An Open Letter to Zooey Deschanel’s Bangs

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Dear Zooey Deschanel’s Bangs:

You’re an integral part of the lovely Zooey Deschanel’s style. You helped her attain the newly made-up status called “adorkable”. But I’m not buying it, bangs. I know what you’re up to. You have something much more nefarious going on.

What I’m saying here Zooey Deschanel’s bangs, is that you are very aggressive and confrontational in your presentation. And it’s because you are evil to your very core.

Apparently Zooey Deschanel is gluten-free vegan. So she lives off of lettuce and celery stalks. Here’s where you come in, bangs. While Zooey sleeps, you devour small animals such as hamsters, squirrels, or an occasional rabbit, therefore sustaining Miss Adorkable so she doesn’t die from lack of protein. You spit out the bones and every morning Zooey sees the bones but she lets it go. Know why? Because she’s afraid of you, bangs. If she confronts you, you’re going to eat her face.

I get it: you have a job to do. But your cover is blown, bangs. Get lost.

Sincerely,

Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

 

 

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