Katherine Heigl is still getting jobs

Katherine Heigl is set to return to the small screen soon. That’s great news for all 7 people who enjoy seeing her face every week. In celebration of her return, let’s talk about some of her films.

  1. Knocked-Up (2007): Though Heigl had made several movies before this one, Knocked-Up really catapulted her career in a way no other film ever had. As a sign of respect for the movie’s writer and director Judd Apatow, Heigl bad-mouthed the film, stating that it painted women as uptight, humorless shrews. The irony is that her statements made her appear to be an uptight, humorless shrew.
  2. My Father the Hero (1994): Heigl plays a teenager on vacation with her father (Gerard Depardieu). She’s trying to impress a boy, so she pretends her father is her lover. As if that’s not creepy enough, her father actually goes along with it to make her happy. The daughter eventually accuses the father of being a pedophile. I didn’t make that up.
  3. 27 Dresses (2008): This rom-com is apparently a girl who has been a bridesmaid a bunch of times. I think she’s also a hoarder who eventually buries herself under a mound of dresses and suffocates. I’m not sure if that’s completely true because I haven’t seen that piece of bullshit cinema and if you try to make me I’ll stab you in the ear.
  4. Life As We Know It (2010): Heigl plays opposite Josh Duhamel in this gem about two people who hate each other (of course) and are left in charge of a baby when both parents die. They move in together to share the responsibility. I saw about fifteen minutes of it on TV. Duhamel plays a lazy slacker while Heigl plays an uptight, humorless shrew.
  5. Zyzzyx Road (2006): In this film, Heigl plays a sexy lady who picks up an old dude and then her ex-boyfriend (Tom Sizemore–not kidding) finds them and tries to murder them or something. Never heard of it? NO ONE HAS.

I wish Katherine Heigl all the best on her new show. Maybe this time she won’t crap all over her opportunity, and actually be grateful that people keep giving her chances.