Things I don’t understand

VESTS: Why do we need a garment that only warms the torso? If your torso needs an extra layer of warmth, your arms do, too. And I’m not talking about vests that are only for decor like we wore in the 1980’s, because we all know that over-sized vests were the shit. I’m talking about puffy vests. And I’ve tried. A good friend of mine loves vests. She swears that they’re great for when you’re running errands and don’t want to be weighed down by a coat. I get that. But that’s when you forgo the coat for a hoodie, right? #nevervests

vest

OPEN-TOED BOOTS: Again, are we cold or warm here, people? If it’s cold enough to wear freakin’ shoebooties, your toes should be covered. And you can’t wear socks if you’re wearing open-toed shoes. So that means you can’t wear socks with these boots and what kind of sociopath doesn’t wear socks with boots?

bootie

If you need your knees covered by boots, then how are your toes warm, PATRICIA?

opentoeboots

SHORT-SLEEVED OR SLEEVELESS TURTLENECKS: For the love of all that is holy, why do these exist? If I put my personal hatred of turtlenecks (wearing one is like being slowly choked to death by tiny polycotton demon hands) aside, I can understand a short-sleeved or sleeveless turtleneck as something to wear under a jacket or cardigan. But I’ve seen way too many women wearing them as a stand-alone garment. If your neck is cold, then your arms should be in need of covering as well.

And what’s up with the woman in this photograph? It’s cold enough for a turtleneck but but her stomach is fine with being left in the breeze? Whatevs, JANICE.

turtleneck crop

SKIRT AND PANTS COMBOS: It’s like we’ve gotten too lazy to put leggings and a skirt on separately, the way God intended. A good friend of mine who is extremely fashionable defended this article of clothing to me when it was first a thing a decade or so ago. And it looked good on her, but she’s one of those people who can wear anything so her opinion doesn’t count because she might not be human. It can’t be both pants and a skirt at the same time.

skirt&pants comob

However, I’ve come around on the idea of skorts, which are skirts with shorts attached beneath. But the shorts don’t show unless you’re being unladylike and since I’m often unladylike it’s nice to have shorts covering my drawers.

CULOTTES: Again, it can’t be both pants and a skirt. Stop trying, DENISE.

culotte

Hmm. Maybe I have sensory issues?

Bingo for real-life grown-ups

Being a grown-up is a total drag. Reward yourself for participating in the drudgery with this Bingo card. Every time you get a Bingo, do something frivolous like buy yourself a concert t-shirt or have a margarita for lunch.

Adulting is tough! Treat yourself for putting forth effort.

B

 

I N G O
Poop without your iPhone Go to bed 100% on the natch Vacuum the living room but don’t count that as exercise Sleep more than 6 but less than 10 hours Eat your takeout from a plate instead of the Styrofoam container
Drink herbal tea without feeling pious Don’t laugh when someone farts in yoga For the love of all that is holy, stop using LOL Throw out all of your underwear, socks, and t-shirts that have holes- yes, all of them, even your favorites Eat a vegetable that isn’t deep-fried
Wash your sheets Floss your teeth seven days in a row FREE Listen to NPR for 30 consecutive minutes Get your teeth cleaned
Second-guess that 2nd beer before 11 am Go 48 hours without cracking a ‘your mom’ joke Wash your hair instead of wearing a hat to hide the grease Charge your phone before it’s below 25% Go 24 hours without misplacing your keys
Wear a coat when appropriate instead of just complaining about the cold Fill your gas tank before the gas light comes on to taunt you Update your phone when it tells you to Admit that you’re too tired to either cook dinner or go out for dinner Stop fluids two hours before bedtime to minimize the times you’ll wake up to pee

 

Don’t let politics get you down!

The political ads and propaganda are only going to get worse for the next ten months. Some people are opting out of social media to avoid the arguments and bullshit, but some of us need social media for our jobs. Avoiding social media is out of the question for us, the internet-dependent worker bees. And no one can avoid people all together.

But you don’t have to put up with the constant irritation of political propaganda. Here are a few hacks to help you survive election season:

Block, block, block. Today I had the misled realization that none of my Facebook friends were posting things that I disagree with politically. That realization was followed up with another, truer realization. I had hidden or blocked all of my friends who posted things that make my blood boil. It’s surprisingly easy and effective!

Hey guy who sat behind me in 9th grade social studies, I don't care about your political beliefs at all.
Hey d-bag who sat behind me in 9th grade social studies, I don’t care about your political beliefs at all.

MMMBop them. If someone insists on poking you with political rhetoric, look them square in the face and sing a song that is both annoying and easy to remember. I suggest the Hanson hit “MMMBop”.

hanson2f-1-web
Annoying and catchy tunes are powerful weapons.

Change the players. If you accidentally read a headline, replace the names of the candidates with names from My Little Pony. For example: “Pinkie Pie thinks all Muslims should register with the government.” Kind of softens the blow, doesn’t it?

Stone-cold racist.
Stone-cold racist.

Don’t open any forwards from your parents. This one always applies because your parents don’t know how to delete the rows and rows of email addresses when they forward things.  But during election season, old-school parents tend to send things that are racist for reasons they don’t get.

We're not racist. We have a black friend.
We’re not racist. We have a black friend.

Start a swear jar, but for political rhetoric. If your office-mates can’t stop talking politics, make them put a dollar in a jar every time they bring up politics. In no time at all, you’ll have enough money for ear plugs and a white noise machine.

Don’t read news sites. My husband makes fun of me for avoiding the news. But it’s really depressing, especially during election season. I’d rather get my news from Jezebel and pretend that Diane Keaton’s hats have global influence.

Diane Keaton's hat has a plan for border control.
Diane Keaton’s hat has a plan for border control.

Become informed and back away. Please understand that I am not advocating political ignorance. It is important that you learn about the candidates. But do it on your terms. Learn the facts, ignore the negativity and ignorance, and get back to reading novels and coloring like the hard-working adult you are. If people keep bugging you, retreat to your fort.

My take on the Ashley Madison hack

I am not here to judge these folks. I firmly believe that what you judge today can land in your lap next week and I’m not up for that (looking at you, Josh Duggar). I’m only here to talk to you about anonymity.  

I know the site promised you that your information was safe. But so did Target, TJ Maxx, and a slew of other people whom I’ve willingly given my credit card numbers to, only for them to send me a letter informing me that I might want to get a new credit card and go ahead and destroy the one they have on file. 

It takes no more than 2 minutes to open a Hotmail account, or a Gmail account, or a Yahoo account. None of these require your true identity. So, to all of you asshats who used your work email accounts for a cheating site, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? 

Also, prepaid credit cards are readily available and quite convenient. So, to all of you who used a credit card attached to your name and home address, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? 

And to everyone who thinks this is a hilarious turn of karma, please consider that your medical records are online these days. As are your children’s medical records. The point is: any data breach is bad news. Today’s cheater could be tomorrow’s IBS that your friends didn’t know you have but now they do. 

xoxo

SGSC

John Mayer is addicted to liking himself

Last week John Mayer went on the Today show to tell the world that he is a “recovered ego addict”. Does this mean he’s not the giant douche that we all thought he was? Of course! Just like Tiger Woods with his sex addiction that made him poke every Denny’s waitress across the Midwest, John has a problem that got a little out of hand. What can we learn from John’s brave declaration?

  • Praise is poison and it makes you act like a frat-boy assclown. Only hang out with people who tell you how much you suck. Added bonus if the friends also tell you your butt looks huge in those pants.
  • Talent makes you an asshole. It’s best to be really, really bad at stuff. Mediocrity should be your highest goal.
  • No matter how horrible you behave, if you put the word “addiction” with another word, the media will call you “troubled” instead of “narcissistic”.
  • Katy Perry’s boobs are magical enough to make someone seek help.
  • Calling your own penis a racist is a side-effect of ego-addiction, not a side-effect of douchebaggery.
  • Making up a justification for bad behavior doesn’t make you a bad person, but being a smug self-absorbed twat does.

Guest Post: Suck it, Grammys by my girl Dee

This morning I started reading ALLLLLL about the Grammys and watched all the performances online. Since I TOTALLY don’t feel like working right now, allow me to share my rundown:

I’ll start with this: Pharrell is now dressing like a bellhop.

Jesus was a regular theme among a handful of performers, including BeYAWNce who sang a gospel song which was supposed to be some highlight because she was gettin’ church all up in h’ya. Wasn’t she the person who demanded an entire natal floor of a hospital be cleared for her and Jay Z, which meant that other families had incredible difficulty getting past all the security and restrictions in order to see their own newborns??? Because Jesus would’ve definitely done the same.

Maybe Tom Jones, Paul McCartney, and Stevie Wonder could stay home and enjoy retirement, and we can blissfully remember them as they once were, instead of as the rickety, warble-voiced, prehistoric vampires they are now. Whatever Grammy board of THINKTANKS decided it would be a good idea to pair ancient performers with young performers should be fired immediately.

If I didn’t like Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani before, they gave me plenty of reasons with their performance of a boring and stabbingly awful song they sang TOGETHER. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Two wrongs don’t make a right.

The big winner of the night was someone named Sam Smith. I don’t know who that is, so I did a little youtubing. He’s either a young British kid, or a guy in his early 50’s. His looks are too Benjamin Buttonish for me to make the call. His song that won everything is a weepy plea to a girl(guy?) and had lyrics similar to a poem I wrote when I was 11, right after the guy I held hands with at Shores Skateland dissed me for a much prettier, blonde girl who was popular. Whatever. Fuck him.

AC/DC performed too. AC/DC!!!! How many archeologists do you think it took to get those fossils up on stage?

The lead singer from ELO showed up to play a medley of songs. Read that again, and then go look at a calendar. Nope – you’re correct on both counts. I did say ELO and it is 2015. I like ELO, but I’m IN MY FORTIES. Seeing gangly Taylor Swift dancing to ELO music which she probably knows from commercials for luxury sedans, is just embarrassing for everyone involved.

Miranda Lambert performed a song called Little Red Wagon which was just the worst song I’ve ever heard… and I’ve heard a LOT of shitty songs. I’ll give her this much though – she looks like she could seriously FUCK someone up with that special kind of country crazy she’s got going. I’d shit my overalls if I ever met her alone on a dusty Oklahoma dirt road.

A new and beautiful country singer named Brandy Clark showed up to do a song with Dwight Yoakam. Yes, the Dwight Yoakam of Dwight Yoakam’s Macaroni Mouth Poppers and Dwight Yoakam’s Li’l Riblets:

dy dy2

Beck and Chris Martin performed a song together, but everyone fell into a coma before it was over and has no recollection of the performance. Chris Martin has officially become musical GHB. You have no idea what the fuck happened, but you know it wasn’t good.

There were more performances but nothing that warranted comment – even Katy Perry’s performance was uneventful. She sang some slow, god-loving song about domestic abuse (sure football association, I’ll take your money for the halftime show!!) but there were no dancing sharks and singing beachballs so no one cares.

And now that I’ve wasted a chunk of work time watching grammy performances, I can spend the rest of the day getting worked up about something else.

Deedee is a writer, dancer, cat herder, and wine drinker. Her boobs are at least four times bigger than mine. She probably doesn’t like you.

Regrettable quotes

In celebration of the media celebrating every stupid thing people say, here’s a quiz with 10 quotes from famous Americans. Some are intentional words, some are gaffes (I believe the medical term is brain-fart), but all are stupid. The answers are at the bottom (tee hee, bottom).

1. “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity. “
A) Ann Coulter B) George W. Bush C) Alex Jones

2. “It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
A) Jimmy Carter B) George W. Bush C) Jessica Simpson

3. “Over the last 15 months we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”
A) Barack Obama B) George W. Bush C) Kim Kardashian

4. “You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.”
A) George W. Bush B) Ronald Reagan C) Gary Busey

5. “Put on a sweater.”
A) Barack Obama B) Ronald Reagan C) Jimmy Carter

6. “Congratulations, you have been tea-bagged!”
A) Alex Jones B) Rachel Maddow C) Paul Ryan

7. “I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.”
A) Alex Jones B) Barack Obama C) George W. Bush

8. “You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.”
A) Joe Biden B) Alex Jones C) Ann Coulter

9. “Most public schools are, at best, nothing but expensive babysitting arrangements, helpfully keeping hoodlums off the street during daylight hours. At worst, they are criminal training labs, where teachers sexually abuse the children between drinking binges and acts of grand larceny.”
A) Gary Busey B) Ann Coulter C) Dick Cheney

10. “I think all real females are right-wingers.”
A) Ann Coulter B) Ann Romney C) Laura Bush

1. A), 2. B), 3. A), 4. B), 5. C), 6. B), 7. C), 8. A), 9. B), 10. A)

Greasy ass rant

Ever since Kim Kardashian exposed her greased-up pooping-bits, her bare image has been all over the internet.

The good news is that now the media is leaving Rene Zellweger’s face alone. The bad news is that the media still cares about Kim Kardashian.

The other good news is that ANYONE can look just like Kim Kardashian with the right amount of photoshop. Which is also bad news, I guess. I’m not really sure anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with the world.

Everybody who knows me knows that I like to pretend I’m above it all. I’m too existential to stare at that bulbous ass. But I’m really not.

The American dream has spiraled down the toilet the past two decades. And what better to showcase this spiral than a big ass that became famous from a sex tape with a popstar’s brother? This is the society we have created for our children. Every time we watch reality TV, read a tabloid, or even watch entertainment “news”, we are giving Kim K.’s ass another dollar to wipe with.

It’s time to get it together, folks. It’s too late for us, of course, but we can’t have our children worshipping at the throne of overpaid dimwits who have made a job out of being famous for a sex tape.

That greasy ass summarizes all that is wrong with American society.

15 Things only 2014’s MSU Delta Gamma Delta’s Can Understand:

  1. How much peach schnapps Kelsey S. can drink before she starts texting her psych professor.
  2. That Kelsey M.’s fruity milk booze punch can serve both as a beverage and a meal.
  3. Brittany K.’s urge to purge.
  4. Brianna T.’s kleptomania is merely a cry for help. But never leave your purse in her car. Am I right, girls?
  5. That doinking a Sigma Tau Omega is social suicide.
  6. Sisters share everything! So let me borrow that top, bitch.
  7. There’s nothing chocolate and new shoes can’t fix, except unwanted pregnancy.
  8. No sleep during Greek week! Seriously, falling asleep will result in someone shaving your head and peeing in your underwear drawer.
  9. That Brittany L. is not a slut. She’s just sexually liberated.
  10. Pretty girls don’t wear brown!
  11. You can only wear your hair in a ponytail on Mondays. That’s just common sense.
  12. Only lesbians enjoy poetry readings.
  13. Cotton underwear is only acceptable if you’re old, like over thirty.
  14. That Emily S. doesn’t have daddy issues, she just likes mature men.
  15. Where Kelsey Y.’s body is hidden.

True Blood: thanks for wasting our time

Many viewers feel completely cheated after last night’s finale. True Blood was a great show for the first season. And some of us hung in there after that. One reason was that we believed it could return to its early glory. Another reason was Eric’s frequently naked bum. Or for me, it was to see Lafayette and Pam.

Here are some of the highlights of the show that culminated in an utterly disappointing last season:

Remember that time in the first season when Jason punched Sookie and we were all, “Oh no!” He totally should have saved that for any other season, when we would have been fine with Sookie taking a fist to the face.

And then Tara turned that vampire who looked like he escaped from a methadone clinic into massive headwound Harry. That’s not how they die, dumbass. The head has to come all the way off.

Or when Tara ran off and became some sort of wrestler and a lesbian and she was FINALLY interesting so they turned her into a resentful vampire. On the upside, the turning scene with Pam in a sweat suit was kind of the best thing that ever happened.

And when Terry died there was an entire episode devoted to his funeral and flashbacks of his life, but when Tara died it was off-screen and then only person who really gave a shit was her crazy-ass mama. Everybody else was all, “Tara’s dead. This sucks.”

What about the whole Warlow season? What a crock of crap that was. “I’ve been looking for you for hundreds of years. I love you. Now do what I say or I’ll kill everyone.”

Do we even need to talk about Lilith, with her band of blood-covered naked chicks with pube goatees? Nah.

Or when Sookie put Russell Edgington’s dead lover’s remains down the garbage disposal just to be a massive bee-yatch?

And how about Jessica? She kills two of Andy Bellefluer’s fairy children (who apparently suffered from soap-opera-rapid-aging-syndrome), and then he presides over her wedding about eight weeks later. Why not? Time obviously has no meaning in Bon Temps, or Sookie wouldn’t have doinked Bill two days after Alcide was shot right in front of her.

If nothing else, True Blood gave us Lafayette. And our lives are better for knowing him. But why, oh why, was there plenty of Holly in the finale, and no Lafayette except for a flash of his lovely face at the end? If Nelsan Ellis doesn’t have a flourishing movie career soon and I’m going to sue Hollywood for punitive damages. I think that’s a thing, right?

We stuck with this madness for seven seasons, only to have it end with Sookie knocked up by a nameless, faceless beardy guy and spreading out food on an outside table a la Parenthood. And with Sarah Newlin chained up and not feeling thankful. I’m calling bullshit, Alan Ball.