Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

Here’s the set-up: the small one with the douchebag baby-daddy is sitting on a fancy sofa with a homely toddler in preppy clothes. The one who looks like a sasquatch comes in.

“I don’t know why everyone keeps saying I’m fat. I’m a size 8!”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Kolonoscopy. My feet are swollen to the size of pork tenderloin and that guy who keeps knocking me up won’t rub them because he’s asleep.”

“You mean he’s not working!” Klown-Face shouts.

The audience goes “oooooooohhhhh” because no one saw Klown-Face enter the room and she’s all uptight about everybody working.

“Don’t give me any crap right now, Klown-Face,” Korn Nuts says. “I’m minutes away from pushing out another bastard kid and I don’t want your drama.”

“Mom, Korn Nuts said ‘bastard’!” Klown-Face runs from the room and Kolonoscopy laughs until she farts.

Mom enters the room. “Girls, are you being mean to Klown-Face? You know she’s my favorite and I won’t let you sleep here if you make her mad.”

“Yes, Mom,” they both say and roll their eyes.

Olympic hero Bruce Jenner enters the room and everyone gasps.

“Sorry, Bruce. It’s still scary,” Mom says.

“Yeah, yeah. Where are Klondike and Krispy Kreme?”

“Who?” Mom asks.

“Your other daughters,” Bruce Jenner replies or asks. No one is sure because of the position of his eyebrows.

“Oh yeah. I think they’re at a party. Or a bikini shoot. Or maybe a bikini porn party. I’m not sure because I’m a cool mom.”

“Korn Nuts, you just peed your pants!” Kolonoscopy says, laughing once again until she farts.

“No dumbshit! My water broke. Bruce Jenner Olympic Hero, please go wake up my pink-clad baby-daddy.”

“It’s only noon, Korn Nuts. He’ll be angry.”

“Just do it, Bruce Jenner Olympic Hero,” she growls, baring her tiny teeth.

“That’s right, Bruce Jenner!” Klown-Face shouts. “Wake up that lazy douchebag or I will!”

The audience “oooooohhhh’s” again because they didn’t see her slink back into the fancy sitting parlor.

“Oh gawd, Klown-Face. Do you have to butt-in all the time?” Korn Nuts asks.

“Get it, butt-in? Cause you have a huge ass?” Kolonoscopy says.

“Shut up, Kolonoscopy!” Klown Face shouts and pushes Kolonoscopy onto the lush carpet.

“Stop it, bitches! I’m about to have a baby! Go get Douchebag, Bruce Jenner Chronically Surprised Olympic Hero!”

Bruce leaves while Klown-Face and Kolonoscopy wrestle on the floor. There’s a lot of hair pulling and butt jiggling. Bruce returns with a sleepy Douchebag.

“What’s going on, Babe? You know I don’t get up until 1:00.”

“My water just broke. Our next somewhat wanted baby is on the way.”

“Why do I smell pee?” Douchebag asks.

Then Korn Nuts realizes that she really did pee on the couch and they all have a good laugh. To make Douchebag forgive her for waking him up an hour early, she buys him a Bentley and they cruise slowly in front of homeless people.