Pop Culture – Scapegoats and Sacred Cows

What we learned from LORENA

February 24, 2019February 23, 2019Penni JonesLeave a comment

Amazon Prime is currently streaming a four-part docuseries (produced by Jordan Peele) chronicling the infamous 1993 Lorena and John Bobbitt assault cases. John beat and raped Lorena repeatedly over four years, and she subsequently cut off his penis and threw it out of the window in front of a 7-11. We’ve all heard about it, and many of us remember the media circus. But there is a lot more to the story.

WARNING: There are spoilers ahead, but due to the infamy of this case they may or may not be things you already know without watching the series.

Here are five take-aways from LORENA:

FACTS ARE EASILY MANIPULATED IN THE COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION: The thing I remember the most back then was how we heard so little about Lorena’s abuse, and when she finally took the stand in her own trial, it became clear that this woman was not a calculated and evil harpy hell-bent on retribution. She was the victim of prolonged brutality, and she snapped. But before her trial, John stood trial for raping and abusing her. Because of the domestic violence laws in Virginia, the prosecutors were only allowed to discuss the five days leading up to Lorena cutting off his penis. During his trial, she was painted as a jealous psycho who lashed out because he wasn’t satisfying her sexually and planned to divorce her. If you were to only watch the first episode of the series, you would believe that John was the victim.
PENIS WAS A TABOO WORD IN 1993: The media was all over this story. But using the word “penis” in the news wasn’t something Americans were okay with yet. “Organ” seemed to be the most popular alternative, which is preferable to “ding-a-ling”.
WE NEED MORE JOSEPH & DIANA FLETCHER: These two were the Bobbitt’s neighbors in 1993. They’ve both smoked A LOT of cigarettes. They laugh frequently, but they’re not making light of Lorena’s abuse. You can tell they’ve both seen some serious shit and haven’t let it break their spirits. They’re interviewed on their couch where they sit with a chunky lap-dog. Every time they appear on screen, which wasn’t often enough, it is a breath of fresh yet smoky air. I totally want to hang out with them.
HOWARD STERN WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN ELEVATING JOHN BOBBITT’S CELEBRITY: Stern had him on as a guest many times. Stern referred to Lorena as a “psycho-bitch” and suggested she wasn’t pretty enough to be raped. He hosted a telethon for John, raising $260,000 for his legal and medical bills. Stern had a platform to raise awareness of domestic abuse, but chose instead to fuel the eternal flame that is toxic-masculinity.
THEIR LIVES AFTER OFFER MORE EVIDENCE: Since the dissolution of their marriage, John has been arrested multiple times for battery and theft. He was fired from the Bunny Ranch for getting drunk and abusing female employees. He had well-publicized penis enlargement surgery, and lashed out when it turned out to be a bad idea. He desperately clung to his reality-star status by appearing in porn, and making public appearances such as judging a pageant comprised of naked women and a drag-queen Lorena-look-a-like contest. He still blames everyone else for his behavior. The women are all lying about him, his parents messed him up in the first place (which is probably true, but that’s why we have therapists), and none of this is his fault. Conversely, Lorena has remained largely out of the public eye, emerging only to bring awareness to domestic violence. She is an advocate and activist, drawing from the terrible things that happened to her as a way to help others.

John has written several love letters to Lorena over the years. He says they can get back together for a media tour and make money. According to John, it would be the “ultimate love story” if they could forgive one another. But Lorena has stayed away, probably because she knows a reconciliation would end with him murdering her. Because that’s where domestic abuse often ends. LORENA is worth watching, but the anger will stick with you. As evidenced by the last few years in American politics, we still don’t listen to women.

Interview with Jacob de la Rosa, super star

July 18, 2018July 18, 2018Penni JonesLeave a comment

In March I had one of the most exciting experiences of my writing career: I worked in the writers room of Real American, an upcoming webseries from Perelandra Pictures. The call for screenwriters was on a Facebook page for Michigan Production Opportunities. I didn’t think I actually had a chance of getting the gig, and at first I didn’t care. I submitted because I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone. But then I got an email from them, and then a Facetime interview. During this time I learned more about the project, and I started to care A LOT. It sounded so interesting and engaging and timely, and I felt a strong connection to the subject matter. I knew I had to be a part of it. That’s how I met Jacob de la Rosa.

Jacob is a writer, director, and owner of Perelandra Pictures. Along with his producing partner Kathryn Postema, he created the “Nottingham” video for Son of None, which was an official selection of the 2018 Grand Rapids Film Festival. Jacob also wrote and directed 2013’s Break Glass in Case of…., a feature-length film with Doctor Who‘s Tom Baker voicing a lead character.

Real American is nearing production, and Nathalie Galde has been cast as the lead. It’s time to learn more about Jacob de la Rosa.

SGSC: Where did you get the idea for Real American?

JD: I was really blown away by how sci-fi shows like Orphan Black and Jessica Jones had these strong female protagonists with their own rich lives and experiences, and I wanted to write a show like that with a Latinx lead.

SGSC: Anastasia is a complicated woman. Was this character inspired by anyone you know?

JD: I work at a news station full of career-oriented, hardworking women, so that definitely influenced Anastasia’s professional life in the series. A lot of how Anastasia lives her personal life, how she feels disconnected from her world and her past, that comes from my own experiences of what it’s like being biracial and passably white. Then I really have to credit you and Jalexia Stoutmyre for your work in the writers’ room, and for pushing to make Anastasia more flawed.

jalexia — Jalexia is not only a writer, she’s also makeup pro, artist, and actress.

SGSC: Who is your favorite director? Writer (screenwriter and/or author)?

JD: My favorite directors are Wes Anderson and Guillermo del Toro. My favorite writers are C.S. Lewis, Stephen King, and Michael Crichton.

SGSC: If you could collaborate with anyone dead or alive, who would you choose?

JD: The Dresden Dolls.

SGSC: What has been the most rewarding moment of your career so far?

JD: Recording with Tom Baker for Break Glass in Case Of…is up there. There’s been a lot of rewarding moments with Real American where I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be: working with other writers, meeting Nathalie Galde, and the character photoshoot for Anastasia.

SGSC: What is the single most important thing that people need to know about Real American?

JD: That it’s a story about the very relatable challenge of trying to figure out who you are, but seen through the eyes of an alien in disguise.

I hope you’re all as excited about this project as I am. Click here to learn more about Real American or to donate to the Kickstarter campaign to help get it into production.

SGSC

TJ & Dave: A Bromance for the Ages

March 22, 2018Penni JonesLeave a comment

Even if you’ve never heard of the improv duo TJ and Dave, you know TJ and Dave. TJ Jagodowski is the fair-haired guy in the Sonic commercials. TJ’s had several movie roles, including a small role in Stranger Than Fiction. Dave Pasquesi is that guy who looks a lot like Adrien Brody. He’s also had a lot of movie roles, as well as roles on Strangers With Candy and Veep. Trust Us, This Is All Made Up (2009) explores the pair’s unconventional partnership and methods.

Honestly, the beginning kind of drags if you’re not familiar with their improvisation show. The focus in the first twenty or so minutes is on their pre-show rituals, such as walking the streets separately (TJ would prefer that they were together, but Dave insists they have different people-watching experiences) to look for material and inspiration. For the first half hour, I was convinced that Dave is in love with TJ. He looks at him frequently all wide-eyed like he really wants to make out. I realized by the end of the show that it’s probably more of a platonic crush, a professional admiration that crosses over to personal mega-fondness.

Tj loves dave

The doc moves on to a performance at the Barrow Street Theater in New York. These guys are amazing. My slight boredom subsided as soon as the improv started. It’s just the two “Second City” veterans with no props except for three wooden chairs. This particular performance centers on corporate softball team angst. Magic emerges from the mundane. There are seven characters and two different settings, and they jump from character to character seamlessly. Sometimes they even switch roles with each other. TJ and Dave both have a fantastic ability to move from tangent to tangent without forgetting the original plot or the traits of each character.

After the show, the two discuss their characters and plot, analyzing the transitions and audience response. After watching the improv, I found this part of the documentary extremely engaging. Although the show is only an hour long, their characters, as TJ puts it, go on. They feel that the show is already in progress, they just pick it up somewhere and then leave it again. Their artistry isn’t truly understood until the end of the doc, until we see how much the process and the story mean to the duo.

They’ve been working together for about sixteen years, and their bromance has blossomed into a moving work of art. Their willingness to surrender to the subliminal power that directs their art yields unbelievably successful results. Each show is a unique viewing experience. TJ and Dave are as excited as the audience is to see what happens. They are merely players, showing a story in progress.

Kiss My Grits, 2017

December 31, 2017December 31, 2017Penni Jones2 Comments

We can admit that 2017 was a shit show, right? We were all so eager for 2016 to get packing that we didn’t even consider that 2017 might be even worse. And it was much worse.

But I’ve decided to search for silver linings. For one thing, my book On the Bricks came out in the beginning of the year. Here are some of the other best things about 2017:

Most stalk-worthy baby: Mindy Kaling gave birth to Katherine Swati on December 15. In true boss form, she refuses to tell us who the father is. This leaves us all free to believe that the father is BJ Novak. And if it’s not him, I don’t want to know.

kaling

Best movie ruined by a sexual predator: For at least a month I was obsessed with Baby Driver. The last time I fell this hard in love with a soundtrack was when Natural Born Killers came out. And the car chases had the fourteen-year-old boy in me boning out BIG TIME! But then the Kevin Spacey scandal broke and I haven’t been able to watch Baby Driver ever since. It’s a good thing I saw it five times before we heard the news.

babydriver

Best TV show I started watching in 2017 even though it came out in 2016: The Good Place- holy shirtballs, you guys. I watched it because my cousin Chris told me to and for some reason I treat him like my life coach. What could have been cheesy is clever and full of existential questions, made easy to digest with a huge dose of quirky humor.

thegoodplace

Girliest habit that I picked up at the beginning of the year and dropped before December: Fingernail shellac- it looks great but you have to sit there for an hour once very couple of weeks to keep them from looking gross. And since I’m not great at keeping things up, mine ended up looking great for two weeks and then trashtastic for about three.

shellac

Something I had at the beginning of 2017 but don’t have at the end: my uterus.

99problems

This year’s Kanye: Tyrese Gibson totally out-Kanyed Kanye this year. He repeatedly posted videos of himself on social media crying about his divorce and custody battle as well as complaining about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. In his douchiest move, he hired an airplane to fly a banner over his ten-year-old daughter’s school. The banner read “NO MATTER WHAT, DADDY LOVES YOU SHAYLA”. The subtext being that if she wasn’t embarrassed enough already by his social media rants, she would certainly be mortified by the banner at school.

Tyrese Gibson

Show that ended with us saying “WTF?”: Girls. Hannah somehow had a black baby. I guess since they never actually mentioned the baby daddy’s race (South Asian), we weren’t supposed to notice that he wasn’t African-American. And then she and Marnie went somewhere (I think it was upstate New York but I’ve already kind of forgotten) to live together and raise the baby even though Marnie was always terrible.

girlsbaby

Best reboot: Will & Grace– the first episode was a little awkward, but by the third episode they were back in their rhythm like they’d never been gone. And let’s be honest. We need Karen Walker in our lives now more than ever.

willandgrace

My favorite food of the year: this freaking taco cake made by Liz at the Dexter Bakery.

tacocake

Most potentially exciting thing about 2018: Amanda Bynes is planning a comeback and if that doesn’t happen I’m done with EVERYTHING.

bynes

Laura Albert: Liar, Genius, or Both?

May 10, 2017Penni JonesLeave a comment

The documentary opens with a dewy-eyed Winona Ryder on the microphone at some event, gushing about her love for JT LeRoy. But who is JT LeRoy?

I remember hearing about literary darling JT LeRoy some time in 2001 from one of my friends who is more aware of artistic trends than I’ve ever been. The buzz was interesting even in Arkansas. LeRoy’s novel Sarah, meant to be an autobiographical account of his truck-stop prostitute mother, was published 1999. JT claimed to be a former prostitute himself, pimped out by his mother to men who preferred “boy-girls”. He was HIV positive and a former heroin addict. With his emergence onto the literary and Hollywood scenes, it had the makings of a fairytale. And that’s exactly what it turned out to be.

The character of JT LeRoy came from the mind of Laura Albert. She was depressed and called a suicide hotline. “Terminator” spoke to Dr. Owens, and Laura presents it like she was a conduit to this troubled young man who needed his story heard. According to Albert, she started calling suicide hotlines and pretending to be a boy when she was a young teen living in an abusive environment. She felt she got more support when she presented the trauma as if she were a boy.

Dr. Owens suggested that Terminator start keeping a journal to deal with his feelings. Along with Dr. Owens’ help, Laura learned that Terminator’s real name was Jeremy.

Meanwhile, he/she managed to reach out to Dennis Cooper and land his agent Ira Silverstein. Silverstein felt that he had found a fresh, new voice.

LeRoy initially refused to do readings, claiming that he was too shy. So other people would join in to read for him. But eventually that wasn’t enough. So Laura Albert enlisted her boyfriend’s sister, Savannah Knoop to play JT. Savannah had an androgynous look, and Laura added giant sunglasses and a blonde wig to complete the costume. Laura added the characteristic of trans to JT’s story. The high voice and hairless face were attributed to hormone therapy.

Laura always felt like an outcast, and now she was suddenly a star. Only no one knew it. And she was still struggling with her weight and self-esteem, along with childhood trauma. To insert herself into the JT LeRoy narrative, she started speaking with a British accent and presented herself as JT’s assistant and best friend, Speedie. Geoff, Laura’s partner and Savannah’s brother, was a part of JT’s entourage as well. He went by the name Astor.

JT LeRoy’s rise was fast and furious. He became a star- a society darling, fashion icon, literary star. And that’s when Albert’s make-believe character really became self-aware. Or she put it, “her Barbies came to life.” Which was a strange way to put it since she mutilated her Barbies as a child. Savannah got to hang out with actors, rock stars, authors, directors. Gus Van Sant hoped to adapt one of JT’s books.

jtwinona

A raccoon penis bone-a reference to truck stop prostitutes-became the symbol of JT’s cult. There is a photo of U2’s The Edge wearing one on a necklace. LeRoy’s champions included Bono, Billy Corgan, Courtney Love, Michael Pitt, and Eddie Veder.

The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things (LeRoy’s second release) was made into a movie that got into Cannes. Savannah (as JT) is invited to sit on a panel, while Laura and Geoff had cameos in the film but they were cut.

Rumors flew that Dennis Cooper or Gus Van Sant wrote the books, but eventually people started to realize that it was probably Speedie pulling the strings. A high school friend of Geoff’s was eventually the whistle-blower.

New York Magazine’s Stephen Beachy broke the story in 2005. Celebrities came to JT’s defense. More stories followed, but Albert dug her heels in, other than admitting the truth to Billy Corgan and David Milch.

But once a photograph of Savannah surfaced, denial was no longer an option. Savannah and Laura were determined to stay quiet, to not give the media what they wanted. But Geoff spilled everything.

Laura Albert insists that JT LeRoy was never a hoax. JT LeRoy was very much real to her without being a physical presence. And that’s perhaps where the lines got blurred. She didn’t write the stories of JT LeRoy knowing that she would have to produce a real person. But when the time came, she did so instead of admitting the truth.

Each book was categorized as fiction, but was understood to be based on JT LeRoy’s life. So yes, she was deceitful. But she also gave the people what they wanted. Though it’s obvious that JT LeRoy’s backstory helped Laura Albert get the work published, she insists that wasn’t her intention.

In Author: The JT LeRoy Story we get Albert’s story firsthand. From her troubled youth all the way to the make-believe that got away from her. It’s interesting to watch, though somewhat voyeuristic considering that much of the material focuses on recorded phone conversations in which celebrities didn’t know they were being recorded.

lauraalbert

The question remains: was JT LeRoy an elaborate hoax or a work of fiction that came to life? Given Albert’s history with telling the truth, this documentary does not give a satisfactory answer.

Divorce: a gift from celebrities

September 21, 2016Penni JonesLeave a comment

I promise I’m not one to enjoy the suffering of others. But with all of the terrible things in the news every single day, I’m so relieved for a big fat celebrity divorce.

demi-moore-and-ashton-kutcher — **Remember when he doinked some random chick while Demi stayed home on their wedding anniversary?**

Today the headlines include slideshows of Brad and Angelina’s life together. We have timelines of their previous relationships. We have statements from “sources close to the family”.

depp — **Sorry guys, your divorce is old news.**

And it couldn’t have come at a better time. The news has been so depressing and stressful lately. I’d like to think the divorce was timed just for us, the anxiety-ridden American public. If only for today, it will be easy to avoid political news and heartbreaking headlines about terrorist attacks across the world.

**Nobody’s listening to these two today unless they want to weigh in on Brangelina.**

Am I proud to get wrapped up in celebrity gossip when it feels like the world is falling apart? No, way. It’s kind of disgusting. But who cares?

tom-cruise-katie-holmes — **This divorce could have been enjoyable, but the Scientology gag order reduced our fun tremendously.**

This is no ordinary celebrity divorce. This is Brad and Angelina, you guys. They have tons of kids and tons of properties. They have a freaking estate in France. Nobody you know has an estate in France. And you probably don’t know very many people who have six children. This shit is gonna get ugly! Not as ugly as racism and fascism, but that’s fine.

Once the Brangelina divorce dust settles we can go back to giving attention to the terrorists and fathead politicians. For today, let’s speculate on whether or not Angelina Jolie is jealous of Selena Gomez.

Marnie is the worst

April 29, 2016April 29, 2016Penni Jones1 Comment

I have a love/hate relationship with the show Girls. The first season was a breath of fresh air. It felt honest and funny while not shying away from the gritty turmoil that is the 20’s. It evolved over the next few seasons into an annoying bitch fest. The four main characters were constantly bickering and neglecting one another as their narcissism increased in intensity. Season 5 brought it all back around for me, except for Marnie. She sucks so hard.

marnie — **Your problems mean nothing to me, peasant.**

The character arcs in Girls have been both frustrating and interesting in varying degrees, depending on the character. Though Hannah is a spoiled, self-centered brat, she is talented and unashamed of her flaws. We’ve seen her go from aimless writer to a teacher pretending to be a grown-up, and hopefully back to following her passion because she’s realized that’s her only path. Shoshanna and Jessa have also been on paths of self-discovery that have set them up to mature and grow. Even the under-utilized Elijah is growing up. Then there’s freaking Marnie.

shoshanna — **The sheltered Jewish virgin is now a worldly Japanese girl.**

The series began with Marnie as an uptight art curator. A rich girl with excellent taste, and a preference for perfection that bordered on OCD. Then she decided to wanted to be a singer. By season 5 she’s in a band with her ridiculously annoying ex-husband. And they’re already successful, because this is Marnie we’re talking about. The problem is that following her bliss caused her no suffering. Quitting her job to pursue a dream never put her in a position to live off of bread and peanut butter for a week. Her teeth are just as white and her hair is just as shiny as it ever was. Even going through a divorce hasn’t seemed to have a maturing effect on her. She’s gone back to using Ray for her errand boy, just like in season 3. She still gives zero shits about anyone’s problems but her own. And she’s super annoyed by how her ex-husband is handling the divorce, because it’s about her after all.

The writing on Girls has been equal parts brilliant and frustrating throughout the series. But character development like Adam’s from season 1 to 2 have kept it interesting. I don’t know if Marnie is the result of a dropped ball in the writers’ room, or if she’s meant to be an example of how much some people are just truly awful. We all know jerks who never learn lessons, or who never learn to think beyond their own needs even when their friends are sinking. So maybe Marnie is just an asshole.

The Canyons: lower your expectations, even if they are already low.

December 14, 2015September 1, 2016Penni JonesLeave a comment

Warning: This review is lousy with spoilers, but it’s fine. You’re not going to watch this movie anyway.

First of all, let me say that I sometimes like Bret Easton Ellis’ work. Not always, but I get that he’s satirical and “post-empire” and when he’s not being a self-righteous d-bag, he actually has interesting commentary on society. So I hoped that his screenwriting would be a plus for this film.

Second, Paul Schrader directed The Canyons. Though his directing career hasn’t been epic, he wrote Taxi Driver and Raging Bull. So you’d think he had a handle on this film-making thing.

Third, if I don’t like something, I usually stay quiet out of respect for the artist’s vision and all that. And I know sometimes the story in your head doesn’t end up on paper so I try not to be overly critical. But I just can’t freaking help this one. The Canyons left me with a lot to get off my chest. Maybe because I went into it with the attitude that it couldn’t be that bad. Movies are rarely as awful as the critics claim. But it is that bad, you guys. It really is.

It's not porn because I only show my dong once. — **It’s not porn because he only shows his dong once.**

The first scene is painfully boring. It’s a conversation between two couples, Christian (James Deen) and Tara (Lindsay Lohan), and Ryan (Nolan Funk) and Gina (Amanda Brooks). Christian is a producer or something and has recently cast Ryan in a film as a favor to his assistant Gina since Ryan is Gina’s boyfriend. And because Tara insisted that Ryan was just perfect for the role. Whatever the hell that role is, or what the movie is, or any of that shit, no one knows because none of that seems to have anything to do with the plot. And this is the scene that sets up the entire film.

This opening snooze-fest conversation centers on Christian announcing to the table that he brings people over to watch him have sex with Tara, and to sometimes to have mini-orgies. Because that’s dinner conversation in the canyons, my friends. There’s lots of time on smartphones, then there’s a close up of a lime being squeezed into a cocktail.

**Opening scenes work best when both main characters spend most of it on their phones.**

Okay, so Tara is living with Christian who is a spoiled trust-fund baby wanna-be filmmaker who only dabbles in filmmaking to keep his dad off his back so he doesn’t lose his trust fund which allows him to live in ridiculous luxury and debauchery. I guess his dad is some sort of Pablo Escobar type figure. Because art.

We soon learn that Tara is doinking Ryan behind Christian’s back because they used to be in love but she couldn’t take being poor anymore. Bartending and going to auditions was just too taxing for her, so she moved in with a spoiled douchebag who sometimes makes her do it with other dudes and sometimes chicks, but hey, she doesn’t have to hold down a job.

Christian knows something is going on so he constantly interrogates Tara, then tells her he trusts her. And her hair extensions are TERRIBLE.

Then Christian tells a gay producer to tell Ryan his part will be recast unless he sleeps with him. Why? Not sure. I guess to see if Ryan swings both ways, or to see how desperate he is to keep his part. But that question is never really answered, because who really gives a shit by then?

Also, Tara (Lohan) sun bathes a lot but she is as pale as talcum powder. Do they make SPF 1000?

**This is how she spends her days. Every single worthless one.**

There are lots of shots of abandoned movie theaters. I’m sure it’s supposed to be some metaphor about how films have changed, and to justify Schrader’s Kickstarter campaign to get this festering turd made. But really the abandoned theaters can also be a metaphor for what happens when Lindsay Lohan and James Deen get top billing in movies.

At least they don't have to screen The Canyons. — **At least this place doesn’t have to screen The Canyons.**

This girl named Cynthia who Christian still has sex with sometimes confronts Tara to tell her that one time Christian roofied her and had her gang-raped on camera. So that’s why they still hang out, I guess. Also, Cynthia knows that Ryan and Tara used to date, but Christian does not.

It turns out that Cynthia’s story was a lie, because that’s super helpful for rape victims, you dumb bitch. And she did it because she wants Christian back, who really is a waste of resources. I mean, seriously, there’s a water shortage in California. Nobody should be sharing water with Christian.

And then there’s a four-way where Tara turns the power tables on Christian which is supposed to be erotic and important to story development but really it’s just kind of gross. Then we learn that Christian’s dad also requires him to go to therapy in order to keep his trust fund. His therapist is Gus Van Sant, because WHY NOT? So he tells Gus Van Sant that he didn’t enjoy losing his power during group sex. Boo hoo, pervert.

The disco lights let you know that it's about to get FREAKY! — **The disco lights let you know that it’s about to get FREAKY!**

Apparently, Christian’s a psychopath or some shit and really needs that therapy because he totally murders Cynthia for lying about him. He goes all stabby-style while she screams, “Christian, NO!” Then Ryan calls Cynthia right after it happens and Christian picks up and says, “I can’t believe what you did to her, dude.” So obviously Ryan drives straight to her house and leaves his mark on the crime scene, instead of doing something crazy like calling the police.

He always looks this confused. — **Ryan always looks this confused.**

Tara wants to leave Christian. He says she can as long as she provides him with an alibi for the time he spent murdering the yoga mistress. He also says that if she ever sees Ryan (“if you’re ever even in the same room with him again”) he’ll kill Ryan and get away with it. Because, you know, white rich privilege and all.

This dungpile ends with another boring dinner scene. This one with some rando actress telling Tara that she heard about her from Christian, but then she asks Tara how Christian is doing. Because that makes sense.

By this time, Tara is with some other dude and they just got back from Dubai, where Tara “shopped and laid out” like the slutty sloth she is.

So the rando chick goes to the bathroom at the restaurant and calls someone who we assume is Christian to give the Tara update, but is actually Ryan because the next shot is him staring hauntingly at the camera. Maybe not so much hauntingly as blankly as in “wait, what was I supposed to do here?”

The point it that two men are obsessed with Tara, a woman with bad extensions who chain smokes and shops all day. And really doesn’t seem to do anything else except lots of sexing.

The movie would have been better if instead of Christian murdering just Cynthia, he murdered everyone in the movie and then committed suicide. It would have been fine, because every single character was so underdeveloped that vapid seems to rich a word to describe them.

Never change, General Hospital!

October 23, 2015Penni Jones6 Comments

I’ve been watching General Hospital on and off for most of my life. This is not something I’m proud of, but it’s just part of who I am. You cannot imagine my relief when GH (yeah, I call it GH) was spared from the daytime soap chopping block at ABC.

I know it’s hard to understand why I’m loyal to a show with cheesy dialogue and far-fetched storylines. But these are the things I love about the show. It’s the purest form of escapist television.

On soap operas, ANYTHING can happen.

Currently on GH, mob hit man Jason Morgan was presumed dead not once, but TWICE! Then he was in a hit and run and his face was all smashed up and then repaired into super HAWT form and he has amnesia (there are two people on the show right now with amnesia-so rad). He’s going by the name of Jake, which is also the name of his son who was presumed dead but was recently found alive (on Cassadine island, natch). So now, we’re waiting on pins and needles to see if he finds out who he is before he marries Elizabeth, who knows who he really is but has always been in love with him and wanted him for her own and now she has him even if his pretty little brain is broken.

I don't know who I am, but I know how to screw on a silencer! — I don’t know who I am, but I know how to screw on a silencer!

They ain’t got to explain NOTHING.

Everybody’s rich somehow. There’s a mob element but we don’t really know what exactly they deal in. And assassins (like the above Jason) never go to jail, and if they do they get pardoned quickly through some magical technicality. The beauty is: it doesn’t have to make sense or be explained. Things move too fast around here for actual plot development!

I should be in jail for murdering Connie, but instead I'm boinking my daughter's boyfriend. Don't judge me! — I should be in jail for murdering Connie, but instead I’m boinking my daughter’s boyfriend. Don’t judge me!

Storyline recycling is the way of the walk.

I love to watch the storylines recycle every few years. Some things are obvious: One-night stands always result in a pregnancy. Pregnancies are never healthy and normal. Dead spouses always show up to weddings.

Oh nuts! Is that your dead wife? Rude much? — Oh nuts! Is that your dead wife in the doorway? I hope she brought a gift.

And a few things take longer to resurface. For example, Olivia got pregnant by mobster Julian Jerome after a one-night stand (these people DO NOT know about birth control), so she had Ned Quartermaine say the baby was his just like he did when Alexis Davis got pregnant with mobster Sonny Corinthos’s baby a decade or so back. It’s hard to remember exactly when that happened, because I think that kid should be about 10 but she’s about 20 because of SORAS (soap opera rapid aging syndrome, which is totally a thing).

Recast, recast, recast!

Recasts don’t always turn out great, but sometimes they are fantastic. The original Carly, Sarah Brown left to pursue her movie career after she was cast in Big Momma’s House 2 or something. A few Carly’s later, GH was happily settled in with Laura Wright. But Sarah wanted her job back and fans loved her. So…they recast Sarah as a mob princess. Things didn’t quite work out, but it was fun to see them be all “hey, why the hell not?” about the whole thing.

Stop calling me Carly, I'm Claudia now! — Stop calling me Carly, I’m Claudia now!

Don’t like this plot line? Freakin’ DROP IT!

Occasionally there were be a plotline so dumb, so pointless, that it just disappears with no explanation whatsoever. It’s like the writers are all “this crap ain’t working so let’s just forget about it and hope the viewers do, too”. I can’t explain why, but I admire the attitude that must go along with those actions.

I'm so glad they dropped that whole alcoholism thing so now I can successfully run my bar even though I never have customers. — I’m so glad they dropped that whole alcoholism thing so now I can successfully run my bar even though I never have customers.

Please, General Hospital, never change. Keep doing what you do and I’ll keep watching and talking to the TV like a crazy person.

I love Teen Titans Go!

October 19, 2015October 23, 2015Penni Jones4 Comments

I’m sure a lot of parents can relate. After a steady diet of Dora, Max & Ruby, and Team Umizoomi, a cartoon finally appears that doesn’t bore you into a coma and you realize that you can do this. You can watch TV with your kids without fantasizing about inserting your head into the nearest oven.

Not since Phineas and Ferb has a children’s show so captured my attention. Apparently there was a serious superhero show called Teen Titans way back in 2003. I didn’t watch that one because I was too busy not having children in 2003. Anyway, the same voices that brought us Teen Titans have added a Go! to the end and made it a comedy. And it’s oh so good.

It reminds me a lot of Community in that it’s an ensemble comedy and it’s not afraid to go ‘meta’ without warning. And like Phineas and Ferb, it has jokes that are funny to adults (immature adults like me, but whatever) without being raunchy.

My favorite character is Raven, a saucy half-demon who moves via hover.

My hair is an awesome black bob but you can't always see it because of this rad hood. — My hair is an awesome black bob but you can’t always see it because of this rad hood.

There is also Robin, of Batman fame. In Teen Titans Go! Robin fancies himself the leader. It’s nice to see him step out of Batman’s hulking shadow.

There is a cyborg named Cyborg who loves pizza and has a total bromance with Beast Boy, the green vegetarian shape shifter who is in love with Raven. I wonder what shape-shifting quarter-demon babies would be like?

And last but not least is Starfire, the cheerful alien princess who has a pet larvae thing named Silkie.

I'm pretty and I love gross things. — I’m pretty and I love gross things.

The millennials who were fans of the 2003 incarnation of the show have their knickers in a twist over this awesome show. There are all sorts of disparaging comments on the imdb board about how it’s not like the original. I have one thing to say to the generation that gave us Miley Cyrus: SUCK IT!