one it will only lead to shenanigans. You will take bags to the wrong room, ruining vacation for some family from Sheboygan. They haven’t left Sheboygan in over a decade! Don’t be that guy.

2. You borrowed the uniform from your cousin without asking him, and then you forgot to return it. He lost his job because he went to work without it. If he sees you in it, he’ll probably stab you repeatedly with a letter opener because he has that weird letter opener collection.

3. You were not in The Grand Budapest Hotel. Stop telling people that. It hasn’t gotten you laid yet, and it’s not going to.

4. It will put you in danger of losing your arm. Haven’t you seen Hot Tub Time Machine? We can all learn a lesson from Crispin Glover. And that lesson is bell hopping is a dangerous limb-losing path. That and you shouldn’t collect rats (Willard is the creepiest movie EVER).

5. You work at Hooters.

6. There’s nothing you can do to recreate your lost years. Fabricating a life as a bellhop will only drive you further into madness.

7. You’re already banned from every Hilton in the United States for impersonating a staff member. Do you really want to add the Holiday Inn to that last? Keep it up and you’ll be forced to stay at the Hampton Inn for the rest of your life.

8. It’s two sizes too small. You’re not fooling anyone. Stop trying to fool yourself.

9. No one has a bellhop fetish. It’s not a thing, stop trying to make it one.

10. Everyone who sees you will think about how cute bellhop uniforms look on monkeys, and then everyone will wish you were a monkey. Do you want to be a monkey? Because if everyone who sees you wishes you are monkey, you will probably start behaving like one just from all that pro-monkey energy being forced your way. You’ll definitely lose your job at Hooters if you throw feces.

Seven things you don’t know about me

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My girl Linda tagged me on Facebook to do this days ago, but it got too long for an FB post. And I needed a blog post. I’m nothing if not a multi-tasker.

  1. I still wonder if Anne Heche is okay. She had that big ecstasy-meltdown, then she married a man and he sued for custody of their son. She wrote that book Call Me Crazy about speaking in her made-up language. That stuff doesn’t go away overnight. Call me, Anne. Let’s have a check-in.

2. I don’t judge Courtney Love for her life choices. She’s made some really bad ones, sure, but I have not walked a mile in her Mary Janes. And no matter what drugs she does, her style is fabulous.

3. I’m pretty sure that with enough effort, I can look like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. I’ve just never tried hard enough. Who knows? Maybe by the end of 2015 I’ll look like this:

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4. I think if we all stopped paying attention to Kanye West, he would disappear. We would hear a little sound like “blip”, then we would hear him call out a slow, long “Kannnnyyyyyeee”, and then he would be gone.

5. I believe we should try number 4.

6. Bill Murray is the oldest man I have a crush on.

7. Michigan winter eats my soul. Most of you guys probably already knew that.

Is this what Charlie Sheen was talking about?

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I am on Day 19 of the Whole30 program. What this means is that for the past 18 days, I’ve had no sugar, dairy, grains, legumes, or alcohol. I’m not starving myself. I’m eating a high-fat, additive-free diet.

The first couple of weeks sucked hard. There’s no way to gloss over how crappy I felt. I was tired, cranky, headachey, and really angry. The only thing that kept me going was the two friends that I had enlisted to do the program with me. I couldn’t quit since I had roped them into this nightmare.

But now, you guys, it’s freaking tiger blood time. It wasn’t my choice to call it tiger blood. That’s what ‘they’ tell you you’ll feel like, and it’s a pretty accurate term. I have tons of energy, I’ve lost weight, I’m in a great mood, and my headaches have been reduced. I heal from workouts in a few hours rather than days. I’m a different person than I was a month ago.

The reason for this post is to inform my readers that I am, indeed, becoming one of THOSE people. I will special order, I will politely decline sugar-laden treats (which used to be my favorite thing in the entire world), and I will even turn my back on my beloved nachos to maintain this level of health. At least I hope so. If anyone sees me eating a cupcake after the 30 days is up, you have my permission to slap it from my hand and kick me in the shins. However, I’m not giving up wine and you can’t make me.

I am definitely not trying to get anyone to drink the Kool-Aid. Actually, you really can’t have Kool-Aid, that shit is terrible for you. I’m only saying that I had no idea I could feel so freaking great, and I think it’s worth sharing.

If any of you guys are still reading and don’t hate my high-functioning guts by now, here’s a link to the website for more information. This is a not a paid endorsement, and the program is free:

http://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/

Guest Post: Suck it, Grammys by my girl Dee

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This morning I started reading ALLLLLL about the Grammys and watched all the performances online. Since I TOTALLY don’t feel like working right now, allow me to share my rundown:

I’ll start with this: Pharrell is now dressing like a bellhop.

Jesus was a regular theme among a handful of performers, including BeYAWNce who sang a gospel song which was supposed to be some highlight because she was gettin’ church all up in h’ya. Wasn’t she the person who demanded an entire natal floor of a hospital be cleared for her and Jay Z, which meant that other families had incredible difficulty getting past all the security and restrictions in order to see their own newborns??? Because Jesus would’ve definitely done the same.

Maybe Tom Jones, Paul McCartney, and Stevie Wonder could stay home and enjoy retirement, and we can blissfully remember them as they once were, instead of as the rickety, warble-voiced, prehistoric vampires they are now. Whatever Grammy board of THINKTANKS decided it would be a good idea to pair ancient performers with young performers should be fired immediately.

If I didn’t like Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani before, they gave me plenty of reasons with their performance of a boring and stabbingly awful song they sang TOGETHER. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Two wrongs don’t make a right.

The big winner of the night was someone named Sam Smith. I don’t know who that is, so I did a little youtubing. He’s either a young British kid, or a guy in his early 50’s. His looks are too Benjamin Buttonish for me to make the call. His song that won everything is a weepy plea to a girl(guy?) and had lyrics similar to a poem I wrote when I was 11, right after the guy I held hands with at Shores Skateland dissed me for a much prettier, blonde girl who was popular. Whatever. Fuck him.

AC/DC performed too. AC/DC!!!! How many archeologists do you think it took to get those fossils up on stage?

The lead singer from ELO showed up to play a medley of songs. Read that again, and then go look at a calendar. Nope – you’re correct on both counts. I did say ELO and it is 2015. I like ELO, but I’m IN MY FORTIES. Seeing gangly Taylor Swift dancing to ELO music which she probably knows from commercials for luxury sedans, is just embarrassing for everyone involved.

Miranda Lambert performed a song called Little Red Wagon which was just the worst song I’ve ever heard… and I’ve heard a LOT of shitty songs. I’ll give her this much though – she looks like she could seriously FUCK someone up with that special kind of country crazy she’s got going. I’d shit my overalls if I ever met her alone on a dusty Oklahoma dirt road.

A new and beautiful country singer named Brandy Clark showed up to do a song with Dwight Yoakam. Yes, the Dwight Yoakam of Dwight Yoakam’s Macaroni Mouth Poppers and Dwight Yoakam’s Li’l Riblets:

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Beck and Chris Martin performed a song together, but everyone fell into a coma before it was over and has no recollection of the performance. Chris Martin has officially become musical GHB. You have no idea what the fuck happened, but you know it wasn’t good.

There were more performances but nothing that warranted comment – even Katy Perry’s performance was uneventful. She sang some slow, god-loving song about domestic abuse (sure football association, I’ll take your money for the halftime show!!) but there were no dancing sharks and singing beachballs so no one cares.

And now that I’ve wasted a chunk of work time watching grammy performances, I can spend the rest of the day getting worked up about something else.

Deedee is a writer, dancer, cat herder, and wine drinker. Her boobs are at least four times bigger than mine. She probably doesn’t like you.

Regrettable quotes

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In celebration of the media celebrating every stupid thing people say, here’s a quiz with 10 quotes from famous Americans. Some are intentional words, some are gaffes (I believe the medical term is brain-fart), but all are stupid. The answers are at the bottom (tee hee, bottom).

1. “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity. “
A) Ann Coulter B) George W. Bush C) Alex Jones

2. “It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
A) Jimmy Carter B) George W. Bush C) Jessica Simpson

3. “Over the last 15 months we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”
A) Barack Obama B) George W. Bush C) Kim Kardashian

4. “You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.”
A) George W. Bush B) Ronald Reagan C) Gary Busey

5. “Put on a sweater.”
A) Barack Obama B) Ronald Reagan C) Jimmy Carter

6. “Congratulations, you have been tea-bagged!”
A) Alex Jones B) Rachel Maddow C) Paul Ryan

7. “I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.”
A) Alex Jones B) Barack Obama C) George W. Bush

8. “You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.”
A) Joe Biden B) Alex Jones C) Ann Coulter

9. “Most public schools are, at best, nothing but expensive babysitting arrangements, helpfully keeping hoodlums off the street during daylight hours. At worst, they are criminal training labs, where teachers sexually abuse the children between drinking binges and acts of grand larceny.”
A) Gary Busey B) Ann Coulter C) Dick Cheney

10. “I think all real females are right-wingers.”
A) Ann Coulter B) Ann Romney C) Laura Bush

1. A), 2. B), 3. A), 4. B), 5. C), 6. B), 7. C), 8. A), 9. B), 10. A)

A day in the life

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People are always asking me, “Girl, WHAT are you doing all day now that your kids are in school?” Well, I’m here to tell you that my life has never been fuller. Here’s a sample of my day:

7:45 Everybody out! See you on the flip-side, suckas.

7:46-8:00 Coffee time! This is when I unload the dishwasher, etc.

8:01-8:30 Catch up on the headlines. I need reasons to be depressed.

8:31-9:00 Forget what I was about to do so I sit on the bed and watch some crap from the DVR.

9:01-10:00 Weep for my wasted youth and listen to some tunes.

10:01-11:30 Write and/or lose time on the internet.

11:31-12:00 Weep for the day that is slipping away from me.

12:01-12:30 Lunch time! A girl’s gotta stay fueled!

12:31-1:00 Feel guilty for eating too much. Stand in front of the mirror and pick out my flaws.

1:01-2:00 Weigh the pros and cons of cosmetic procedures. Reassess my values.

2:01-2:45 Feel bad about my wasted day, take a shower, and start some laundry.

2:46 Time to leave for school! My little cherubs await.

After that it’s a blur of homework, lessons, snacks, and laughter!

What your favorite color says about you!

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 Blue: You’re the fun out-doorsy type who’s suppressing your homosexuality.

Pink: Time to grow up, princess. Grown women shouldn’t wear tutus. Especially when you’re premenopausal.

Yellow: You are the happiest of your friends. You ooze sunshine like freaking Mary Poppins and everyone hates you for it.

Orange: You have weird boobs. Everyone says so.

Black: Morticia Adams wore it well but you look more like Marilyn Manson without make-up. Yikes! Throw some color on and stop scaring young children.

White: You’re not fooling anyone, slut.

Chartreuse: You like to come off as quirky and unique, but really you just have bad taste.

Red: Way to be classy. Or a slut. It depends on how you wear it. (Your friends think you’re a slut.)

Purple: You’re either really young or really old. Either way you need help wiping.