Fall schmall

Everybody I know seems to be worked into a froth over autumn leaves. “Yay, orange and red on the trees and falling to the ground and making big colorful piles and shit. Blah, blah, blah…”

These harbingers of doom are lovely!
These harbingers of doom are lovely!

Please friends, stop having kittens over dying leaves. Because the death of the leaves is just the beginning. Everything is going to die for the winter, including my soul.

Forgive me if that seems hyperbolic. I assure it’s not. Winter in Michigan is AWFUL, comparable only to Dante’s fifth circle of Hell.

It begins with lovely leaves falling daintily in the wind. Next the wind grows more powerful and tears the shingles off of your house and tosses your cat into the neighbor’s fire pit which is thankfully not lit because it’s already too cold to even use a freaking fire pit. The snow sprinkles down next and it’s almost pretty for a few days. Next, the wind chill drops to forty below and everything freezes over and the first person who calls it a “winter wonderland”’ will get a punch in the crotch from yours truly. Eight months later, the thaw happens and I finally leave my house for the first time that calendar year.

The leaves were trying to warn us.
The leaves were trying to warn us.

And please don’t say “at least you have seasons” as if freezing my ass off for most of the year is better than living in a nice, warm climate that is secure enough in its identity to remain stable instead of changing into a hose beast just because that’s what it did last year. Having more than one season is not what it’s cracked up to be.

No snow needed.
No snow needed.

So until I get back to a warmer locale where I belong, please appreciate your precious leaves to yourself. Because it’s all doom to me.

Never change, General Hospital!

I’ve been watching General Hospital on and off for most of my life. This is not something I’m proud of, but it’s just part of who I am. You cannot imagine my relief when GH (yeah, I call it GH) was spared from the daytime soap chopping block at ABC.

I know it’s hard to understand why I’m loyal to a show with cheesy dialogue and far-fetched storylines. But these are the things I love about the show. It’s the purest form of escapist television.

On soap operas, ANYTHING can happen.

Currently on GH, mob hit man Jason Morgan was presumed dead not once, but TWICE! Then he was in a hit and run and his face was all smashed up and then repaired into super HAWT form and he has amnesia (there are two people on the show right now with amnesia-so rad). He’s going by the name of Jake, which is also the name of his son who was presumed dead but was recently found alive (on Cassadine island, natch). So now, we’re waiting on pins and needles to see if he finds out who he is before he marries Elizabeth, who knows who he really is but has always been in love with him and wanted him for her own and now she has him even if his pretty little brain is broken.

I don't know who I am, but I know how to screw on a silencer!
I don’t know who I am, but I know how to screw on a silencer!

They ain’t got to explain NOTHING.

Everybody’s rich somehow. There’s a mob element but we don’t really know what exactly they deal in. And assassins (like the above Jason) never go to jail, and if they do they get pardoned quickly through some magical technicality. The beauty is: it doesn’t have to make sense or be explained. Things move too fast around here for actual plot development!

I should be in jail for murdering Connie, but instead I'm boinking my daughter's boyfriend. Don't judge me!
I should be in jail for murdering Connie, but instead I’m boinking my daughter’s boyfriend. Don’t judge me!

Storyline recycling is the way of the walk.

I love to watch the storylines recycle every few years. Some things are obvious: One-night stands always result in a pregnancy. Pregnancies are never healthy and normal. Dead spouses always show up to weddings.

Oh nuts! Is that your dead wife? Rude much?
Oh nuts! Is that your dead wife in the doorway? I hope she brought a gift.

And a few things take longer to resurface. For example, Olivia got pregnant by mobster Julian Jerome after a one-night stand (these people DO NOT know about birth control), so she had Ned Quartermaine say the baby was his just like he did when Alexis Davis got pregnant with mobster Sonny Corinthos’s baby a decade or so back. It’s hard to remember exactly when that happened, because I think that kid should be about 10 but she’s about 20 because of SORAS (soap opera rapid aging syndrome, which is totally a thing).

Recast, recast, recast!

Recasts don’t always turn out great, but sometimes they are fantastic. The original Carly, Sarah Brown left to pursue her movie career after she was cast in Big Momma’s House 2 or something. A few Carly’s later, GH was happily settled in with Laura Wright. But Sarah wanted her job back and fans loved her. So…they recast Sarah as a mob princess. Things didn’t quite work out, but it was fun to see them be all “hey, why the hell not?” about the whole thing.

Stop calling me Carly, I'm Claudia now!
Stop calling me Carly, I’m Claudia now!

Don’t like this plot line? Freakin’ DROP IT!

Occasionally there were be a plotline so dumb, so pointless, that it just disappears with no explanation whatsoever. It’s like the writers are all “this crap ain’t working so let’s just forget about it and hope the viewers do, too”. I can’t explain why, but I admire the attitude that must go along with those actions.

I'm so glad they dropped that whole alcoholism thing so now I can successfully run my bar even though I never have  customers.
I’m so glad they dropped that whole alcoholism thing so now I can successfully run my bar even though I never have customers.

Please, General Hospital, never change. Keep doing what you do and I’ll keep watching and talking to the TV like a crazy person.


I love Teen Titans Go!

I’m sure a lot of parents can relate. After a steady diet of Dora, Max & Ruby, and Team Umizoomi, a cartoon finally appears that doesn’t bore you into a coma and you realize that you can do this. You can watch TV with your kids without fantasizing about inserting your head into the nearest oven.

Not since Phineas and Ferb has a children’s show so captured my attention. Apparently there was a serious superhero show called Teen Titans way back in 2003. I didn’t watch that one because I was too busy not having children in 2003. Anyway, the same voices that brought us Teen Titans have added a Go! to the end and made it a comedy. And it’s oh so good.

It reminds me a lot of Community in that it’s an ensemble comedy and it’s not afraid to go ‘meta’ without warning. And like Phineas and Ferb, it has jokes that are funny to adults (immature adults like me, but whatever) without being raunchy.

My favorite character is Raven, a saucy half-demon who moves via hover.

My hair is an awesome black bob but you can't always see it because of this rad hood.
My hair is an awesome black bob but you can’t always see it because of this rad hood.

There is also Robin, of Batman fame. In Teen Titans Go! Robin fancies himself the leader. It’s nice to see him step out of Batman’s hulking shadow.

Bat who?
Bat who?

There is a cyborg named Cyborg who loves pizza and has a total bromance with Beast Boy, the green vegetarian shape shifter who is in love with Raven. I wonder what shape-shifting quarter-demon babies would be like?

Real friends love pie together!
Real friends love pie together!

And last but not least is Starfire, the cheerful alien princess who has a pet larvae thing named Silkie.

I'm pretty and I love gross things.
I’m pretty and I love gross things.

The millennials who were fans of the 2003 incarnation of the show have their knickers in a twist over this awesome show. There are all sorts of disparaging comments on the imdb board about how it’s not like the original. I have one thing to say to the generation that gave us Miley Cyrus: SUCK IT!