Don’t fool yourself. We are each getting older every single day, every single second. But no need to stick your head in the oven! There’s a way to avoid this aging thing. Madonna’s greatest lesson is this: reinvention keeps you young, or looking like corseted- gristle. Either way, you’ll be fabulous and grabbing dancer’s crotches!
Here are a few suggestions on easy reinvention:
Pretend to be a doctor. All you have to do is memorize Web MD. You don’t even have to memorize everything. Just enough to sound official. A lot of medical words sound the same. Then, like magic, you’re a doctor. No big deal. People will believe you. You never hear anyone ask, “Are you really a doctor?”
The tricky part is when people want prescriptions. Keep a drawer full of candy and vitamins, along with empty pill bottles and a label-maker. Tell your customers (you can call them patients) you have your own pharmacy in your office so you can pass the savings on to them. You care, after all. You are a doctor! And never, ever forget to demand to be called ‘Dr.’ whatever. You didn’t spend all that time in fake doctor school to be called Mr. or Ms.
Develop a fake accent. This one is super easy. It doesn’t even matter if every person in your life knows you’re from Detroit. This is the improved you, after all! And when you meet someone new, spout off a fictitious hometown and make up slang from your chosen country. ‘How’s about we toss a doolie to the slatso after a coupla hops?’
Start quoting the movies incessantly. It has to be enough that it becomes your thing. It will be amusing for some people, the people who like to play along. Most people will be really annoyed by it. Doesn’t matter. It’s the new you, baby! Here a few to get you started (a list within a list, provocative):
Fight Club: ‘I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.’
The Big Lebowski: ‘He treats objects like women, man.’
Super Troopers: ‘Say car Ram-Rod.’
The Ladies Man: ‘Say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich?’
Goodfellas: ‘What do you mean funny, funny how?’
I could write an entire post on just this subject. I should stop now in case I run out of material at a later date and actually need to write an entire post on this subject.
Start practicing pakour. Warning: if you’re over thirty you’re likely to break some shit with this. Upside: when you’re over thirty they give you better pain meds. Here’s the deal with pakour. It’s a martial art and method of transportation (multitasking is an A+) in which you jump from building to building all Crouching Tiger-style except you fall down because you haven’t been training since birth. Don’t let the potential for injury deter you. You’ll be a fabulous Hidden Dragon when you’re in traction.
Never underestimate cruise-wear. Changing your wardrobe is a painless path to reinvention. We’ve all seen middle-agers in school-girl clothes and it’s pretty gross. Cruise-wear is a fantastic way to tell the world, ‘I’m fabulous and on the move to the captain’s table!’ Just throw on a white pencil skirt with a gold cabled belt, a gold lame zippered jacket, and purple pumps. Need something more casual? Four words: purple nylon sweat suit. Girlfriend, it’s shuffle-board time! You’ll still look younger than Lindsay Lohan.
Tattoos are cool. If someone says they’re not, it’s because they’re lame. So let’s say you’re about 45-ish and really need this reinvention. Tattoos and/or piercings are definitely a smart thing to do. And don’t give me this ‘what about when I get old they’ll look gross’ bullshit. Guess what? Your skin will look wrinkly when you’re old no matter what. At least make it nasty and interesting. If you don’t want to truly commit, shave your head and get a bare-head tat. Make it a giant teddy bear with the words ‘free hugs’ beneath.
Learn how to love. Have you ever truly committed to anyone? Something tells me you haven’t. Nothing says ‘I love you completely’ like full-on stalking.
Make a mixed CD and write the words ‘Love Me or I’ll Kill Myself’ on it. (Looking at you CH.) Sneak the CD into your paramour’s home when he or she isn’t home.
Get your love interest’s face tattooed on your stomach. Then say, ‘Now it’s like you’re in my tummy’ and giggle. Say ‘Just kidding, silly,’ and make a plate of extremely meaty nachos.
There are lots of ways to make yourself a new you. Whatever you do, don’t age gracefully.
Gotta go, my hemlines aren’t going to raise themselves!