You crossed my mind today. Walked right through with your dirty shoes. I asked you to please remove your shoes. You said, “okay.” But you didn’t take off your shoes. You stood there with your arms crossed and smiled.
“If I give you something you want, will you please take off your shoes? You’re getting my brain dirty.” I was beginning to fret and twirl my hair. It always annoyed you when I twirled my hair out of annoyance.
“What are you willing to trade for my shoes?” you asked.
“I have three different types of apples and a variety of cheeses.” I pointed at the basket of apples and cheeses. I hoped you would approve of my offering and remove your shoes that were dirtying my brain. Then I realized that the basket wouldn’t fit in my head.
You must have realized it, too. Because then you were gone. I promise if you’ll come back you can wear your shoes, and I won’t twirl my hair out of annoyance.
Now that Kim Kardashian is having a baby with Kanye West, I think we all know that it’s time rethink where we’re headed in our own lives. Like always, I’m here to help. Here are a few suggestions to point you in the right direction toward finding your new you:
Invent a new diet. Everybody’s going gluten-free, sugar-free, meat-free, dairy-free, and it’s working! The world is waiting for the next big diet. How about yellow-free, green-free, or actual food-free? Try to survive off air and fingernail shavings and write a book about it. You could be the next Dr. Atkins before you know it!
Cry in public and record the responses in a journal to read later. What laughs you’ll have over that! You’ll find yourself with a renewed appreciation or hatred for the human race, but either way you’ll experience a change.
Dress like a ninja. I know I encouraged you to wear cruise wear before, but it’s winter now. Black is slimming, you’ll save time in the morning on getting ready, you’ll always be comfortable, and folks will stay out of our way.
Work harder on stalking. Nobody respects a quitter! If the creepy tattoos and mixed CD’s from last summer didn’t get your message across, it’s time to up the ante. Develop a web series dedicated to your paramour and broadcast it on youtube. Outline all the things you love about him/her. Put your face right up to the camera and say his/her name slowly and clearly so there’s no mistaking whom this message is for. You might want to describe some personal physical details as well so there’s no mistaking your beloved’s identity. Don’t give up! It might take several video clips to get the attention you deserve.
I have a feeling 2013 will be your year. Get out there and own it, gurl!