Katherine Heigl is still getting jobs

Katherine Heigl is set to return to the small screen soon. That’s great news for all 7 people who enjoy seeing her face every week. In celebration of her return, let’s talk about some of her films.

  1. Knocked-Up (2007): Though Heigl had made several movies before this one, Knocked-Up really catapulted her career in a way no other film ever had. As a sign of respect for the movie’s writer and director Judd Apatow, Heigl bad-mouthed the film, stating that it painted women as uptight, humorless shrews. The irony is that her statements made her appear to be an uptight, humorless shrew.
  2. My Father the Hero (1994): Heigl plays a teenager on vacation with her father (Gerard Depardieu). She’s trying to impress a boy, so she pretends her father is her lover. As if that’s not creepy enough, her father actually goes along with it to make her happy. The daughter eventually accuses the father of being a pedophile. I didn’t make that up.
  3. 27 Dresses (2008): This rom-com is apparently a girl who has been a bridesmaid a bunch of times. I think she’s also a hoarder who eventually buries herself under a mound of dresses and suffocates. I’m not sure if that’s completely true because I haven’t seen that piece of bullshit cinema and if you try to make me I’ll stab you in the ear.
  4. Life As We Know It (2010): Heigl plays opposite Josh Duhamel in this gem about two people who hate each other (of course) and are left in charge of a baby when both parents die. They move in together to share the responsibility. I saw about fifteen minutes of it on TV. Duhamel plays a lazy slacker while Heigl plays an uptight, humorless shrew.
  5. Zyzzyx Road (2006): In this film, Heigl plays a sexy lady who picks up an old dude and then her ex-boyfriend (Tom Sizemore–not kidding) finds them and tries to murder them or something. Never heard of it? NO ONE HAS.

I wish Katherine Heigl all the best on her new show. Maybe this time she won’t crap all over her opportunity, and actually be grateful that people keep giving her chances.


My future as a food jerk

As some of you know, I have migraines like a mofo. Well, I did until I got some handy dandy botox. Botulism for headaches, you ask? Yes, indeed. But I’m here to talk about gluten so stop distracting me.

Before the botox I tried going gluten-free to rid myself of those pesky headaches. The diet changes did help with the headaches, but really I just felt better all-around. I had more energy, fewer headaches, and that weird upper-arm rash I’d had since grade school disappeared.

Then I decided I’d rather have cake than be healthy. That’s not exactly how it went down, but I decided to start eating normally again to see what would happen. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say the extra bathroom time has allowed me to catch up on my reading.


So getting back on the GF train has been an up and down struggle for a few months now. For some reason, I can’t seem to make the commitment I started out with. I guess because this time I know it’s for real. My weird arm dots are back, I can’t get too far from a toilet, and I’m exhausted most of the time. It’s the freaking gluten, and I have to dump it for the rest of my life.

It’s like breaking up with a best friend. I pride myself in not having any weird food things. With the exception of being particularly picky about my hamburger-to-pickle ratio, I’m super easy to deal with at restaurants. Now I’ll be that “do you have a gluten-free menu” person. I’ve waited on those people and they’re assholes.

So I’m here today to announce my future as a food asshole. I hope you will all accept me anyway, as I’ll be less gassy and more energetic.