Why you should not wear a bellhop uniform tomorrow, just in case you are considering it:

1. You were never a bellhop, so if you are mistaken for one it will only lead to shenanigans. You will take bags to the wrong room, ruining vacation for some family from Sheboygan. They haven’t left Sheboygan in over a decade! Don’t be that guy.

2. You borrowed the uniform from your cousin without asking him, and then you forgot to return it. He lost his job because he went to work without it. If he sees you in it, he’ll probably stab you repeatedly with a letter opener because he has that weird letter opener collection.

3. You were not in The Grand Budapest Hotel. Stop telling people that. It hasn’t gotten you laid yet, and it’s not going to.

4. It will put you in danger of losing your arm. Haven’t you seen Hot Tub Time Machine? We can all learn a lesson from Crispin Glover. And that lesson is bell hopping is a dangerous limb-losing path. That and you shouldn’t collect rats (Willard is the creepiest movie EVER).

5. You work at Hooters.

6. There’s nothing you can do to recreate your lost years. Fabricating a life as a bellhop will only drive you further into madness.

7. You’re already banned from every Hilton in the United States for impersonating a staff member. Do you really want to add the Holiday Inn to that last? Keep it up and you’ll be forced to stay at the Hampton Inn for the rest of your life.

8. It’s two sizes too small. You’re not fooling anyone. Stop trying to fool yourself.

9. No one has a bellhop fetish. It’s not a thing, stop trying to make it one.

10. Everyone who sees you will think about how cute bellhop uniforms look on monkeys, and then everyone will wish you were a monkey. Do you want to be a monkey? Because if everyone who sees you wishes you are monkey, you will probably start behaving like one just from all that pro-monkey energy being forced your way. You’ll definitely lose your job at Hooters if you throw feces.

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