Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

This is a guest blog and frankly, I’m a little conflicted about it. If karma’s taught me anything (and it hasn’t) it’s that I’m as unwelcome a guest here as the guests I’ve had in my house. But look, I’m not here to eat your food or clog your toilet, and I’m not staying very long, so who cares? Let’s briefly touch on a few things in my current head since that’s what blogs are wont to do. For things in my other head, see the links below.

As you know, citing health reasons, the Pope retired. Or quit. Or resigned. Or was fired. Or whatever Popes do that indicate they’re now out of a job. Welcome to the 99%. Hope the Vatican offers interim COBRA coverage. In any case, this should mean nothing to me as an atheist, yet I’m prepared to call bullshit on this whole health excuse. The last Pope was hunched over like the letter “C” and looked like a half-melted candle by the time he turned in. Now THAT’S a health condition, my friend. You’re still upright, so just suck it up and get back to judging stuff.

Speaking of half-melted candles, they dusted off Elton John for a handful of things at the Grammys and I can’t figure out why. And don’t say “…because Elton John rules.” Stop it. That may have been the case in 1972, but it’s not now. So unlike the Pope, Elton John can have a pass on resigning forever and ever. But nevermind all that. E! News red carpet coverage had a “manicam” – a small box lined in red shag, in which people put their fingers. (Why not just call it “vaginacam”?) Too bad there wasn’t a mousetrap in there. Anyway, long nails appear to be all the rage again. Were they ever the rage? Yes they were. You should know this if you were around in the 70’s, or have ever lived in New Jersey. There are 17 levels of wrong about long nails, but let’s start with the sanitary level. Business is getting trapped up under there. Don’t think it’s not. That overhang is a little umbrella cave for grossness, so please cut that shit down to a nub.

Speaking of grossness, in case you needed another reason to avoid cruises, a Carnival Cruise is on its way to Alabama for rescue. If you’re heading to Alabama for rescue, shit is dire. Apparently the ‘carnival’ includes backed up sewage, non-functional toilets, overflowing feces on the decks, urine soaked carpeting, and food rationing. How many times are we gonna go through this? STOP GOING ON CRUISES. Nothing comes of cruises except floating evil. At best, you’re looking at a hotel in the middle of the ocean. On average, it’s a petri dish of infection, gluttony, and nausea. I hate to say I told you so, but damnit, I told you so.

Speaking of infection, gluttony, and nausea, John Mayer says he doesn’t feel like he’s in a  relationship with a celebrity when dating Katy Perry. Isn’t that sort of a backhanded compliment? I’m not sure. In any case, it doesn’t matter since I’m confused on John Mayer in general. Could someone explain him to me? And while you’re at it, please get him some antibiotics and an insulin shot, because it kinda looks like he needs both at all times…?? Unclear. But something’s definitely wrong. Maybe add more raw garlic to your diet, John. It’s nature’s antibiotic.

Speaking of garlic, it’s probably high time I wrap this up. I’m at work after all, and I need to pretend I care. Much like you might be doing right about now…

Deedee Ulintz is a writer, dancer, cat herder, and wine drinker. She probably doesn’t like you. Check out her boobs, I mean blogs here:

http://viafrogger.wordpress.com ; http://meetingsfromaconservatory.wordpress.com