Me and My Boobs

I have small boobs.  This statement won’t surprise anyone who knows me.  It’s certainly no secret.  It’s not like I wear those chicken-cutlet things in secret compartments in my bras (anymore).

When I was pregnant, my knockers grew to a decent size. The problem was that I kept forgetting I had them and accidentally flashing people because I’d wear scoop-neck tees and bend over too much.  It wasn’t all that sexy since I was knocked up.   Afterward, I was left with shrunken ta-ta’s and stretched-out bras. The experience made me realize that suddenly having boobs isn’t ideal for someone with my retail laziness and lack of poise.

I used to tell everyone that I planned to get a boob job for my 40th birthday.   Recently, I’ve had dreams where I’m sitting in a doctor’s office picking out the size of boobs I want.  Maybe now that 40 isn’t a mystical age reserved only for baby boomers, my brain has decided it’s time to take action.  The thing is I don’t care about having melons anymore.

This is the question that keeps me from exploring breast implants: what on earth would I do with big boobs at this stage in my life?  I’m not seeking a career in acting or modeling.  I’m not trying to lure a new man with my mammary siren song.  And I certainly don’t want to buy new shirts and bras.  Why, oh why, do I need jugs?

Perhaps contentment with oneself is merely a natural by-product of middle age.   That sounds better than ‘I no longer see the point’.

Interview with PJ Jones, Indie Superstar

The best indie authors are prolific, professional, approachable, and talented.  PJ Jones is all of these things, and one of my favorite people whom I’ve never actually met.  I thought she would be the perfect first interview for my shiny new blog.  And no, PJ Jones is not another one of my identities.

Me: David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?

PJ: Are we talking old school David Lee Roth? If so, then YES! He filled those leather pants WAYYYY better! And, sorry, Sammy’s voice just couldn’t compare to David’s, especially those sexy screech things DLR infused into his music. If I ever write a vampire rockstar parody, DLR will be my inspiration.

Me: If you had said Gary Sherone, I was going to storm out of the interview.  It wouldn’t have meant much to you, since I’m sitting in my kitchen and you’re in some other state.

You’re a very prolific writer.  What’s your typical writing routine?

PJ: My writing routine usually consists of me having a really weird dream, waking up and writing like crazy for several days on end, until my neck and fingers are literally cramping, then I goof off and/or promote for several weeks until the next strange dream.

Me: After writing the awesome parodies, were you afraid you wouldn’t be able to write a dramatic novel?

PJ:  Truthfully, I began writing Driving Me Nuts about a year ago after a dream I had where Owen Wilson was sitting beside me in a car, crying as he tore pages out of a novel. After I wrote the first scene, I had it in my head that this was going to be a comedy; however, my characters took the story in a different direction. I was able to infuse comedy into several scenes, but, yeah, this is pretty dramatic, especially compared to my parodies. There were several parts that were hard to write, especially the graveyard scene. Luckily, or unluckily, I’ve also suffered through some dark times, so I was able to draw from those experiences to channel my own emotions into my characters.

Me: I had a dream once that I was getting busy with Joel McHale, but then I realized it was actually Jeff Winger so I was a little disappointed.

Driving Me Nuts is fantastic.  I love the character Apple.  I think though most people haven’t had such a hard life, she’s still very relatable.  Is there any of you in Apple?

PJ: Absolutely, there’s a lot of me in Apple. I’ve had a few hard knocks in life, though not as hard as hers. And though it takes a lot to earn her trust, she still manages to find the good in people, which I think is awesome.

Me:  Have you known any men like Ruckus?

PJ: Yep. The solid, steady, hard-working part is definitely much like my husband. I was fortunate enough to be able to lean on him when I was very sick. He helped me through it and has worked hard so that we could pay for the best doctors. He sometimes has a short temper like Ruckus, mostly with stupid people, LOL. Luckily, I haven’t seen him piss all over things.

Me: I’m really glad your husband doesn’t pee on things when he’s upset.  He probably would have ruined a few laptops by now, and that would have set back your writing.

Who’s your favorite dead author?

PJ: I haven’t read the dead authors in quite a while, but one story which has always stuck with me has been The Mill on the Floss by George Elliot. I am also a fan of Emily Dickenson and William Blake poetry.

Me: Who’s your favorite living author?

PJ: Living authors? That’s a toughy because I LOVE so many and have eclectic tastes. For humor, Mykle Hanson and Tim Dorsey. For paranormal and fantasy, Shea MacLeod, JK Rowling and CL Wilson.

Me: What’s next for PJ Jones, indie author powerhouse?

PJ: Right now I am working on promoting. I have a short story, Fred’s Best Christmas, a spin-off of Driving Me Nuts!, coming out early November. I have a humorous paranormal blog with Curiosity Quills every Friday and we are working on a much bigger project (more details this spring). I am also planning on writing another redneck comedy and the sequel to Romance Novel this spring.

Me: Thank you for being my very first blog interview.

If you haven’t had enough of me and PJ for today, check out my review of Romance Novel.

And my review of The Vampire Handbook.

You can also visit PJ’s website.

Driving Me Nuts!

Three mental patients, two loaded guns, one stolen car and a whole lot of trouble…

Every Friday night Ruckus and his roommate Fred sneak out of Shady Grove Home for the Mentally Insane for a ride in their orderly’s convertible. A trip to the used book store and the Dairy Queen is Ruckus’s one little routine among the chaos of pissing all over the lunch trays.

There is nothing routine about Apple, another Shady Grove resident who wants to go joyriding with the boys. It quickly becomes obvious she has bigger plans than getting an ice cream cone— plans that could land them in jail or even worse.

When their lives are threatened by three angry ex-cons and a crooked cop, it’s up to Ruckus to get his friends back to Shady Grove in one piece. But first, they all need to face reality and confront their tragic pasts. It doesn’t take long for Ruckus to realize that if Apple doesn’t drive him totally nuts, she just may be the one to help restore his sanity.

Romance Novel

Smella Rosepetal must find a millionaire husband to finance her baby’s heart transplant. She flies home to her deputy father’s ranch in Pitchforks, Texas, where she falls in love with Deadward Forest, a wealthy environmentalist vampire.

When a deranged murderer is on the loose in Pitchforks, killing romance heroines, Deadward assumes Smella would be safer without him. Smella turns to her childhood friend, Snake Long, for comfort. But Snake doesn’t have the money to save her baby, so Smella places herself in peril in a desperate hunt for a rich husband.

Time is running out for Smella’s baby, and she must escape the Australian Outback, then face down Flabio, an overweight and disgruntled, aspiring cover model, plus enraged vampire wives and their homosexual, vampire, cowboy husbands, a jealous were-gerbil, James Bond, a drunk rodeo clown and Smella’s strange boyfriend who wants to drain her blood, yet is repulsed by her smell. ROMANCE NOVEL—the unabridged, unauthorized comedic look at the bestselling vampire series that will leave you wondering who the hell ever believed vampires could “sparkle.” And you’ll laugh…all the way to the bathroom!