When hosting a holiday gathering, there a few important things to remember.
Do: groom your nails. You can’t prepare food with dirty fingernails! Clean beneath them with something thin and sharp. Don’t: stop until you see blood. Nothing says clean like removing the skin.
Do: brush up on current events for conversation topics. You don’t want to appear ignorant. Don’t: come off too opinionated if you’re a woman. Nothing is more of a turn-off than a vadge with opinions. Just state the facts and smile, ladies.
Do: select the music carefully. Don’t: sing along as if no one is listening. It’s annoying and you sound like crap.
Do: use decorative place cards. Don’t: be afraid of controversy. Go ahead, sit the douchebags next to the asshats and enjoy the show!
Do: serve cocktails. Don’t: roofie your guests. It may seem like a good idea. But the reality is they will all pass out and be stuck at your house. Even the ugly ones you never intended to feel-up.
Make this year’s party one to remember, you crazy slut! Of course, if anyone can remember it, you probably did it all wrong.