There is screaming in my brain. Stories and prose that are trying to get out. Sometimes I can’t figure out how to put them down. I can’t make the screaming go away. But I don’t want to. It’s my home.
I need validation, a visceral reaction from you. Without it I don’t exist. But maybe that’s all right. Because sometimes I’m tired of me. Exhausted from the endless tales and always, always needing someone to tell me ‘well done’.
If I can’t make you laugh, can’t make you cry, can’t make you react, I have wasted my time. And yours. And for that, I am sorry.
Lindsay Lohan is on the defense once again. This time, she’s been accused of being a toilet clogger. It has to be true. I read it on TMZ. The allegations are stemming from her time on the set of Scary Movie 5. Apparently she clogged her toilet and every other toilet on the set. But she swears she’s been framed. That is the ultimate revenge, right? Call someone a toilet clogger.
In response to these allegations, here’s my open letter to Lindsay Lohan:
Sometimes as a woman ages, her digestive system changes. This can create some embarrassing problems. The remedies are simple. First, try giving up processed foods and dairy. That should clear up your toilet clogging problem right away. You’ll need to take a calcium supplement. You’re a great candidate for osteoporosis since you’ve had a cigarette and a soda for breakfast every day for the last decade.
If the diet changes don’t help, I’m afraid you’re going to have say goodbye to the opiates. I know it’s rough. You’ve had a great relationship, but you’re destroying entire plumbing systems. And that is one of the major problems with those happy little pills.
And please, Lindsay, stop it with the ‘I’m being framed’ bullshit. No one’s out to get you. Honestly, people are rooting for you. How many chances do we all keep giving you? We get our hopes up with every single come back. I would have even bought those stupid leggings you were pushing a few years ago if you didn’t give them a sticker price of $75. They were leggings, Lindsay. No one pays more than $20 for leggings. No wonder you don’t have any more money. You don’t know how much anything costs, do you? I bet your drug dealer is as rich as a Rockefeller.
The point is we all want you to get your shit together, just not all in one place.
P.S. Break up with your mom.
When hosting a holiday gathering, there a few important things to remember.
Do: groom your nails. You can’t prepare food with dirty fingernails! Clean beneath them with something thin and sharp. Don’t: stop until you see blood. Nothing says clean like removing the skin.
Do: brush up on current events for conversation topics. You don’t want to appear ignorant. Don’t: come off too opinionated if you’re a woman. Nothing is more of a turn-off than a vadge with opinions. Just state the facts and smile, ladies.
Do: select the music carefully. Don’t: sing along as if no one is listening. It’s annoying and you sound like crap.
Do: use decorative place cards. Don’t: be afraid of controversy. Go ahead, sit the douchebags next to the asshats and enjoy the show!
Do: serve cocktails. Don’t: roofie your guests. It may seem like a good idea. But the reality is they will all pass out and be stuck at your house. Even the ugly ones you never intended to feel-up.
Make this year’s party one to remember, you crazy slut! Of course, if anyone can remember it, you probably did it all wrong.