Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

1. When you’re in line at the grocery store, stand directly behind the person in front of you. About six inches is a good length to make the person squirmy. If he or she moves forward, shuffle forward to close the gap. If he or she asks you what you’re doing, reply with a simple “You smell like pickles. Dill, not bread and butter.”
2. Go to a restaurant alone and request a table for two. Pretend to believe there’s a date named Ramone with you.  When the server approaches the table, fight with Ramone because he thinks you drink too much. Say, “Don’t judge me, Ramone! You don’t know my life.” Order for a plate of food for Ramone and pout when he refuses to eat. Get really drunk and give Ramone the car keys on the way out.
3. Walk around with a “kick me” sign on your back. When people are kind enough to tell you it’s there, kick them as hard as you can in the shins. Then turn and run away while shouting “Stop trying to steal my minnows!”
4. Take a taxidermied squirrel to an ice cream parlor. Sit at a table and lick the squirrel’s head repeatedly. This one also works at Taylor Swift concerts.
5. Be Ted Cruz.
6. Walk around a convenience store with a large blood stain on your shirt, preferably in the stomach or chest area. Ask people if you appear pale. If they ask if you’re okay, laugh and say, “Is anyone okay, smartass?” Then walk away swaying a bit.
7. Sit outside of Wal-Mart with a large empty box and a sign that reads “free puppies”.  When people stop to see the puppies, look in the empty box and start crying really hard.
8. Wear bike shorts in public. This is especially effective if you’re male.
9. Approach a stranger who is not wearing a hat and say, “I like your hat.” When they respond, “I’m not wearing a hat,” shout, “Why do you always say that?” and start laughing uncontrollably.
10. Walk toward someone as if to say “hello,” but don’t speak. Instead, insert your index finger directly in his or her nostril. Not too deep, just around the rim. You don’t want to pull out any prizes.

Remember: a stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet!