My Friend Berva*

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Catfish the TV show has me watching MTV again for the first time since Headbangers Ball was cancelled. At first, I wondered how these people could be naive enough to believe complete strangers about everything they say. Then I realized I have a friend whom I’m never met, and I adore her. What if she’s not real?

Want to know why I adore her? Berva posted select quotes on FB while watching Showgirls with the commentary:

“Everyone involved in the making of this picture… every single one of them is making the worst possible decision at every possible time. And it’s this incredible density of failure that makes Showgirls sublime.”

“I just don’t remember seeing any strippers on Entertainment Tonight, and nor can I imagine Janet Jackson or Paula Abdul agreeing to do such a show.”

“One of the funniest things I’ve heard at one of these screenings: when she said her name was Nomi, he said, ‘…with a G’?”

“Molly offers to make the dress, but Nomi insists on buying it, even though she hasn’t found a place to live, and we don’t know if she’s paying any rent.”

“It’s bad enough that Nomi kicks everything and starts fires and fights, but look: she LITTERS. What an ASSHOLE.”

“Don’t you hate it when you take your kids to work in your job as a topless dancer, and them someone cusses in front of them?”

Here’s where I joined in: And what little shitty kid cries when they hear a cuss word? I guess I should say “she”, not “they”. That little twit was a girl, right? It’s been years since I saw that movie. I didn’t have kids yet. Before I had kids I thought that was ridiculous, and now that I have kids I think it’s double ridiculous. “Mommy, she said the f word. Boo hoo.” Really? Your mom’s tits are out, dumbass. You have bigger problems.

And then, when Nomi goes to see that dumb rapist singer guy and she takes off her bra and he says something like “nice top” and she says “wait till you see the bottom” like her bush is magic. What does it do? Sing, dance, release doves? And then, guess what? She’s a mixed martial arts expert. That movie is just full of surprises!

To which Berva replied: EXCUSE ME. The quote is “I like you better topless.”/”Wait till you see me bottomless.” And yes, her vajayjay does all those things. It’s in an MGM musical, after all.

And then another time Berva posted this on FB: It was soft-spoken me and two loudmouths, sharing theories as to why weirdos are so often loners as well. One of the loudmouths said they’re too weird to function amongst normal people, and so I said “It’s like that book, IF I’M SO WONDERFUL, WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?”

But because they were loud and I was quiet, all they heard was the second part, and they both looked at me like I farted at a funeral.

And this one:

That awkward moment when you know the names you’ve given to neighbourhood cats aren’t even close to their legal names. Today I learned that my friend Little Stevie actually is called Sinbad. It is the worst thing since I learned that Ricky and Vicky actually were known as Gilbert and Tchaikovsky. I can only pray that I never learn the real name of my friend Reginald. It’ll be Smoky or Shadow or something and our relationship won’t weather the shame.

It’s true that I once had a neighbour who referred to Pan as Fats, but. What’s not adorable about some random palooka walking past your cat’s personal window and rumbling “‘Sup, Fats?” like she maybe bought him a beer one time when he was having a bad day?

This is without even going into her brilliant tweets. Now I’m one of those dumbshits from Catfish who’s all “I don’t care if she’s not who she says she is. I LOVE her.”

Of course, I would be disturbed if she turned out to be just the other side of my split personality.  She’s not, by the way. I know this because she lives in Vancouver and I don’t have enough skymiles to support this theory. I checked.

I still might call Nev and Max. But only because they’re so cute, and they would take me on a free trip to meet Berva.

*Name has been changed because kiss my ass.

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