Bingo for real-life grown-ups

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Being a grown-up is a total drag. Reward yourself for participating in the drudgery with this Bingo card. Every time you get a Bingo, do something frivolous like buy yourself a concert t-shirt or have a margarita for lunch.

Adulting is tough! Treat yourself for putting forth effort.

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I N G O
Poop without your iPhone Go to bed 100% on the natch Vacuum the living room but don’t count that as exercise Sleep more than 6 but less than 10 hours Eat your takeout from a plate instead of the Styrofoam container
Drink herbal tea without feeling pious Don’t laugh when someone farts in yoga For the love of all that is holy, stop using LOL Throw out all of your underwear, socks, and t-shirts that have holes- yes, all of them, even your favorites Eat a vegetable that isn’t deep-fried
Wash your sheets Floss your teeth seven days in a row FREE Listen to NPR for 30 consecutive minutes Get your teeth cleaned
Second-guess that 2nd beer before 11 am Go 48 hours without cracking a ‘your mom’ joke Wash your hair instead of wearing a hat to hide the grease Charge your phone before it’s below 25% Go 24 hours without misplacing your keys
Wear a coat when appropriate instead of just complaining about the cold Fill your gas tank before the gas light comes on to taunt you Update your phone when it tells you to Admit that you’re too tired to either cook dinner or go out for dinner Stop fluids two hours before bedtime to minimize the times you’ll wake up to pee

 

Don’t let politics get you down!

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The political ads and propaganda are only going to get worse for the next ten months. Some people are opting out of social media to avoid the arguments and bullshit, but some of us need social media for our jobs. Avoiding social media is out of the question for us, the internet-dependent worker bees. And no one can avoid people all together.

But you don’t have to put up with the constant irritation of political propaganda. Here are a few hacks to help you survive election season:

Block, block, block. Today I had the misled realization that none of my Facebook friends were posting things that I disagree with politically. That realization was followed up with another, truer realization. I had hidden or blocked all of my friends who posted things that make my blood boil. It’s surprisingly easy and effective!

Hey guy who sat behind me in 9th grade social studies, I don't care about your political beliefs at all.

Hey d-bag who sat behind me in 9th grade social studies, I don’t care about your political beliefs at all.

MMMBop them. If someone insists on poking you with political rhetoric, look them square in the face and sing a song that is both annoying and easy to remember. I suggest the Hanson hit “MMMBop”.

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Annoying and catchy tunes are powerful weapons.

Change the players. If you accidentally read a headline, replace the names of the candidates with names from My Little Pony. For example: “Pinkie Pie thinks all Muslims should register with the government.” Kind of softens the blow, doesn’t it?

Stone-cold racist.

Stone-cold racist.

Don’t open any forwards from your parents. This one always applies because your parents don’t know how to delete the rows and rows of email addresses when they forward things.  But during election season, old-school parents tend to send things that are racist for reasons they don’t get.

We're not racist. We have a black friend.

We’re not racist. We have a black friend.

Start a swear jar, but for political rhetoric. If your office-mates can’t stop talking politics, make them put a dollar in a jar every time they bring up politics. In no time at all, you’ll have enough money for ear plugs and a white noise machine.

Don’t read news sites. My husband makes fun of me for avoiding the news. But it’s really depressing, especially during election season. I’d rather get my news from Jezebel and pretend that Diane Keaton’s hats have global influence.

Diane Keaton's hat has a plan for border control.

Diane Keaton’s hat has a plan for border control.

Become informed and back away. Please understand that I am not advocating political ignorance. It is important that you learn about the candidates. But do it on your terms. Learn the facts, ignore the negativity and ignorance, and get back to reading novels and coloring like the hard-working adult you are. If people keep bugging you, retreat to your fort.