Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

We Gen X’ers like to think that we patented misery. It was our thing for years. I don’t know why. It’s really pretty dumb. Our ‘spokesman’ was a suicidal junkie who never washed his hair. I loved him, too. But really, guys? I think we’ve all moved on. Well, most of us anyway. Some of us are still wallowing. You know who you are. If it’s you, let me tell you why you’re still miserable.

1. Your medication isn’t quite right. Try adjusting it. Talk to your doctor or don’t. That part is up to you. Trust me, I’m not one to dole out advice on that one.
2. Your dog hates you. He craps on the floor on purpose so you’ll step in it when you’re in a hurry  to get to work. Trade him for a moped. You’ll look sporty on your way to work and won’t have shit on your shoes.
3. Your mom isn’t that fond of you, either. She prefers your older sister. You’ve always been a pain-in-the-ass. Come on, this isn’t a surprise. You have to let go of the idea that your own mother has to like you.
4. Stop peering into that dude’s window. You two went on half a date three years ago. Get over it. You’re obviously afraid to commit so you’ve attached yourself to an idea, but that idea is going to call the cops if he finds you in his rose bushes again.
5. TV hasn’t been as great since Pushing Daisies was cancelled. That show freaking rocked. What have the TV gods offered as a  replacement? CSI: Fort Worth? No, thank you. Jerks. But it’s not all bad. You just have to know where to look. I’ve got two suggestions for you, my friend: Archer and Workaholics. You’re welcome.
6. You’re gay and those closet walls are closing in. Sorry to out you this way, but everybody else already knows. Time to embrace your inner  homo, and a nearby homo, and you’ll be happier.
7. Stop feeling guilty about  drinking alone. I believe a couple of glasses of wine in your own company shows that  you are comfortable with yourself. It says ‘I like myself enough to spend time with me and a bottle of Pinot.’ Not ‘I’m a big fat alcoholic.’ Unless, of course, you are an alcoholic, then you should probably consider rehab or one of those twelve-step programs that requires you to apologize to everyone you’ve ever offended. That should keep you busy for the next decade, and you won’t have time to feel sorry for yourself.

Remember: today’s a gift, that’s why it’s called a hangover!