I recently discovered that we have Vevo. My time is being sucked down a rabbit hole full of Alice in Chains videos. I’ve crawled out to catch up with my Goats (I’m trying out nicknames for my readers. I figured Goats is preferable to Cows. Thoughts?).
I learned two days ago that Gloria Vanderbilt is Anderson Cooper’s mom. The fact that I didn’t know this completely strips me of my pop culture professor title. And as a dear friend pointed out last night, I’ve also lost points from the gays. I promise to work even harder to regain your trust.
We’re still playing ‘is he or isn’t he a he’ with Bruce Jenner’s rumored sex change. The Daily Mail has reported that Bruce has selected the name ‘Bridgitte’ as his lady name. Anyone who reads the Daily Mail knows that it’s slightly more accurate than interpreting your dog’s poo for news. So maybe he’s a Bruce and maybe he’s a Bridgitte. Either way, he or she stopped being relevant in or around 1986.
The third season of ‘Girls’ just finished, and I’m not feeling too optimistic about the future. At least half of the season was spent on the friends infighting. I know that young women can be catty and mean, but these chicks are horrible to each other. None of them wants any of the others to enjoy a shred of happiness. It’s a collective of miserable people, and the parts that made it funny have disappeared. My vote for funniest grungy chick friends show has been shifted to ‘Broad City’. I hope ‘Girls’ can recapture the honesty and humor that made it a great show in the first season. But I’m not sure if I can stick around long enough to find out. Who am I kidding? I’ll give it another season.
The Lindsay Lohan documentary series (or as I like to call it, ‘The Show About That Girl We Stopped Caring About Five Years Ago’) on the OWN Network has experienced a ratings drop. It’s been beat out by ‘SpongeBob Square Pants’ (that’s not a joke). I haven’t watched the Lindsay show, but my friend Melodie has. Here’s what she had to say: ‘From now on I’m going to pretend it’s called LINDSAY! and not boring old LINDSAY like it really is. If anything needs the added pizzazz of an exclamation point it’s a show where you just watch a Troubled Starlet sift through her storage containers and pretend to be inspired by meditation cards.’
Thanks for catching up with me. I have to go now. Vevo has a selection of Hole videos that are calling my name.
Jenny McCarthy has been at the center of the vaccine controversy for years now. The criticism directed toward her is growing as childhood diseases spread as a natural response to kids not being vaccinated. McCarthy is not the first and only anti-vaccine celebrity. She’s just perhaps the most outspoken.
When she went on Oprah in 2007 to explain and defend her stance on the vaccine and autism link, I watched, terrified and riveted. What I saw was a mother who passionately believed that the MMR vaccine injected into her son caused him to develop autism. She was trying to warn parents of the dangers of vaccines, and she was pushing for the medical community to develop safer vaccines.
With my baby in my arms, I wondered if she could be right. So I researched. I spoke with my child’s pediatrician. I researched some more. I eventually delayed the MMR shot for my son. It wasn’t long until Dr. Andrew Wakefield’s study, where McCarthy gathered a lot of her information, was debunked and Dr. Wakefield lost his medical license. To me, the safest option was to vaccinate.
If parents choose only take Jenny McCarthy’s word for it and are too irresponsible to gather research their own, it is the fault of those parents. Jenny McCarthy is an actress, activist, former Playboy bunny, author, and mother. She is NOT a doctor or a scientist. She is not responsible for how anyone cares for their own children.
Jenny McCarthy may be misguided and outspoken, but it’s wrong to blame her for the spread of childhood diseases.
PRO: Lupita Nyong’o is perfect. Her dress, her hair, her speech. Impeccable. Never change, Lupita.
CON: Everyone was obviously stoned. That’s what happens when you don’t serve alcohol. Either that or the teleprompters were written in hieroglyphics.
PRO/CON: One of the highlights of the night was Idina Menzel’s performance of “Let It Go”. We must all get past John Travolta introducing her as something like “Adela Dazeem”. We get it John Travolta, you’re so heterosexual you don’t even know Idina Menzel’s name. You guys know that I’m suffering from emotional dry-rot, but I can’t watch her performance without getting weepy. I’ve tried three times already.
PRO: If we ignore Angelina Jolie’s bitchy resting face, she was fabulous last night. Her super slow walk with Sidney Poitier ended in a beautiful speech that made her appear human instead of the fem-bot we’ve grown to accept.
CON: Julia Roberts’ lace doily dress. And Tyson Beckford calling her “Jessica Roberts” on the red carpet.
PRO: Ellen Degeneres did an excellent job hosting. I really hoped she would reprise Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs”, and she spent a lot of time wandering around in the audience. But otherwise she was great.
CON: Amy Adams didn’t win best actress. She should always win everything.
PRO: “12 Years a Slave” won best picture. We are constantly reminded in our culture to “never forget” when it comes to tragedies such as 9/11. And we shouldn’t. But we also need to stop burying this part of our collective history. If “Wolf of Wall Street” had won instead, I think we all would have lost faith in humanity.
Dear Zooey Deschanel’s Bangs:
You’re an integral part of the lovely Zooey Deschanel’s style. You helped her attain the newly made-up status called “adorkable”. But I’m not buying it, bangs. I know what you’re up to. You have something much more nefarious going on.
What I’m saying here Zooey Deschanel’s bangs, is that you are very aggressive and confrontational in your presentation. And it’s because you are evil to your very core.
Apparently Zooey Deschanel is gluten-free vegan. So she lives off of lettuce and celery stalks. Here’s where you come in, bangs. While Zooey sleeps, you devour small animals such as hamsters, squirrels, or an occasional rabbit, therefore sustaining Miss Adorkable so she doesn’t die from lack of protein. You spit out the bones and every morning Zooey sees the bones but she lets it go. Know why? Because she’s afraid of you, bangs. If she confronts you, you’re going to eat her face.
I get it: you have a job to do. But your cover is blown, bangs. Get lost.
Scapegoats and Sacred Cows
There’s been a lot of talk about Miley Cyrus’s performance at the VMA’s. I didn’t watch the VMA’s, but I’ve seen clips of the performance. True- it was tacky. But where is all this shock coming from?
Our culture teaches young girl that sexual objectification is a rite of passage. Take a young woman who has been exploited for almost her entire life by the entertainment machine. She’s ready to assert herself as an adult. What did we expect?
Until we’re ready to say ‘no’ to exploitation of children by stage parents, to stop accepting Hollywood’s push that the perfect woman has to be a size 2 woman with DD breasts, stop buying magazines that tell women how to have better sex (you can’t be doing it right or you wouldn’t have relationship issues), and to stop telling girls/women that they are not acceptable until they are ‘worth’ objectifying, this kind of thing will happen.
I don’t get what the big deal is, really. What’s the difference in this and Madonna writhing around in a short wedding dress to ‘Like a Virgin’ all those years ago? We’ve seen countless pop stars in lingerie, lip-synching as she touches herself in front a cheering crowd. This is not something new, or really all that shocking.
Hopefully, Miley will grow up and realize she’s worthy without getting nearly naked. Some women never get it (looking at you, Madonna- put on some pants already). Artistry shouldn’t mean displaying yourself as a sex object in front of the world. But this how Miley Cyrus chose to express herself. We can’t judge her, we created her.
So sorry I haven’t been around lately. I’m addicted to Twitter. It’s ugly, y’all. I wonder if Twitter addicts should be called twats for short? That and I’ve been working on my friggin’ masterpiece, no big deal. And of course, it’s summertime (stands up and drops it like it’s hot, because it’s finally hot).
Let’s catch up on current events, shall we?
Madonna still isn’t wearing pants. Pretty soon we’ll be able to see her Depends under that leotard. Come on lady, put on some drawers! Sure, you’re in great shape. But the time for wearing only a leotard and tights in public passes once you hit double digits. If you’re old enough to menstruate, you should wear pants. This goes double if you’re old enough for menopause.
And speaking of adult diapers, what was Miley Cyrus wearing on GMA Wednesday morning? Seriously, it looked like a giant fuzzy diaper and KISS boots. We get it, you’re edgy. You can still have fashion sense and be edgy, Hannah Montana. Excuse me, Ms. Montana.
Speaking of sad children. North West. Really? Only this country’s two biggest narcissists would think this name is good idea. I really hope they’re just punking the press. This kid is already facing a life of therapy, rehab, reality TV crews, and paparazzi. Why add to that shit storm with a ridiculous name? Why do those two do anything, though? Maybe their egos will collide, explode, and kill each other (fingers crossed).
As for stuff that isn’t stupid: it’s a great day for equality. Divorces are for everyone! For real, it’s up to each individual to decide what’s right for him/her. It’s just common sense and common courtesy. I feel so happy. You could say I feel…gay.
I mean it this time. I can only take so much. I’ve always been in the background cheering for you, waiting for you to get it together and be the star we all know you can be. No, the star you should be. But this time, honey, I’m done. I’ve put with at least thirty-two arrests, all those coke-snorting pictures on the Internet, you insisting you should be allowed to take Adderall in rehab even though you should actually be in jail and not in rehab at all, I Know Who Killed Me (that broke my heart, Lindsay), and Liz & Dick which was supposed to be your comeback but instead it was a steaming pile of Lifetime shit. But none of that pushed me to turn away from you.
Let me tell you why I’m so upset, Linds. I was in New York with my friend Jesse last weekend and we popped into a Russian piano bar for a quick cocktail before our reservation at Lucky Cheng’s. I ordered what was advertised as your signature cocktail. It was vodka, blackberry puree, and some liqueur that tasted like a dandelion’s anus. Perhaps you haven’t given your permission and have never even had this terrible flowery stomach-rot. But it’s just too easy to picture you enthusiastically throwing your name onto this disgusting purple concoction just because the owner probably complimented you on your boobs and gave you a free bowl of canned mushrooms with a side of oyster crackers.
It’s clear that now is the time for us to go our separate ways. If I give up now I won’t have any more of these bullshit comeback blue balls to deal with, and I definitely won’t end up drinking any more thick, purple things with flower extracts. Well, the last part is probably not true. But I won’t be able to blame you and let’s face it, Lindsay, you have a lot on your plate right now.
The only reason the Academy Awards boss people (who are those people anyway? Captain Stubing , Benson, and Harvey Weinstein? That’s my guess.) hired Seth MacFarlane is because they wanted some degree of controversy. I’m a feminist, and I did not find the We Saw Your Boobs song offensive. Here’s why: we did see all their boobs. And the song was funny. And people like boobs.
It wasn’t offensive or rude. It was about boobs.
Lena Dunham has spoken out via twitter. Really Lena Dunham? You show your boobs every five minutes. I like you, but let’s not get self-righteous about boobs or offensive comedy. That’s why I like you. You’re not afraid to say offensive things or show your boobs even though they’re not surgically enhanced.
Jane Fonda is offended because MacFarlane should have sang about penises instead. She said something like why not list all the places where people have shown their penises. Really Jane, I don’t think that would have made a good song. But look, Barbarella. Your indignation is dually noted.
The list of commentators and celebrities who are jumping on the pouting bandwagon grows daily. Gloria Allred has added her name to the list just in case a lawsuit comes about I guess, and there have been articles all over the place about misogyny and women’s roles in Hollywood.
It’s just boobs, people. Get over it. Boobs.