Apple: With an ample bust and skinnier legs, a short wrap dress may be your best look.

Pear: Your hips don’t lie, that’s for sure! Try drawing attention to your top with bright blouses, a deep neckline, and that perfect necklace.

Violin: Commonly recognized as a deformity of the hips, cover your multiple lumps with a circle skirt, or perhaps a dense tutu for ultimate coverage.

Teddy Bear: Bulbous ears and an intensely huggable tummy can only be embraced. Whenever you find a fun item that fits and doesn’t catch on your fur, buy it and enjoy! Celebrate who you are – What you look like does not define you.

Kate Upton*: At 5’10” and 144lbs, your BMI is 20.7. Although this falls into the middle of the normal range, it’s time to take your body seriously. You are a fat monster and no one will love you at a size 8.

*There is an exception for the actual Kate Upton who is gorgeous and one of just two models to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated two years in a row.  

Shampoo Bottle: Varies by brand. Look for clothing items made for various bottle shapes.

Matchstick: Also known as “Spoon Shaped,” you have a lovely head on top of a barely distinguishable, frail body. You hardly take up any space at all, like an Olsen Twin! Almost any outfit will look amazing on you. Congratulations!

Ethereal: You have less of a “body” and more of a “being.” Flatter your swirling, pangendered Omega aura with a peasant skirt or just glitter.

Human Shaped: Varies by person. Look for clothing items made for humans

Jenna Brand is a wife, mother, and investment banking news aggregator. She was molded from the shores of Paradise Island and posts pictures of her pretty quilts here.