Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

Reality, sitcom, or soap opera: what’s your ideal lifestyle?
Not sure what kind of life you want? Take this extremely accurate quiz and you’ll have it all figured out!

1. When your introduce yourself, you:
a. Give your name, your professional background, and number of sex tapes you’ve accidentally starred in.
b. Give your name, but add something fun and quirky for your middle name. Something like ‘Danger’, ‘Booty Shakes’, or ‘Muffin Mama’. After that, trip over a chair and fall down.
c. Give a fake name. You didn’t have your face replaced and finger prints removed for nothing.

2. Someone’s at the door. What do you do?
a. Cue dramatic music as all five of your tiny dogs follow you to answer it.
b. Yell ‘come in’! It’s always a friend, after all, and he or she will most likely fall down on the way in. Laughter all around!
c. Wait for the doorman or maid to get it. You didn’t bust your ass for six months at that ambiguous business venture to open your own door.

3. Oh no! You had too much to drink last night. Today you will:
a. Lay around in your designer jammies and giant sunglasses. Don’t forget the Uggs!
b. Rehash the entire night with your friends and laugh about your shenanigans. Then trip over an empty wine bottle and fall down.
c. Throw that crystal decanter straight in the garbage and head to rehab. You’re obviously an alcoholic.

4. You want to be a singer, but you don’t have any talent. What’s the best way to handle it?
a. Who needs talent when you have boobs? Cut an album immediately! Make a sexy video to go with it. No one wants to watch a girl sing if she’s wearing clothes.
b. Sing and dance like a drunken idiot. We’ll all laugh with you and some cute guy will find your awkwardness attractive. Don’t forget to fall down!
c. “Get the hell out of my life, Rafe! I know you slept with my sister.”

5. You’ve been dumped!
a. Call the camera crew! Look directly at the cameras, show everyone those forced tears and talk about how strong you are.
b. Sit in bed, cry and wait. Lots of friends will show up with booze and chocolate. You’ll all cry and laugh about your romantic missteps. Then you’ll realize friendship is the most important thing of all. Awwww!
c. Try to kill the bastard who broke your heart. Get arrested, then go to a psychiatric hospital for a couple of weeks. You’ll be as good as new in no time, and he’ll beg you back!

6. And why did he dump you?
a. You’re an egotistical asshole who wears way too much make-up.
b. You can’t pay your rent, but somehow afford new dresses and shoes.
c. He found out that you’re his sister. Oopsy!

7. You have a new crush! Who is the lucky guy?
a. “Does this DUI make my butt look big?”
b. Your boss! What will you do? This is the worst thing that could ever happen!
c. Your stepdad- awkward!

8. How many kids do you want?
a. The more the better: You have to build your empire. It’s best to start young so you can be a fun mom who your kids will consider a friend.
b. Two or three, and you can’t wait to see what kind of trouble those little scamps get in to.
c. You’ll start with one. More will pop up over the years. You donated a lot of eggs when you were in college, and you had that bought of amnesia in the mid-90’s. Who knows how many babies you popped out during those days?

9. Great news! You’re in labor.
a. Call the camera crew. That baby will start bringing in money with its entrance into the world. So what if you have to show everyone your laboring vadge? Crotch shots are nothing new for you!
b. Oh no! You’ve lost your car keys and your phone. Your eccentric neighbor will have to take you to the hospital after you give birth in the back seat of his Impala. It will be hilarious!
c. Make sure your hair and make-up are perfect. Don’t worry: the baby will come out perfectly clean and will be in Kindergarten next week.

10. You have a terrible disease! What should you do?
a. Chronicle the entire thing on tape. Include the country in your misery!
b. Make out with the hot doctor and tell your friends. What fun is a disease if it doesn’t help you meet guys?
c. Race to death’s door. After a brief visit to Heaven, you’ll be back on earth and a healthy jerk once again!

You chose mostly a’s: You’re a narcissistic loser. Get ready to sell your soul and complain about the intrusion of your privacy. You’ll have loads of cash to keep you warm once your self-respect is gone.

You chose mostly b’s: Life’s a gas, you silly little slut! Let’s be friends! I love a good laugh track.

You chose mostly c’s: The world is your oyster because you’re a delusional nut-job! Have fun, Crazy McPscyho- no one can take away your mansion and illegitimate children, because they’re all in your head. Count your imaginary billions and wear a ball gown to the grocery store.