Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

Anne Coulter may seem like a miserable shrew with a used tampon for a heart, but it turns out that she has a romantic side.

Her soon-to-be-released book, Love, Annie: Liberals Are Dumb is a collection of love letters she wrote but never had the courage to send. Or in some cases, she sent them but they were returned unopened because everyone hates her.

Here are a few highlights:

Age 8:

Dear Billy Tubbins,

My name is Annie. I’m the blonde who sits behind you in art. The first time I saw you, I thought we could grow to love each other. But then I saw your artwork. A donkey, Billy? Really? You’re obviously an idiot. Only idiots and women are democrats. So maybe you’re a girl. Is that it, Billy? Either way, I hope you’re hit by a bus, hippie.

Sincerely,
Annie Coulter

Age 12:

Dear Randall,

You may have noticed that I’m a woman now. I hoped this would never happen to me, as everyone knows women are stupid. The curse of Eve has arrived in my womb. I’m officially unclean. I would appreciate it if you stopped looking at me in Social Studies until I come to terms with my status as a dirty idiot.

Thank you,
Anne C.

Age 16:

Dear Tony,

When I let you touch my breasts in your Camaro Friday night, I assumed we had an understanding. You can imagine my disappointment when I saw that stupid slut Janice in your car yesterday. Do you know that she is a feminist? That’s right. Your new little bimbo is a raging FEMINIST! All feminists are whores. I hope she gives you herpes.

Love,
Anne

Age 19:

Dear Professor Lowenstein,

Though I have enjoyed our dalliances immensely, it is time to admit that it’s over. You’re a sophisticated, brilliant, handsome man. But unfortunately you’re also a Jew. I’ll never forget you.

Love always,
Anne

Age 31:

Dear William,

I have enjoyed our courtship as much as I’m able to enjoy anything. But I feel that our time has drawn to a close. You want children, and I believe children are God’s continuing curse on womankind. I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am, and the thought of a little person staring at me with my own eyes terrifies me.

Best of luck,
Anne

Age 40:

Dear Ted Nugent,

It has come to my attention that you and I share a similar political theology. I am very attracted to men who enjoy wilderness and chewing gum. Just like when you became the legal guardian of that under-aged girl so you could doink her without going to jail, you have found a loophole. This time the loophole is in my heart. Please contact my assistant if you would like to get together and shoot a .22 at the feet of poor people while they stand in line for free food.

In loving respect,
Anne