What did we learn this year?

  1. America gets a boner for jerk-faces. Every time a celebrity or pseudo-celebrity does something jerky, all forms of social media blow up with everybody spewing their take on it. Simmer down, folks. It’s called a publicity stunt. And you fell for it again.
  2. Miley’s butt and tongue have too much power. They railroaded the news too many times this year. I’m sick of her butt. I don’t mean that figuratively.
  3. Kim Kardashian’s uterus has more pull with the media than social issues. You know, those issues like poverty and oppression. Way to go, Kardiuterus. Maybe you can use some of that power to help people instead of buying cars that cost more than mini-mansions.
  4. Apparently I was wrong this entire time about Simon Cowell being in the closet. Or was I? Maybe I got too close to the truth and he had to knock up some chick to throw me off the trail.
  5. It’s best not to be anywhere near Danny McBride when the apocalypse comes. He’ll drink all the water and then try to murder you. Not to mention what he’ll do to your magazines. Oops- should have said ‘spoiler alert’.
  6. Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams should be in every movie.
  7. Chris Brown is still a douchebag. Can we please stop giving him publicity? Oh shit. Did I just become part of the problem?
  8. Jesus would not want people to have healthcare. It’s true. Just ask Fox News. I think the Bible verse goes, “Only help people who have enough money to take care of themselves. If they’re poor deadbeats, they’re totally supposed to die.” (I made that verse up.)
  9. People love Date-rapey songs by children of 80’s sitcom stars. Especially if there is a Beetlejuice suit involved.
  10. Justin Beiber is still holding off puberty but can’t find a shirt that stays on or pants that stay up. You know what they say: fountain of youth on one hand, clothes that fall off on the other.