My take on the Ashley Madison hack


I am not here to judge these folks. I firmly believe that what you judge today can land in your lap next week and I’m not up for that (looking at you, Josh Duggar). I’m only here to talk to you about anonymity.  

I know the site promised you that your information was safe. But so did Target, TJ Maxx, and a slew of other people whom I’ve willingly given my credit card numbers to, only for them to send me a letter informing me that I might want to get a new credit card and go ahead and destroy the one they have on file. 

It takes no more than 2 minutes to open a Hotmail account, or a Gmail account, or a Yahoo account. None of these require your true identity. So, to all of you asshats who used your work email accounts for a cheating site, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? 

Also, prepaid credit cards are readily available and quite convenient. So, to all of you who used a credit card attached to your name and home address, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? 

And to everyone who thinks this is a hilarious turn of karma, please consider that your medical records are online these days. As are your children’s medical records. The point is: any data breach is bad news. Today’s cheater could be tomorrow’s IBS that your friends didn’t know you have but now they do. 



The worst part of Jurassic World


It’s a really good movie. Not going to lie. But one thing bugged me the entire film. The female lead Claire, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, could have been so much better.

Here’s why: she’s a pent-up career woman who, when reminded by her sister that having children is a ‘when’ and not an ‘if’, gets all teary-eyed and weird even though she’s super successful and who cares if she doesn’t have kids.

But the absolute worst part was her attire. She starts off in a crisp white blouse and skirt combo, complete with heels. She remains in heels the entire movie, even when running from dinosaurs through the jungle. Yet she becomes progressively more undressed. By the end she’s in a tight camisole and her skirt is ripped up the side to give her Angelina-side-leg. And she can finally kiss the hero because she’s suddenly sexy and no longer frigid. Cliché much?

It’s like on Saved by the Bell when Jessie Spano relented on allowing Slater to call her ‘mama’ because he was so damn dreamy. That slippery slope of Freudian creepiness led to straight to Showgirls.

Or on Miss Congeniality when Benjamin Bratt finally showed Sandra Bullock some positive attention because she brushed her hair and put on make-up, because being a badass FBI agent wasn’t good enough until she could walk in heels.

Or my beloved Princess Bride when Buttercup screams uselessly instead of hitting the rodent of unusual size with a stick (they were in the woods, there were sticks EVERYWHERE) as it attacked Wesley.

Jurassic World is a great film, but I couldn’t help but cringe when the movie’s outstanding hero was the strapping alpha male (literally, there’s a whole subplot about him being the alpha in a pack of raptors) who spoke through gritted teeth, even though the damsel in distress saved the day a few times herself. Unfortunately, those heroics were muted by her rack and a hint of thigh.


Guest post by Jenna Brand: How to Dress for Your Body Shape


Apple: With an ample bust and skinnier legs, a short wrap dress may be your best look.

Pear: Your hips don’t lie, that’s for sure! Try drawing attention to your top with bright blouses, a deep neckline, and that perfect necklace.

Violin: Commonly recognized as a deformity of the hips, cover your multiple lumps with a circle skirt, or perhaps a dense tutu for ultimate coverage.

Teddy Bear: Bulbous ears and an intensely huggable tummy can only be embraced. Whenever you find a fun item that fits and doesn’t catch on your fur, buy it and enjoy! Celebrate who you are – What you look like does not define you.

Kate Upton*: At 5’10” and 144lbs, your BMI is 20.7. Although this falls into the middle of the normal range, it’s time to take your body seriously. You are a fat monster and no one will love you at a size 8.

*There is an exception for the actual Kate Upton who is gorgeous and one of just two models to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated two years in a row.  

Shampoo Bottle: Varies by brand. Look for clothing items made for various bottle shapes.

Matchstick: Also known as “Spoon Shaped,” you have a lovely head on top of a barely distinguishable, frail body. You hardly take up any space at all, like an Olsen Twin! Almost any outfit will look amazing on you. Congratulations!

Ethereal: You have less of a “body” and more of a “being.” Flatter your swirling, pangendered Omega aura with a peasant skirt or just glitter.

Human Shaped: Varies by person. Look for clothing items made for humans

Jenna Brand is a wife, mother, and investment banking news aggregator. She was molded from the shores of Paradise Island and posts pictures of her pretty quilts here.

Children’s books you’ve never heard of


My daughter brought home BJ Novak’s The Book With No Pictures from the school library last week. It’s a delightful book that we read 100 times before she returned it. But as a struggling writer, I have to acknowledge that for every children’s book that gets published (I was going to go into a rant here about celebrity books getting special treatment but I can’t because BJ Novak is a hella good writer), there are a thousand or so that never make it to the bookshelves. Here’s a small sampling of children’s books that you’ll never have the opportunity to read:

Your Parents Got a Divorce Because You’re a Jerk

You’re Right, Your Boobs Will Never Grow

When You’re Naughty God Kills a Child in Africa

Everybody Thinks You’re Weird

Santa Does Exist Because He’s the Devil

Your Mom is a Stripper, Not a Ballerina

Your Spirit Animal is an Earthworm

There’s a Portal to Hell in Your Basement But It Won’t Swallow You If You Obey Your Parents

So the next time you read a good book, please take a second to consider the writers who work hard every day only to be told that their books aren’t good enough or too creepy for children. Just because kids are sissies doesn’t mean that a talented writer’s voice should be ignored.



Fun facts* to brighten your Friday


I love it when my friends post happy things on Facebook that make me forget that the world is full of terrorists, GMOs, and Glenn Beck. So I decided to contribute to your happiness with these fun, little-known facts, sure to bring a smile to your face:

  • The popular children’s character Barney was originally conceived as refrigerator box with googly eyes. Test viewers found the box overly sexual, so the creators settled on an androgynous purple dinosaur.
  •  We shouldn’t feel bad about eating pigs because 85% of them are suicidal.
  • If you eat paper clips, your colon will become more organized.
  • The first choice for Vivian in “Pretty Woman” was not Julia Roberts. It was Bea Arthur! But she and Richard Gere had shared a tumultuous love affair years before, and he stole her cat Mr. Knickers when she dumped him for a pre-Xenu Tom Cruise. Ms. Arthur went to her grave angry with Gere over Mr. Knickers.
  • If you see someone with a weak chin, you can assume he/she has a weak bladder.
  • If you go barefoot and step on worm eggs, your foot will get pregnant with worm babies.

Happy Friday, friends!

*Facts might not be an accurate description of what you just read.

Pop Music


I heard a song on the radio today. It was a very bad song. It was about a place where everyone is young and thin and good-looking, but no one has to work for it. They all eat nachos all day and remain fantastically thin and good-looking and no one has zits or wrinkles. I decided I wouldn’t like this place. It’s a place I would like to ruin with my recklessness and then pretend it was my favorite place. I’d even wear the custom t-shirt to prove I was there.

Cameron Diaz: A celebration in pictures


The beloved American actress Cameron Michelle Diaz was born August 30, 1972. Here’s what Michael Jackson looked like when Cameron Diaz was born:


It’s no surprise that this human ray of sunshine was born in San Deigo, California. Larry Wilcox from CHiPs fame is also from San Deigo:

Ms. Diaz signed with Elite Model Management at the age of 16, and landed her first Seventeen magazine cover the following year. She was 17 on the cover of Seventeen.  I bet Kip Winger of the band Winger really enjoyed that. You know, since he had that pervy song about a 17-year-old.


At the age of 21, Cameron landed her first movie role in The Mask, opposite mega-star Jim Carrey. That was in 1994, the same year Kurt Cobain died.


Cameron’s career took off like meth-addled race horse from there! A few (it was so hard to narrow down the list) of my favorites have been A Life Less Ordinary (1997),


Being John Malkovich (1999),


and Bad Teacher (2011).


I can’t wait to see what this ageless powerhouse does next!  You go, Cameron Diaz!