Love letters from Anne Coulter

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Anne Coulter may seem like a miserable shrew with a used tampon for a heart, but it turns out that she has a romantic side.

Her soon-to-be-released book, Love, Annie: Liberals Are Dumb is a collection of love letters she wrote but never had the courage to send. Or in some cases, she sent them but they were returned unopened because everyone hates her.

Here are a few highlights:

Age 8:

Dear Billy Tubbins,

My name is Annie. I’m the blonde who sits behind you in art. The first time I saw you, I thought we could grow to love each other. But then I saw your artwork. A donkey, Billy? Really? You’re obviously an idiot. Only idiots and women are democrats. So maybe you’re a girl. Is that it, Billy? Either way, I hope you’re hit by a bus, hippie.

Sincerely,
Annie Coulter

Age 12:

Dear Randall,

You may have noticed that I’m a woman now. I hoped this would never happen to me, as everyone knows women are stupid. The curse of Eve has arrived in my womb. I’m officially unclean. I would appreciate it if you stopped looking at me in Social Studies until I come to terms with my status as a dirty idiot.

Thank you,
Anne C.

Age 16:

Dear Tony,

When I let you touch my breasts in your Camaro Friday night, I assumed we had an understanding. You can imagine my disappointment when I saw that stupid slut Janice in your car yesterday. Do you know that she is a feminist? That’s right. Your new little bimbo is a raging FEMINIST! All feminists are whores. I hope she gives you herpes.

Love,
Anne

Age 19:

Dear Professor Lowenstein,

Though I have enjoyed our dalliances immensely, it is time to admit that it’s over. You’re a sophisticated, brilliant, handsome man. But unfortunately you’re also a Jew. I’ll never forget you.

Love always,
Anne

Age 31:

Dear William,

I have enjoyed our courtship as much as I’m able to enjoy anything. But I feel that our time has drawn to a close. You want children, and I believe children are God’s continuing curse on womankind. I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am, and the thought of a little person staring at me with my own eyes terrifies me.

Best of luck,
Anne

Age 40:

Dear Ted Nugent,

It has come to my attention that you and I share a similar political theology. I am very attracted to men who enjoy wilderness and chewing gum. Just like when you married that under-aged girl to become her legal guardian, you have found a loophole. This time the loophole is in my heart. Please contact my assistant if you would like to get together and shoot a .22 at the feet of poor people while they stand in line for free food.

In loving respect,
Anne

Why I don’t mommy blog

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Because I’m a writer with a blog and I have a couple of kids, people (women) sometimes ask me why I don’t “mommy blog”. Here’s why: I tend to keep this part of my life for myself (gasp).

Many women will admit (some won’t) that when you become a mother you lose a part of yourself. You also gain a new, different self who’s more sympathetic and nurturing, but you lose the part of you that was just you without anybody else to constantly worry about. It’s a huge freaking adjustment.

Like a lot of Gen Xer’s, I waited until my 30’s to have kids. By then I was firmly rooted in my sense of self. My very free self who liked to stay out too late and take lots of naps. When I had a baby, the options to stay out too late, take lots of naps, and be a selfish asshole were removed. It was time for that to happen anyway. No sweat. But the overhaul of self was unexpected.

I was a person before motherhood. Not a perfect person by any means, but I like to remember those days in little ways. My blog is a “safe place” for me. I say what I want because no one is forced to read it. I don’t write about motherhood here (except this time of course) because I’m a mother ALL THE TIME and here I’m just a struggling writer who spends too much time thinking about that date-rapey episode of Louie and wondering if Lindsay Lohan would like me if we met in real life. Here I don’t have to worry about whether or not my kids are getting enough fruits and veggies (they’re not) or if I’m screwing them up permanently (I am). Here I can just take a deep breath and make fun of Kim Kardashian’s fashion choices.

wine

 

Rainbow Colors: guest post by Adrienne Losh

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I’ve tried to get married in my home state twice in the past year. Clearly I do not live in one of the nineteen (and counting) states that offer gays the sanctity of marriage. My partner and I have been together ten years and have two young sons. While I would love to marry the woman of my dreams, I get super pissed off that our state constitution denies that we are a family and prevents our sons from having the protection of two legal parents. We are currently waiting to hear what the federal appeals court says regarding DeBoer vs. Snyder and hail to the moms who filed the lawsuit seeking to protect their family and young children!
I wrote the following poem after our latest failed attempt to get married at the clerk’s office. We want what every other couple in America wants: the right to get married witnessed by friends and family in an overpriced banquet hall with a quasi-decent catered meal. Enjoy!

Rainbow Colors

In the basement
Air thick with sweat and anticipation
Bodies crammed inside on a cold spring day
Heat and clerks run overtime.

Standing room only
Come and get your equal rights
For the next four hours only!
Rang the circus call.

Kids dragged along,
Dressed in smiles and frowns
Play on phones
As they wait.

A wide eyed innocent
Passes out dyed carnations
Not of nature
Next to the store bought cake.

Take a number!
False starts
Handed out to the hopeful
Over a series of months
Makes a long morning
“They’re on number thirty now!”
Someone shouts, again.

Boredom punctuated by cheers
Jubilant tearful relatives
Every sort of officiate present
Judge, pastor, Rabbi, Wiccan priestess
Tie all the rainbow colors together.

And just like that
As the judgment was rendered
It is put on hold
The line is too long for some.
Turned out into the cold,
Breathy hope steams from them.

gaymich

Adrienne Losh is a poet/mother/wife/badass. She won’t stop standing in line for equal rights.

An open letter to Dr. Neil Clark Warren (eHarmony guy)

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Dear Dr. Neil Clark Warren, 

Why are we as a society ignoring the creepy factor of your eHarmony ads? We need to get the grodiness of the eHarmony ads right out in the open. I’m sick of being bombarded with skin-crawling messages meant to be conducive with harmonious love-type feelings.

The one with the goth guy. This guy is obviously a device to distract the viewer from your creepiness. Some old dude plops down across from a woman at some speed dating event to tell her how the cow ate the cabbage and we’re supposed to pretend that’s okay. Oh wait, a goth guy. Now you seem like someone whose car a woman can get into with confidence. Well played, I suppose.

Then there’s the one with your granddaughter. It’s supposed to be cute, I guess. She’s bossing some teacher around about how to date, spouting off statistics about her grandfather’s bigoted dating website. Oh, adorable! Baby’s learning how to support hate very early. Good girl!

And the freaking worst is the ten-year anniversary party where the celebrated couple, who are obviously swingers, sneak off to make-out. No one wants to see a married couple make-out, especially if they’ve been married that long. But their friends burst in and smile as if to say, “Oh, you guys. Making out again!” And then they just stand there, grinning and staring. For someone who thinks gay marriage is wrong, you sure are liberal about swinging.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, on behalf of TV viewers across the country, please adjust your commercials to something that doesn’t give us the same feeling as when we watch the zombies-eating-innards scenes of The Walking Dead.

 Sincerely,

SGSC

Katherine Heigl is still getting jobs

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Katherine Heigl is set to return to the small screen soon. That’s great news for all 7 people who enjoy seeing her face every week. In celebration of her return, let’s talk about some of her films.

  1. Knocked-Up (2007): Though Heigl had made several movies before this one, Knocked-Up really catapulted her career in a way no other film ever had. As a sign of respect for the movie’s writer and director Judd Apatow, Heigl bad-mouthed the film, stating that it painted women as uptight, humorless shrews. The irony is that her statements made her appear to be an uptight, humorless shrew.
  2. My Father the Hero (1994): Heigl plays a teenager on vacation with her father (Gerard Depardieu). She’s trying to impress a boy, so she pretends her father is her lover. As if that’s not creepy enough, her father actually goes along with it to make her happy. The daughter eventually accuses the father of being a pedophile. I didn’t make that up.
  3. 27 Dresses (2008): This rom-com is apparently a girl who has been a bridesmaid a bunch of times. I think she’s also a hoarder who eventually buries herself under a mound of dresses and suffocates. I’m not sure if that’s completely true because I haven’t seen that piece of bullshit cinema and if you try to make me I’ll stab you in the ear.
  4. Life As We Know It (2010): Heigl plays opposite Josh Duhamel in this gem about two people who hate each other (of course) and are left in charge of a baby when both parents die. They move in together to share the responsibility. I saw about fifteen minutes of it on TV. Duhamel plays a lazy slacker while Heigl plays an uptight, humorless shrew.
  5. Zyzzyx Road (2006): In this film, Heigl plays a sexy lady who picks up an old dude and then her ex-boyfriend (Tom Sizemore–not kidding) finds them and tries to murder them or something. Never heard of it? NO ONE HAS.

I wish Katherine Heigl all the best on her new show. Maybe this time she won’t crap all over her opportunity, and actually be grateful that people keep giving her chances.

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My future as a food jerk

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As some of you know, I have migraines like a mofo. Well, I did until I got some handy dandy botox. Botulism for headaches, you ask? Yes, indeed. But I’m here to talk about gluten so stop distracting me.

Before the botox I tried going gluten-free to rid myself of those pesky headaches. The diet changes did help with the headaches, but really I just felt better all-around. I had more energy, fewer headaches, and that weird upper-arm rash I’d had since grade school disappeared.

Then I decided I’d rather have cake than be healthy. That’s not exactly how it went down, but I decided to start eating normally again to see what would happen. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say the extra bathroom time has allowed me to catch up on my reading.

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So getting back on the GF train has been an up and down struggle for a few months now. For some reason, I can’t seem to make the commitment I started out with. I guess because this time I know it’s for real. My weird arm dots are back, I can’t get too far from a toilet, and I’m exhausted most of the time. It’s the freaking gluten, and I have to dump it for the rest of my life.

It’s like breaking up with a best friend. I pride myself in not having any weird food things. With the exception of being particularly picky about my hamburger-to-pickle ratio, I’m super easy to deal with at restaurants. Now I’ll be that “do you have a gluten-free menu” person. I’ve waited on those people and they’re assholes.

So I’m here today to announce my future as a food asshole. I hope you will all accept me anyway, as I’ll be less gassy and more energetic.

xo

3 Movie Sequels That Should Happen

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Titanic 2: Just like Terminator 2, this one will be way better than the first. Rose is so wracked with guilt over not sharing the door with Jack and letting him freeze to death just so she could have more room to stretch out and relax, she completely loses her mind. She seeks out men named Jack, seduces them and then kills them. Rose becomes the most infamous female serial killer in history.

 

Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion 2: I love, love, love Romy & Michele. In the sequel, Romy is recovering from a long struggle with bulimia. Michele is married to Sandy Frink (played by the delightful Alan Cumming once again). Michele is super rich so she pays for Romy’s rehabilitation. Romy and Michele return to their fashion design roots, and Romy vows to never eat laxatives again. Heather Mooney (Janeane Garofalo) never got over Sandy Frink, and is actively stalking Sandy and Michele. The movie ends with Heather hanging herself in the Frink’s luxurious master bedroom closet. Get ready for laughs!

 

Election 2: At the end of the original Election, we see Tracy Flick (Reese Witherspoon) getting into a limo with politician. She’s working as his aid or something, and stares at him longingly. Jim McAllister (Matthew Broderick) sees this happen, and he becomes enraged. In the sequel, Jim stalks Tracy with the intent to murder her. But as he watches her every day for an entire year, he falls desperately in love. He begins to woo Tracy, they eventually get married. They name their first child Tammy, after learning that Tammy Metzler hurled herself off the Brooklyn Bridge when her girlfriend dumped her to take up with a man. After their third child is born, Tracy runs for president and another election debacle ensues. I think this time Mr. McAllister should get beestings on BOTH eyelids.