Playlist for this miserable freaking winter

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This has been the most miserable winter of my entire life so far. To spread a little sunshine, I’ve compiled a small list of songs to help us power through the cold.

Baby It’s Cold Outside (Dean Martin, She & Him, buttload of others): nothing will keep you warm like date rape by the fireplace. Come on, stay for one more drink. Because “gosh your lips look delicious.” That’s not creepy at all.

California Dreaming (The Mamas & the Papas): a song about a dude who’s so cold he goes into a church and lies about praying so the Priest won’t kick him out. Who knew John Phillips could be so naughty?

Cold as Ice (Foreigner): because if a girl dumps someone she’s obviously frigid.

Ice, Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice): some douchebag bragging about how cold he is. We’re all cold, idiot.

Long Cold Winter (Cinderella): a bunch of dudes named after a Disney princess singing about being cold because some chick left. Sounds like someone needs to grow a pair.

Enjoy!

 

 

 

Reality, sitcom, or soap opera: your ideal lifestyle revisited

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It’s been two whole years since I posted reality, sitcom, or soap opera: what’s your ideal lifestyle? A lot has changed since then. Kim Kardashian has a baby to market, Ashton Kutcher is the new Charlie Sheen, and ABC is down to only one soap opera. It’s time to revisit with an updated lifestyle quiz to see how you have changed with the times. In case you didn’t keep up with your scores from last time (why wouldn’t you have?) here’s the link so you can do it again.

1. You have a new crush! What do you do?
a. Have your agent call his/her agent and arrange a date. So romantic!
b. Invite your potential paramour over for a drink, then spill something on his shirt. Do the whole “you’ll have to take that off so I can wash it” bit. He’ll never see it coming!
c. Murder his wife. That’s amore!

2. You lost your job. What’s the best course of action?
a. Arrange a series of public sightings. Be stumbling drunk every time and try to work in at least one crotch shot.
b. Drink and cry, then send your former boss a horrible e-mail that you never intended to send but you forgot to hit delete. Celebrate the restraining order by sleeping with your sexy neighbor.
c. Form a new company overnight and let your new company eat your old company. That’ll teach them.

3. Oh, no! You had a heart attack. What should you do?
a. Cue the cameras and try to work in a crotch shot.
b. “Why is this freeloader living in my house?” (cue laugh track)
c. No worries. It was a fake heart attack so your wife won’t divorce you and marry your son.

4. You want to be an author, so you:
a. Call your agent and arrange for a ghostwriter to tell your story the way only you can.
b. Keep lots of hand-scrawled notes everywhere and bartend (you guys- I just described my 20’s).
c. Write a book and you’ll be a star in the next episode. There’s no time for revision in the soap world.

5. Your next door neighbor keeps letting his dog poo on your lawn. How do you handle it?
a. “You guys, the Bentley’s out of gas. I don’t know what to do.”
b. Go to his house to confront him, only to learn that he’s really hot. The next several episodes will play off of your sexual tension and dog poo.
c. Since he’s already banging your wife, you shoot him.

6. How did you find out that you’re not barren?
a. Oopsy, there’s a rapper’s baby in your uterus. Guess that means he’s half-Jesus!
b. Oopsy, there’s a waiter’s baby in your uterus. The waiter is a decade younger than you and oh so attractive. The next season will play off of your sexual tension and pregnancy hemorrhoids.
c. Oopsy, your brother-in-law’s baby is in your uterus. Fortunately, your sister is in a coma so you don’t have to tell her that her husband is a philanderer. But you will have to tell your husband. Unless you can pass the baby off of as his. Good luck!

7. You’re getting a divorce. How do you handle it?
a. Cry to your mom about it in the back of a limo. Don’t bother to pretend it’s real. Nobody expected better out of you.
b. Laugh and cry, and then your ex will become your roommate. You guys will have a blast navigating the dating world together. Oh, the shenanigans!
c. Fake a pregnancy to keep your husband around. When you find out that he impregnated his much younger secretary, try to murder her. After your short stint in the psych ward, you’ll be good as new and ready to date again.

8. Your mom is driving you crazy! What should you do?
a. Fire her. You can get a new agent somewhere else.
b. Let her move in with you. Oh, the shenanigans!
c. Murder her and make it look like a suicide. Then you can take over her empire and steal all her meds.

9. Your house burned to the ground. Why?
a. To boost the ratings.
b. You caught the kitchen on fire while trying to make toast. You and those shenanigans!
c. Because Duke slept with Bianca.

10. You’re leaving after a one-night stand. Do you:
a. Make her sign something stating that she’ll never tell anyone about it, even though you kind of hope she brags about your prowess to the media just so you can deny it later.
b. Grab the wrong clothes but don’t notice it until later that day and you really have to get your favorite jeans back. So you make your friend pretend to be a pizza delivery driver so he can sneak in for you. Perfect plan!
c. Realize later that day that you just slept with your brother’s wife’s brother who just happens to be a priest. Whoops!

You chose mostly a’s: Your handlers won’t tell you this, but you’re just an idiot with extensions and implants.
You chose mostly b’s: You know better than anyone that friends are what holds your world together. Plus sexual tension, falling down, and dirty jokes that miss the mark but you just keeping trying! Boobs!
You chose mostly c’s: Enjoy today, because tomorrow you might be cancelled and teaching acting at a community college in Akron. In the meantime, get pregnant by your step-dad and burn down the hospital so they can’t reveal the DNA results to your mom or husband.

Southern Girl on the Frozen Tundra

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Living in the North has some advantages for a Southern girl. I’m exotic here in a comforting way, like paella. I say “y’all” way more than I ever did back home. The Yankees love that talk. I make sure to keep a hold of my accent, even though I’ve been here close to 7 years now. It’s kind of difficult sometimes, so I call home and talk to one of my family members to get it back.

I fit here in many ways. It’s a blue state, and no one ever asks me if my nose ring pops out when I sneeze. I answered that question on a weekly basis in Arkansas. The answer is “no”, by the way. Okay, maybe it happened once.

Besides living too far away from old friends and family, the brutal winter is the hardest part of living here. I love warm weather. I love wearing tank tops and skirts or sun dresses and flip flops. I love being able to forgo the jacket in favor of sunscreen. The cold here soaks me to my bones. It feels like a nemesis, working to disable me.

We’re having a snow storm today. And we’re set to have record lows in the next two days. School is likely to be cancelled. I’ve been acting like a complete brat. Like this weather is something happening to me. My poor attitude makes me want to do nothing but remain on the couch with the TV remote in hand.

A life-line came through yesterday when a friend had my family over for pizza. The kids were able to play with her kids, running through the basement like it was a playground. I ate too much and stretched out on my friend’s couch instead of my own. We chatted and I remembered that I’m not alone. The weather might keep me from doing some of the things I want to do, but I’m not certainly not the only one.

I’m not likely to ever stop missing the South. Short-lived winter storms and Southern hospitality are things that I took for granted during my formative years. But I honestly like living in Michigan, for six months of the year anyway. The summers here are perfect for playing outside everyday with the kids. I know I’ll eventually have to buy myself a pair of snow pants and go outside in the snow. But today I’ll settle for the knowledge that I’m not alone. Many of us are transplants and even if those of us who aren’t are facing the same snowstorm.