Things I don’t want for Christmas

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In case you’re wondering what to get me for Christmas, here are ten things I do NOT want in no particular order:

Another baby. After two, those things are just redundant.

A Pandora bracelet. I don’t want one, stop asking. I don’t have any interests worth commemorating with a charm I’ll wear on my wrist.

Those toe-spready barefoot shoes.

Shoes that are supposed to make your butt higher but really they’re just platform tennis shoes.

Perfume, because it’s Satan’s pee and gives me a headache.

Bread products. For a reason why see this post.

Patchwork anything.

Sports memorabilia. Not buying from any team will do.

Taylor Swift’s new album. Or any of her old albums.

Espadrilles (I feel like this list is a little shoe-heavy. Is it too shoe-heavy?) because they’re dumb and will most likely make me fall down.

I hope this list is helpful. If you’re stuck for something, go with a Trapper Keeper or something equally rad.

Greasy ass rant

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Ever since Kim Kardashian exposed her greased-up pooping-bits, her bare image has been all over the internet.

The good news is that now the media is leaving Rene Zellweger’s face alone. The bad news is that the media still cares about Kim Kardashian.

The other good news is that ANYONE can look just like Kim Kardashian with the right amount of photoshop. Which is also bad news, I guess. I’m not really sure anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with the world.

Everybody who knows me knows that I like to pretend I’m above it all. I’m too existential to stare at that bulbous ass. But I’m really not.

The American dream has spiraled down the toilet the past two decades. And what better to showcase this spiral than a big ass that became famous from a sex tape with a popstar’s brother? This is the society we have created for our children. Every time we watch reality TV, read a tabloid, or even watch entertainment “news”, we are giving Kim K.’s ass another dollar to wipe with.

It’s time to get it together, folks. It’s too late for us, of course, but we can’t have our children worshipping at the throne of overpaid dimwits who have made a job out of being famous for a sex tape.

That greasy ass summarizes all that is wrong with American society.