Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

I get that Robert Pattinson is completely swoon-worthy.  But I really don’t understand the Twilight phenomenon.  Bella Swan sucks.  She is a worse female role model than Paris Hilton.  She needs an intervention and therapy.

Here’s what I would say to her if she was real and not a bad characterization of a modern teen:

If a man likes to break into your house and watch you sleep, he’s a stalker or molester.  It’s not cool to try to get some guy who appeared in your bedroom to de-flower you. It makes you look pathetic, needy, and slutty.

Same goes for if he mysteriously shows up everywhere you go.  A girl should be able to go to the movies without her sort-of-boyfriend keeping tabs.  It is caveman behavior and should never be encouraged.

If the guy you fancy is way too old to be in high school, he’s a loser dumbass. It doesn’t make him smarter than your classmates.  Repeating your senior year a dozen times means you’re too dim-witted for a GED.

If a dude tells you he could kill you by having sex with you, it means he has AIDS or he’s a serial killer who kills chicks after he has sex with them.  Under no circumstances should his admission make him more attractive, unless you hate yourself and your parents.

Also, he shouldn’t constantly brag about his ability to kill you accidentally and easily.  If you like that sort of thing, you have serious emotional problems and daddy issues.

If some dude tells you he can make you feel like you’re flying, he’s trying to sell you heroin or acid.  Did you notice how pale that guy is?  Don’t hop on his back, because he’ll give you a piggy-back ride to his drug den.  You’ll end up naked with a needle hanging from your arm.  Yes, you’re boring. But drugs won’t make you more interesting.  Try booze instead.

If a pretty-boy sparkles, he’s a drag queen.  You’re not going to change him.  You’re more likely to change a vampire back to human.  The best thing you can do is start sharing clothes and make-up.  Maybe he can teach you how to walk without falling down, you clumsy asshat.

FYI: In the time it took me to write this post, Stephanie Meyer made about a gazillion dollars in royalties.