In case you’re wondering what to get me for Christmas, here are ten things I do NOT want in no particular order:

Another baby. After two, those things are just redundant.

A Pandora bracelet. I don’t want one, stop asking. I don’t have any interests worth commemorating with a charm I’ll wear on my wrist.

Those toe-spready barefoot shoes.

Shoes that are supposed to make your butt higher but really they’re just platform tennis shoes.

Perfume, because it’s Satan’s pee and gives me a headache.

Bread products. For a reason why see this post.

Patchwork anything.

Sports memorabilia. Not buying from any team will do.

Taylor Swift’s new album. Or any of her old albums.

Espadrilles (I feel like this list is a little shoe-heavy. Is it too shoe-heavy?) because they’re dumb and will most likely make me fall down.

I hope this list is helpful. If you’re stuck for something, go with a Trapper Keeper or something equally rad.