Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

1. How do you like to wake up in the morning?

a.  With a little purrfect love! Give me a kitty snuggle and kiss any day of the week. Honestly, it’s probably the only affection I’ll get all day unless I can trick the janitor at work into bumping into my ass again.

b.  Nothing gets me going like the detox shakes. Better than Folgers, baby!

c.  Brangelina’s body guard’s bulging biceps cradling me as he lifts me gently out of the bushes. Swoon!

 

2. What’s your go-to outfit?

a.  Nothing says ‘this is me’ like my cat face sweatshirt. Plus, it makes me happy all day. Who cares if it smells and has questionable stains?

b.  It used to be anything with my Rock & Republic jeans, but I left them somewhere last weekend. I guess I took a cab home with no pants. Good thing I wore panties that night (I hope)!

c.  Anything from my Celine Dion collection. People say we look just alike. I even sign my checks with her name sometimes. No one ever notices because normal, unfamous people are stupid.

 

3. You find yourself home alone and bored on a Friday night. What should you do?

a.   Dress up the kitties for an impromptu wedding. Mr. Whitey Paws and Creamsicle were made for each other. Break out the camera and the sparkling cider!

b.  Enjoy my solitude. Put on my PJ’s, pop in a movie, and cook some Pizza Rolls. The fifth of vodka in the cabinet isn’t going to drink itself!

c.   Kim Kardashian is never home on Friday nights. Time to break in and steal her socks!

 

4.  Do you drink alone?

a.   No way! I have a white Russian while Twinkle Toes has a bowl of milk. That’s how we do date night at our house.

b.   I’m not alone if I’m on Facebook.

c.  I don’t drink at all. Alcohol interferes with my anti-psychotics.

 

5. What’s your ideal date?

a.    Two words: cat circus! Complete with trapeze and tiny leotards. What a riot!

b.    It’s important that a date start with a drink. You know, so we can relax and get to know one another. Then we should continue drinking so we can have fun. An ideal date will also end with drinks, and maybe some saltines or peanuts somewhere in there so I don’t puke.

c.     Setting up camp outside of Lindsey Lohan’s house. I’ve heard if you catch her when she’s wasted enough, she’ll invite you in for Dorito’s and cigarettes.

 

Mostly a’s: Congratulations! A cat will never stab you in the back like that bitch best friend you had in high school. So what if she was the last human friend you ever had? Who needs people when your house is overrun with felines and fur? This lifestyle is for you and you wear it well!

Mostly b’s: Alcoholism is not for the faint of heart or for the weak of bowel, but you can handle it! Just be warned: interventions are all the rage these days, and you really don’t want all your friends and family in the same room. Take my advice and hide your habit like a dirty bastard child!

Mostly c’s: Put on some make-up and visit the networks. Get your pitch ready for the next big reality show: Stalkers of the Rich and Famous. It’s what you were made for, baby. And once you’re a Z-list celebrity, you’ll have stalkers of your own.

Mixture of all 3: Welcome to my world. Stay out of my way.