Last week John Mayer went on the Today show to tell the world that he is a “recovered ego addict”. Does this mean he’s not the giant douche that we all thought he was? Of course! Just like Tiger Woods with his sex addiction that made him poke every Denny’s waitress across the Midwest, John has a problem that got a little out of hand. What can we learn from John’s brave declaration?

• Praise is poison and it makes you act like a frat-boy assclown. Only hang out with people who tell you how much you suck. Added bonus if the friends also tell you your butt looks huge in those pants.
• Talent makes you an asshole. It’s best to be really, really bad at stuff. Mediocrity should be your highest goal.
• No matter how horrible you behave, if you put the word “addiction” with another word, the media will call you “troubled” instead of “narcissistic”.
• Katy Perry’s boobs are magical enough to make someone seek help.
• Calling your own penis a racist is a side-effect of ego-addiction, not a side-effect of douchebaggery.
• Making up a justification for bad behavior doesn’t make you a bad person, but being a smug self-absorbed twat does.