Revision and the long-running shitcom

Right now I should be editing and revising my latest manuscript.  The problem is: I really, really don’t want to.

Writing a book is an exciting journey that keeps my brain moving at crazy speeds even when my body has long since given up.   I can’t wait to find out what happens next as my characters pull me through the action.  After processing and recording  around 70,000 words of fiction, I am left with a rough-edged story that is completely unsuitable for public consumption.

Revising the work isn’t magical.  I read the text that has consumed my thoughts and evening hours for months and realize that my work hasn’t even started yet.  The individual words in need of attention inhibit me from consuming the project as it’s meant to be.  It’s not a book. It’s a nuisance that leads me to resent the craft that consumes my imagination.

That’s why I’m watching “Two and a Half Men”.   Let me tell you about this show.

The old “Two and a Half Men” went like this:

Charlie:  I’m still drunk from last night.  I banged a hooker or two.  Have you seen my car?  It’s really expensive because I’m rich.  I hope I find it soon.  I’ll just buy another one if I don’t.

Alan: Oh Charlie, you reprobate.  Can I borrow some money?  I’m a poor loser.

Charlie: Yes, you are.  Did I mention that I banged some hookers last night and paid them the equivalent to what you make in an entire year?  You should move out because you’re a moocher.

Alan:  I’m such schmuck, but you’re a hedonist.  Do you have any money for me or what?

Then there’s a masturbation joke and Berta strolls through the room to provide comic relief.

Here’s the new one:

Walden (Ashton Kutcher-as if you didn’t know): I’m so rich and good-looking.  Why doesn’t my ex-wife love me anymore?

Alan: I don’t know.  I’ve been married twice and all it did was make me poor.  Can I borrow some money?  I’m such a loser.

Walden:  Sure. I can help you out.  I’m naïve because I’m too smart to understand interpersonal relationships.

Alan: Great, thanks.  I promise to either pay you back or probably not.

Walden: Ok.  I have trouble meeting girls but this hot chick wants to make out.  Here’s some money.  I’m so glad a complete stranger is mooching off of me.  My goofy smile really reflects my good nature.

Then there’s a masturbation joke and Berta strolls through the room to provide comic relief.

Pretty sure that covers it.  Now you never have to watch an episode of “Two and a Half Men”.  You’re welcome.

3 thoughts on “Revision and the long-running shitcom

  1. austin October 18, 2011 / 2:08 pm

    Never seen that show, pretty sure your synopsis is better than the reality. Put those feet up, lady! It’s my turn with those 70,000 words.

  2. deedee October 18, 2011 / 5:06 pm

    While reading this, I had a moment where I wasn’t sure I wanted to associate with anyone watching Two and a Half Men.

    Then I remembered I willingly watched all of Southern Belles: Louisville, and should therefore live in a cave of shame.

    Then I remembered that even with my non-existent standard of dignity in relation to TV, I still won’t watch Two and a Half Men.

    Nice knowing you.

  3. kimbridge October 19, 2011 / 5:02 pm

    You had me at “Shitcom.”

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