VESTS: Why do we need a garment that only warms the torso? If your torso needs an extra layer of warmth, your arms do, too. And I’m not talking about vests that are only for decor like we wore in the 1980’s, because we all know that over-sized vests were the shit. I’m talking about puffy vests. And I’ve tried. A good friend of mine loves vests. She swears that they’re great for when you’re running errands and don’t want to be weighed down by a coat. I get that. But that’s when you forgo the coat for a hoodie, right? #nevervests

OPEN-TOED BOOTS: Again, are we cold or warm here, people? If it’s cold enough to wear freakin’ shoebooties, your toes should be covered. And you can’t wear socks if you’re wearing open-toed shoes. So that means you can’t wear socks with these boots and what kind of sociopath doesn’t wear socks with boots?

If you need your knees covered by boots, then how are your toes warm, PATRICIA?

SHORT-SLEEVED OR SLEEVELESS TURTLENECKS: For the love of all that is holy, why do these exist? If I put my personal hatred of turtlenecks (wearing one is like being slowly choked to death by tiny polycotton demon hands) aside, I can understand a short-sleeved or sleeveless turtleneck as something to wear under a jacket or cardigan. But I’ve seen way too many women wearing them as a stand-alone garment. If your neck is cold, then your arms should be in need of covering as well.

And what’s up with the woman in this photograph? It’s cold enough for a turtleneck but but her stomach is fine with being left in the breeze? Whatevs, JANICE.

SKIRT AND PANTS COMBOS: It’s like we’ve gotten too lazy to put leggings and a skirt on separately, the way God intended. A good friend of mine who is extremely fashionable defended this article of clothing to me when it was first a thing a decade or so ago. And it looked good on her, but she’s one of those people who can wear anything so her opinion doesn’t count because she might not be human. It can’t be both pants and a skirt at the same time.

However, I’ve come around on the idea of skorts, which are skirts with shorts attached beneath. But the shorts don’t show unless you’re being unladylike and since I’m often unladylike it’s nice to have shorts covering my drawers.

CULOTTES: Again, it can’t be both pants and a skirt. Stop trying, DENISE.

Hmm. Maybe I have sensory issues?