Reality, sitcom, or soap opera: your ideal lifestyle revisited

It’s been two whole years since I posted reality, sitcom, or soap opera: what’s your ideal lifestyle? A lot has changed since then. Kim Kardashian has a baby to market, Ashton Kutcher is the new Charlie Sheen, and ABC is down to only one soap opera. It’s time to revisit with an updated lifestyle quiz to see how you have changed with the times. In case you didn’t keep up with your scores from last time (why wouldn’t you have?) here’s the link so you can do it again.

1. You have a new crush! What do you do?
a. Have your agent call his/her agent and arrange a date. So romantic!
b. Invite your potential paramour over for a drink, then spill something on his shirt. Do the whole “you’ll have to take that off so I can wash it” bit. He’ll never see it coming!
c. Murder his wife. That’s amore!

2. You lost your job. What’s the best course of action?
a. Arrange a series of public sightings. Be stumbling drunk every time and try to work in at least one crotch shot.
b. Drink and cry, then send your former boss a horrible e-mail that you never intended to send but you forgot to hit delete. Celebrate the restraining order by sleeping with your sexy neighbor.
c. Form a new company overnight and let your new company eat your old company. That’ll teach them.

3. Oh, no! You had a heart attack. What should you do?
a. Cue the cameras and try to work in a crotch shot.
b. “Why is this freeloader living in my house?” (cue laugh track)
c. No worries. It was a fake heart attack so your wife won’t divorce you and marry your son.

4. You want to be an author, so you:
a. Call your agent and arrange for a ghostwriter to tell your story the way only you can.
b. Keep lots of hand-scrawled notes everywhere and bartend (you guys- I just described my 20’s).
c. Write a book and you’ll be a star in the next episode. There’s no time for revision in the soap world.

5. Your next door neighbor keeps letting his dog poo on your lawn. How do you handle it?
a. “You guys, the Bentley’s out of gas. I don’t know what to do.”
b. Go to his house to confront him, only to learn that he’s really hot. The next several episodes will play off of your sexual tension and dog poo.
c. Since he’s already banging your wife, you shoot him.

6. How did you find out that you’re not barren?
a. Oopsy, there’s a rapper’s baby in your uterus. Guess that means he’s half-Jesus!
b. Oopsy, there’s a waiter’s baby in your uterus. The waiter is a decade younger than you and oh so attractive. The next season will play off of your sexual tension and pregnancy hemorrhoids.
c. Oopsy, your brother-in-law’s baby is in your uterus. Fortunately, your sister is in a coma so you don’t have to tell her that her husband is a philanderer. But you will have to tell your husband. Unless you can pass the baby off of as his. Good luck!

7. You’re getting a divorce. How do you handle it?
a. Cry to your mom about it in the back of a limo. Don’t bother to pretend it’s real. Nobody expected better out of you.
b. Laugh and cry, and then your ex will become your roommate. You guys will have a blast navigating the dating world together. Oh, the shenanigans!
c. Fake a pregnancy to keep your husband around. When you find out that he impregnated his much younger secretary, try to murder her. After your short stint in the psych ward, you’ll be good as new and ready to date again.

8. Your mom is driving you crazy! What should you do?
a. Fire her. You can get a new agent somewhere else.
b. Let her move in with you. Oh, the shenanigans!
c. Murder her and make it look like a suicide. Then you can take over her empire and steal all her meds.

9. Your house burned to the ground. Why?
a. To boost the ratings.
b. You caught the kitchen on fire while trying to make toast. You and those shenanigans!
c. Because Duke slept with Bianca.

10. You’re leaving after a one-night stand. Do you:
a. Make her sign something stating that she’ll never tell anyone about it, even though you kind of hope she brags about your prowess to the media just so you can deny it later.
b. Grab the wrong clothes but don’t notice it until later that day and you really have to get your favorite jeans back. So you make your friend pretend to be a pizza delivery driver so he can sneak in for you. Perfect plan!
c. Realize later that day that you just slept with your brother’s wife’s brother who just happens to be a priest. Whoops!

You chose mostly a’s: Your handlers won’t tell you this, but you’re just an idiot with extensions and implants.
You chose mostly b’s: You know better than anyone that friends are what holds your world together. Plus sexual tension, falling down, and dirty jokes that miss the mark but you just keeping trying! Boobs!
You chose mostly c’s: Enjoy today, because tomorrow you might be cancelled and teaching acting at a community college in Akron. In the meantime, get pregnant by your step-dad and burn down the hospital so they can’t reveal the DNA results to your mom or husband.

Cat lady, alcoholic, or celebrity stalker? Take this fun, flirty quiz to pinpoint your personality!

1. How do you like to wake up in the morning?

a.  With a little purrfect love! Give me a kitty snuggle and kiss any day of the week. Honestly, it’s probably the only affection I’ll get all day unless I can trick the janitor at work into bumping into my ass again.

b.  Nothing gets me going like the detox shakes. Better than Folgers, baby!

c.  Brangelina’s body guard’s bulging biceps cradling me as he lifts me gently out of the bushes. Swoon!


2. What’s your go-to outfit?

a.  Nothing says ‘this is me’ like my cat face sweatshirt. Plus, it makes me happy all day. Who cares if it smells and has questionable stains?

b.  It used to be anything with my Rock & Republic jeans, but I left them somewhere last weekend. I guess I took a cab home with no pants. Good thing I wore panties that night (I hope)!

c.  Anything from my Celine Dion collection. People say we look just alike. I even sign my checks with her name sometimes. No one ever notices because normal, unfamous people are stupid.


3. You find yourself home alone and bored on a Friday night. What should you do?

a.   Dress up the kitties for an impromptu wedding. Mr. Whitey Paws and Creamsicle were made for each other. Break out the camera and the sparkling cider!

b.  Enjoy my solitude. Put on my PJ’s, pop in a movie, and cook some Pizza Rolls. The fifth of vodka in the cabinet isn’t going to drink itself!

c.   Kim Kardashian is never home on Friday nights. Time to break in and steal her socks!


4.  Do you drink alone?

a.   No way! I have a white Russian while Twinkle Toes has a bowl of milk. That’s how we do date night at our house.

b.   I’m not alone if I’m on Facebook.

c.  I don’t drink at all. Alcohol interferes with my anti-psychotics.


5. What’s your ideal date?

a.    Two words: cat circus! Complete with trapeze and tiny leotards. What a riot!

b.    It’s important that a date start with a drink. You know, so we can relax and get to know one another. Then we should continue drinking so we can have fun. An ideal date will also end with drinks, and maybe some saltines or peanuts somewhere in there so I don’t puke.

c.     Setting up camp outside of Lindsey Lohan’s house. I’ve heard if you catch her when she’s wasted enough, she’ll invite you in for Dorito’s and cigarettes.


Mostly a’s: Congratulations! A cat will never stab you in the back like that bitch best friend you had in high school. So what if she was the last human friend you ever had? Who needs people when your house is overrun with felines and fur? This lifestyle is for you and you wear it well!

Mostly b’s: Alcoholism is not for the faint of heart or for the weak of bowel, but you can handle it! Just be warned: interventions are all the rage these days, and you really don’t want all your friends and family in the same room. Take my advice and hide your habit like a dirty bastard child!

Mostly c’s: Put on some make-up and visit the networks. Get your pitch ready for the next big reality show: Stalkers of the Rich and Famous. It’s what you were made for, baby. And once you’re a Z-list celebrity, you’ll have stalkers of your own.

Mixture of all 3: Welcome to my world. Stay out of my way.

Quiz Weiners

Happy Easter! Sorry it took me so long to post the quiz results. It was really difficult to decide who won since there were a buttload of fantastic answers, and I really didn’t think of a grading scale before I posted the thing.

I intended to declare one winner, but the task was impossible. There had to be two, and a few other folks included in the highlights reel below.

Congratulations to the winners, two curly-haired white men: Rodney Bailey and Larry Bridge.

Giveaway Quiz:

1) You can only watch one movie for the rest of the entire year. What’s your genre choice?
a. Romantic comedy
b. Bloody thriller
c. Historical drama
d. 80’s style horror

Kristen Hildebrand said: d. The worst, cheesiest, baddest horror you can find. Odds are, I’ve already seen it.
Lisa Hayes said: A Romantic comedy historical drama
Larry Bridge said: b. Bloody thriller, with a great soundtrack

B or D are the acceptable answers, or any combination of genres because I like genre-crossing.

2) Who’s with you on your deserted island?
a. Henry Rollins
b. Wyclef Jean
c. Johnny Depp
d. Rachel McAdams

Kim Bridge said: since you didn’t specify only one answer per question, I’m going with a. AND b.

Kim was awarded 32 points for this answer. I really don’t think I need to explain why.

3) What would be your last meal before meeting your stir-fried death in the electric chair?
a. Ice cream
b. Surf & turf
c. Tuna nicoise
d. Cheeseburger

Caroline Altomare’s answer: d. From a place we have found here in Houston…they are to die for (get it? hahahaha)

Caroline was awarded 5 points for her answer, plus 22 bonus points for making me laugh.

4) Who’s your favorite gasbag?
a. Nancy Grace
b. Rush Limbaugh
c. Howard Stern
d. Rosie O’Donnell

Kim Bridge said: Since I have my own gasbag, can I go off the board?

Kim was awarded 92 points for living with Larry.

5) Who would be the best US President?
a. John Stewart
b. Chuck Norris
c. Mike Huckabee
d. Hilary Clinton

Overwhelming response for Stewart. These are my people! (There were a few votes for other people but I ignored them because I can.)

6) Bad news: your house is burning to the ground. Good news: your family & pets are safe outside. You can grab one material possession. What’s it going to be?

EJ Older said: kindle
Lisa Hayes said: My ’62 reissue Telecaster guitar (it was my first purchase with money earned from my first record deal)
Larry Bridge said: Obviously my autographed copy of The Utopia of Noah Lazarus
Rodney Bailey said: iPhone: Call 911. Order Chinese. Watch Tenenbaums while they snuff the fire.

EJ earned 23 points for reading my mind. Lisa earned 52 points for the coolest answer. Larry earned 37 points for ass-kissing and Rodney earned 103 points for best answer on the entire quiz.

7) Gloria Allred: activist or opportunist?

Karen Slagell said: Who?
Lisa Hayes said: Activist – a girl’s gotta make a livin’!
Kim Bridge said: Actively Opportunistic, I’d say.

When I posted this question, I wasn’t sure what my own answer would be. Lisa Hayes earned 25 points for making me say, ‘You know what? You’re right.’

8) Ann Coulter: succubus or she-devil?

Kim Bridge said: She-devil sounds sexier
Rodney Bailey said: Succu-devil

Kim earned 37 points for strategic placement of the word sexier, and Rodney earned 41 points for combining the answers into one, super-evil answer.

9) Would you like fries with that?

Kim Bridge said: But of course mon cher. (French? French Fries? Extra Points, Oui Oui?)

Extra points indeed! 16 extra points to be exact. Bien!

10) Who’s your favorite Baldwin?

Ashlee McCaskill said: Alec is the only one that can get away with pudgy
Larry Bridge said: Tammy Baldwin of Wisconsin
Rodney Bailey said: On 30 Rock, host of the NY Philharmonic, and when it comes to dealing with teenagers ain’t afraid to go honey badger? Alec, baby.

Larry earned 34 points for his completely original answer. Rodney earned 28 extra points for detailing his support for Alec, and kind of making me thinking Alec should run for president.

Bonus question:
If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

Karen Slagell said: Wink wink nudge nudge
Ashlee McCaskill said: of course darling
Kim Bridge said: Is that allowed in your home state?
Larry Bridge said: How dare you, I’m married!!

Rodney and Larry tied with final scores of 382. No, I’m not showing my math and you can’t make me.

Thanks for all the submissions. I had a fairly craptastic week, and the free entertainment helped me through.

I hope your Easter is full of eggs, both deviled and chocolate, but not chocolate-deviled because that would be nasty. xo

Lifestyle quiz

Reality, sitcom, or soap opera: what’s your ideal lifestyle?
Not sure what kind of life you want? Take this extremely accurate quiz and you’ll have it all figured out!

1. When your introduce yourself, you:
a. Give your name, your professional background, and number of sex tapes you’ve accidentally starred in.
b. Give your name, but add something fun and quirky for your middle name. Something like ‘Danger’, ‘Booty Shakes’, or ‘Muffin Mama’. After that, trip over a chair and fall down.
c. Give a fake name. You didn’t have your face replaced and finger prints removed for nothing.

2. Someone’s at the door. What do you do?
a. Cue dramatic music as all five of your tiny dogs follow you to answer it.
b. Yell ‘come in’! It’s always a friend, after all, and he or she will most likely fall down on the way in. Laughter all around!
c. Wait for the doorman or maid to get it. You didn’t bust your ass for six months at that ambiguous business venture to open your own door.

3. Oh no! You had too much to drink last night. Today you will:
a. Lay around in your designer jammies and giant sunglasses. Don’t forget the Uggs!
b. Rehash the entire night with your friends and laugh about your shenanigans. Then trip over an empty wine bottle and fall down.
c. Throw that crystal decanter straight in the garbage and head to rehab. You’re obviously an alcoholic.

4. You want to be a singer, but you don’t have any talent. What’s the best way to handle it?
a. Who needs talent when you have boobs? Cut an album immediately! Make a sexy video to go with it. No one wants to watch a girl sing if she’s wearing clothes.
b. Sing and dance like a drunken idiot. We’ll all laugh with you and some cute guy will find your awkwardness attractive. Don’t forget to fall down!
c. “Get the hell out of my life, Rafe! I know you slept with my sister.”

5. You’ve been dumped!
a. Call the camera crew! Look directly at the cameras, show everyone those forced tears and talk about how strong you are.
b. Sit in bed, cry and wait. Lots of friends will show up with booze and chocolate. You’ll all cry and laugh about your romantic missteps. Then you’ll realize friendship is the most important thing of all. Awwww!
c. Try to kill the bastard who broke your heart. Get arrested, then go to a psychiatric hospital for a couple of weeks. You’ll be as good as new in no time, and he’ll beg you back!

6. And why did he dump you?
a. You’re an egotistical asshole who wears way too much make-up.
b. You can’t pay your rent, but somehow afford new dresses and shoes.
c. He found out that you’re his sister. Oopsy!

7. You have a new crush! Who is the lucky guy?
a. “Does this DUI make my butt look big?”
b. Your boss! What will you do? This is the worst thing that could ever happen!
c. Your stepdad- awkward!

8. How many kids do you want?
a. The more the better: You have to build your empire. It’s best to start young so you can be a fun mom who your kids will consider a friend.
b. Two or three, and you can’t wait to see what kind of trouble those little scamps get in to.
c. You’ll start with one. More will pop up over the years. You donated a lot of eggs when you were in college, and you had that bought of amnesia in the mid-90’s. Who knows how many babies you popped out during those days?

9. Great news! You’re in labor.
a. Call the camera crew. That baby will start bringing in money with its entrance into the world. So what if you have to show everyone your laboring vadge? Crotch shots are nothing new for you!
b. Oh no! You’ve lost your car keys and your phone. Your eccentric neighbor will have to take you to the hospital after you give birth in the back seat of his Impala. It will be hilarious!
c. Make sure your hair and make-up are perfect. Don’t worry: the baby will come out perfectly clean and will be in Kindergarten next week.

10. You have a terrible disease! What should you do?
a. Chronicle the entire thing on tape. Include the country in your misery!
b. Make out with the hot doctor and tell your friends. What fun is a disease if it doesn’t help you meet guys?
c. Race to death’s door. After a brief visit to Heaven, you’ll be back on earth and a healthy jerk once again!

You chose mostly a’s: You’re a narcissistic loser. Get ready to sell your soul and complain about the intrusion of your privacy. You’ll have loads of cash to keep you warm once your self-respect is gone.

You chose mostly b’s: Life’s a gas, you silly little slut! Let’s be friends! I love a good laugh track.

You chose mostly c’s: The world is your oyster because you’re a delusional nut-job! Have fun, Crazy McPscyho- no one can take away your mansion and illegitimate children, because they’re all in your head. Count your imaginary billions and wear a ball gown to the grocery store.