Not really Rover

I found a dog in my sink. He was kind of cute. Not too big, but not small enough to kick very far. The doorbell rang and a man with a bag of poop was standing on my doorway.

“Do you have my dog? He’s not too big, but not small enough to kick very far.” The man looked dismayed, but it’s hard to feel sympathy for someone holding a bag of poop.

“As a matter of fact, there is a dog in my sink matching that description. I’ve grown rather fond of him, to tell the truth. He smiled when I asked if his name was Rover. I think he’s in on the joke.”

The man offered to trade me the bag of poop for the dog. I realized that if I kept the dog, I’d have plenty of bags of poop. I don’t really want bags of poop so I gave him the dog and let him keep his bag of poop. I forgot to ask the dog how he got into the sink. Maybe he had magic powers and I should have kept him.  I don’t think his name was Rover.

Self-pity & the modern housewife

My punk-rock pilgrimage of a life abandoned me in someone else’s Cape Cod house in a subdivision with a cul-de-sac.  There’s a man here who calls me “the Mrs.” and two cherub-faced children who call me “mommy”.   I drink too much coffee and wash socks that I don’t wear.   The sharks don’t swim like they used to and I keep forgetting to change the month on the calendar. 

My pores are lacking nicotine and I can’t find my dancing shoes.  I’ve moved my party to the page, where the hangovers cause tears but very little vomiting. 

One more tattoo and I’ll be a rock star.  If I can only out-cool myself, I’ll out-cool the world, you see.  It’s a struggle because the American Jesus doesn’t appreciate slackers. 

Happiness is a freshly baked casserole with a side of wine in a 750 ml bottle.  No magnums these days. The liver you save may be your own.

I did it, I grew up.  Now leave me alone.

Quiz Weiners

Happy Easter! Sorry it took me so long to post the quiz results. It was really difficult to decide who won since there were a buttload of fantastic answers, and I really didn’t think of a grading scale before I posted the thing.

I intended to declare one winner, but the task was impossible. There had to be two, and a few other folks included in the highlights reel below.

Congratulations to the winners, two curly-haired white men: Rodney Bailey and Larry Bridge.

Giveaway Quiz:

1) You can only watch one movie for the rest of the entire year. What’s your genre choice?
a. Romantic comedy
b. Bloody thriller
c. Historical drama
d. 80’s style horror

Kristen Hildebrand said: d. The worst, cheesiest, baddest horror you can find. Odds are, I’ve already seen it.
Lisa Hayes said: A Romantic comedy historical drama
Larry Bridge said: b. Bloody thriller, with a great soundtrack

B or D are the acceptable answers, or any combination of genres because I like genre-crossing.

2) Who’s with you on your deserted island?
a. Henry Rollins
b. Wyclef Jean
c. Johnny Depp
d. Rachel McAdams

Kim Bridge said: since you didn’t specify only one answer per question, I’m going with a. AND b.

Kim was awarded 32 points for this answer. I really don’t think I need to explain why.

3) What would be your last meal before meeting your stir-fried death in the electric chair?
a. Ice cream
b. Surf & turf
c. Tuna nicoise
d. Cheeseburger

Caroline Altomare’s answer: d. From a place we have found here in Houston…they are to die for (get it? hahahaha)

Caroline was awarded 5 points for her answer, plus 22 bonus points for making me laugh.

4) Who’s your favorite gasbag?
a. Nancy Grace
b. Rush Limbaugh
c. Howard Stern
d. Rosie O’Donnell

Kim Bridge said: Since I have my own gasbag, can I go off the board?

Kim was awarded 92 points for living with Larry.

5) Who would be the best US President?
a. John Stewart
b. Chuck Norris
c. Mike Huckabee
d. Hilary Clinton

Overwhelming response for Stewart. These are my people! (There were a few votes for other people but I ignored them because I can.)

6) Bad news: your house is burning to the ground. Good news: your family & pets are safe outside. You can grab one material possession. What’s it going to be?

EJ Older said: kindle
Lisa Hayes said: My ’62 reissue Telecaster guitar (it was my first purchase with money earned from my first record deal)
Larry Bridge said: Obviously my autographed copy of The Utopia of Noah Lazarus
Rodney Bailey said: iPhone: Call 911. Order Chinese. Watch Tenenbaums while they snuff the fire.

EJ earned 23 points for reading my mind. Lisa earned 52 points for the coolest answer. Larry earned 37 points for ass-kissing and Rodney earned 103 points for best answer on the entire quiz.

7) Gloria Allred: activist or opportunist?

Karen Slagell said: Who?
Lisa Hayes said: Activist – a girl’s gotta make a livin’!
Kim Bridge said: Actively Opportunistic, I’d say.

When I posted this question, I wasn’t sure what my own answer would be. Lisa Hayes earned 25 points for making me say, ‘You know what? You’re right.’

8) Ann Coulter: succubus or she-devil?

Kim Bridge said: She-devil sounds sexier
Rodney Bailey said: Succu-devil

Kim earned 37 points for strategic placement of the word sexier, and Rodney earned 41 points for combining the answers into one, super-evil answer.

9) Would you like fries with that?

Kim Bridge said: But of course mon cher. (French? French Fries? Extra Points, Oui Oui?)

Extra points indeed! 16 extra points to be exact. Bien!

10) Who’s your favorite Baldwin?

Ashlee McCaskill said: Alec is the only one that can get away with pudgy
Larry Bridge said: Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin
Rodney Bailey said: On 30 Rock, host of the NY Philharmonic, and when it comes to dealing with teenagers ain’t afraid to go honey badger? Alec, baby.

Larry earned 34 points for his completely original answer. Rodney earned 28 extra points for detailing his support for Alec, and kind of making me thinking Alec should run for president.

Bonus question:
If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

Karen Slagell said: Wink wink nudge nudge
Ashlee McCaskill said: of course darling
Kim Bridge said: Is that allowed in your home state?
Larry Bridge said: How dare you, I’m married!!

Rodney and Larry tied with final scores of 382. No, I’m not showing my math and you can’t make me.

Thanks for all the submissions. I had a fairly craptastic week, and the free entertainment helped me through.

I hope your Easter is full of eggs, both deviled and chocolate, but not chocolate-deviled because that would be nasty. xo