Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

1.  You’ll get your fur dirty.  Don’t act like you won’t.  You can’t even keep your shirt clean.  Look at yourself.  What is that, grape jelly?  What grown-up eats grape jelly?

2.  Sweat will run between your skin and the suit and you will feel clammy and gross with that weird moist skin feeling that simply will not go away.

3.  People will give you bananas.  Wait, that’s probably a good reason to wear the suit.  Don’t eat more than one.  Too much potassium isn’t good for you.  That’s what I’ve heard anyway.  I’m not sure if that’s true.

4.  Someone will most likely throw a net over your head and hit you with a cinder block.  That’s what they do to gorillas in urban areas.  I saw it on a documentary once.  Brutal.  Freaking brutal.

5.  It’s very difficult to get the suit off in time to go the bathroom.  You drink way too much coffee and you won’t stop eating those damn fiber bars. There’s no way that won’t end in disaster.

6.  A gorilla’s lifespan is only 35-40 years.  Are you really ready to be at the end of your life?  I don’t think you are because you won’t stop talking about how excited you are to see Magic Mike this summer.  Not that I blame you for that.  Hubba, hubba (oh yeah, I’m bringing back hubba, hubba).

7.  You don’t have a suitcase to beat up.  What good is a guy in a gorilla suit with no suitcase to beat up?  (For the under 35 set: it was a Samsonite commercial.)

8.  You’ll have to walk on your knuckles.  I’m pretty sure you can’t take that kind of pressure on your hands.  You won’t even rub my shoulders when I ask.

9.   You might be confused for a guerilla, then you’ll get shot by some rookie cop on his first day and then he’ll be all: “It’s my first day.  I never wanted to shoot an armed civilian.  Why, God, why?”  With all the tears and snot, it will be embarrasing and exhausting.  Of course, you won’t know because you’ll be bleeding out on the sidewalk.

10.  I borrrowed your gorilla suit last week and spilled chocolate fondue on it and then accidentally left it on a bus and some homeless guy is using it for a dessert blanket right now.  You can’t take away Night Train Freddy’s dessert blanket.  That would be crappy.