LEO
Happy birthday, Leo! You always think everything is all about you, and today it actually is. Good for you, you narcissistic queen!
VIRGO
Surprise! It’s your OCD intervention today. Your friends and family will arrive in about an hour, so you better get to work dusting the top of your refrigerator!
LIBRA
Today you’ll realize that the screenplay you’ve been working on for the past eight years is a festering turd.
SCORPIO
That girl at the coffee shop you’ve been flirting with will ask for your number today. If you give it to her, she’ll eventually smother you to death with a pillow while you’re sleeping.
SAGITTARIUS
Your life-long fear of clowns will be validated today when a clown stabs you in the shoulder with a rusted cheese knife. Congratulations!
CAPRICORN
You’re going to eat something really off at lunch. That hot date you have planned tonight is going to be ruined by a case of the back-door trots. And yeah, he is Mr. Perfect. Too bad he’s going to meet a prettier girl while you’re in the bathroom.
AQUARIUS
You’ve been nothing but a jerk since 1987, and it hasn’t caught up to you yet. Today is no exception, my friend. You’re going to be undercharged at Starbucks, and it’s uphill all day from there. Somehow, you just keep giving karma the middle finger. Way to go.
PISCES
Stop whining and get the prescription. And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
ARIES
You’ll be served with divorce papers around noon, so go ahead and cancel the romantic weekend you have planned for your wife. Oops. Should I have said ‘spoiler alert’?
TAURUS
The ass indention you’ve made in the couch will become self-aware today and learn to operate the remote control. At first you’ll fight over what to watch, but you’ll eventually become best friends.
GEMINI
Your personal ad will finally be answered by someone super-dreamy today. And by super-dreamy, I mean straight-up nightmarish. Take down that damn personal ad before generation X’s answer to Ed Gein shows up on your doorstep with a bouquet of tulips and a pattern for a skin suit.
CANCER
Everyone knows you’re sensitive, so today your friends will take turns making you cry in public. Happy Friday, you big pansy!
Scapegoats and Sacred Cows 