SGSC Oscar Wrap-Up

PRO: Lupita Nyong’o is perfect. Her dress, her hair, her speech. Impeccable. Never change, Lupita.

CON: Everyone was obviously stoned. That’s what happens when you don’t serve alcohol. Either that or the teleprompters were written in hieroglyphics.

PRO/CON: One of the highlights of the night was Idina Menzel’s performance of “Let It Go”. We must all get past John Travolta introducing her as something like “Adela Dazeem”. We get it John Travolta, you’re so heterosexual you don’t even know Idina Menzel’s name. You guys know that I’m suffering from emotional dry-rot, but I can’t watch her performance without getting weepy. I’ve tried three times already.

PRO: If we ignore Angelina Jolie’s bitchy resting face, she was fabulous last night. Her super slow walk with Sidney Poitier ended in a beautiful speech that made her appear human instead of the fem-bot we’ve grown to accept.

CON: Julia Roberts’ lace doily dress. And Tyson Beckford calling her “Jessica Roberts” on the red carpet.

PRO: Ellen Degeneres did an excellent job hosting. I really hoped she would reprise Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs”, and she spent a lot of time wandering around in the audience. But otherwise she was great.

CON: Amy Adams didn’t win best actress. She should always win everything.

PRO: “12 Years a Slave” won best picture.  We are constantly reminded in our culture to “never forget” when it comes to tragedies such as 9/11. And we shouldn’t. But we also need to stop burying this part of our collective history. If “Wolf of Wall Street” had won instead, I think we all would have lost faith in humanity.

What did we learn this year?

  1. America gets a boner for jerk-faces. Every time a celebrity or pseudo-celebrity does something jerky, all forms of social media blow up with everybody spewing their take on it. Simmer down, folks. It’s called a publicity stunt. And you fell for it again.
  2. Miley’s butt and tongue have too much power. They railroaded the news too many times this year. I’m sick of her butt. I don’t mean that figuratively.
  3. Kim Kardashian’s uterus has more pull with the media than social issues. You know, those issues like poverty and oppression. Way to go, Kardiuterus. Maybe you can use some of that power to help people instead of buying cars that cost more than mini-mansions.
  4. Apparently I was wrong this entire time about Simon Cowell being in the closet. Or was I? Maybe I got too close to the truth and he had to knock up some chick to throw me off the trail.
  5. It’s best not to be anywhere near Danny McBride when the apocalypse comes. He’ll drink all the water and then try to murder you. Not to mention what he’ll do to your magazines. Oops- should have said ‘spoiler alert’.
  6. Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams should be in every movie.
  7. Chris Brown is still a douchebag. Can we please stop giving him publicity? Oh shit. Did I just become part of the problem?
  8. Jesus would not want people to have healthcare. It’s true. Just ask Fox News. I think the Bible verse goes, “Only help people who have enough money to take care of themselves. If they’re poor deadbeats, they’re totally supposed to die.” (I made that verse up.)
  9. People love Date-rapey songs by children of 80’s sitcom stars. Especially if there is a Beetlejuice suit involved.
  10. Justin Beiber is still holding off puberty but can’t find a shirt that stays on or pants that stay up. You know what they say: fountain of youth on one hand, clothes that fall off on the other.