The straight dope on wedding superstitions

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I’ve been known to plan a few weddings in my life, both as a job and one or two for personal use. During my time as a wedding expert, I became well-versed in the area of superstition. Please allow me to share my knowledge.

We all know that the bride-to-be is meant to avoid cutting ribbons while opening presents at the wedding shower. The number of ribbons cut supposedly represents the number of babies born during the marriage. Some brides avoid those ribbons like the bubonic plague, while others hack away at those little bastards with fertile glee. But come on, this is ridiculous. No one over got pregnant from cutting a ribbon. What actually happens is an evil spirit is released and sent directly into the brain of the bride elect every time a ribbon is cut. The spirit causes the bride to adopt bad habits immediately upon getting married. The more ribbons cut, the more vices she’ll have. Bon appe’boozing!

Every bride-to-be worth her purity worries about her groom seeing the dress before the big day. And for good reason! The last reported case of a groom seeing the wedding dress occurred in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska in 2003. The groom was a bit of a jackass and thought it would be hilarious to show his poor future wife that it was no big deal. Well, she turned into a sea monster. Since Nebraska is inland, she dehydrated like turkey jerky. Not so funny now, is it?

It’s believed to be unlucky if the couple doesn’t share a slice of wedding cake. This is rooted in the 1950’s when there used to be Valium chopped up in the frosting. The newly married couple was actually toasting with pills. It’s an antiquated tradition since we’ve all become squares, daddio.

Another cake related tradition: if a single girl puts her share under of cake under her pillow, she’ll see her future husband. Spoiler alert: her husband is a cockroach.

The most unlucky of all is if the bride and groom see each other the day of the wedding before the ceremony. This goes way back to the old days when a woman’s consent was unnecessary for a wedding to occur. If she saw the groom, she just might hurl herself off the cathedral’s roof before her father collected the goats and bag of coins for her virginal flesh. The consequences have adapted with the times (evolution is a beautiful process) and now if you see each other before the ceremony, one of you will die of dysentery before your tenth anniversary. No big deal, really.

2 thoughts on “The straight dope on wedding superstitions

    • The groom still resides in Beaver Crossing. He lives in a fifth-wheel with his current wife, a Hooter’s waitress named Charla. He did not see her wedding dress before the ceremony.

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