Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

Lindsay Lohan is on the defense once again. This time, she’s been accused of being a toilet clogger. It has to be true. I read it on TMZ. The allegations are stemming from her time on the set of Scary Movie 5. Apparently she clogged her toilet and every other toilet on the set. But she swears she’s been framed. That is the ultimate revenge, right? Call someone a toilet clogger.

In response to these allegations, here’s my open letter to Lindsay Lohan:

Dear Lindsay,

Sometimes as a woman ages, her digestive system changes. This can create some embarrassing problems. The remedies are simple. First, try giving up processed foods and dairy. That should clear up your toilet clogging problem right away. You’ll need to take a calcium supplement. You’re a great candidate for osteoporosis since you’ve had a cigarette and a soda for breakfast every day for the last decade.

If the diet changes don’t help, I’m afraid you’re going to have say goodbye to the opiates. I know it’s rough. You’ve had a great relationship, but you’re destroying entire plumbing systems. And that is one of the major problems with those happy little pills.

And please, Lindsay, stop it with the ‘I’m being framed’ bullshit. No one’s out to get you. Honestly, people are rooting for you. How many chances do we all keep giving you? We get our hopes up with every single come back. I would have even bought those stupid leggings you were pushing a few years ago if you didn’t give them a sticker price of $75. They were leggings, Lindsay. No one pays more than $20 for leggings. No wonder you don’t have any more money. You don’t know how much anything costs, do you? I bet your drug dealer is as rich as a Rockefeller.

The point is we all want you to get your shit together, just not all in one place.

Sincerely,

SGSC

P.S. Break up with your mom.