Guest Post by Jesse Suphan: Feral Cats for Russia


A group of American animal-loving homosexuals may have temporarily solved the homophobic driven violence in Russia. They have been shipping and releasing huge numbers of feral cats into the cities of Russia. Thanks to a grant provided by the Obama administration, these cats that would have been put down are now being given a second chance. The cats are being captured, sedated, dyed in a variety of rainbow colors, and shipped to random cities in Russia.

“This whole thing started out as a joke. Some friends and I were sitting around smoking pot thought it would be hilarious if we starting mailing unwanted cats to Russia. One thing led to another and we grabbed a cat from the alleyway near my apartment. We gave the cat some Ambien, put that cat in a box, and sent it to Russia. It’s surprisingly easy to get people on board, between their desire to get rid of the screaming of feral cats from their neighborhoods and their dislike for Russian policy,” said the leader of the group Feral Cats for Russia, Penni Jones.

The effect on hate crimes has been quite dramatic. Neo-Nazi Dmitry Konstantin says “I planned on spending the day beating up people I think are gay, but I simply can’t. These feral cats have become more than we can handle. They seem to be in constant heat. It’s unbearable. The gays really got us on this one.”

The Russian Council of Ministers was to pass another bill enforcing anti-gay legislation; however the feral cats have made the Russian White House “ground zero” for breeding. Minister of Justice Alexander Konovalov had this to say: “We try and we try to get in building, the stench is like nothing I have ever experienced. We were going to make it so that the gays would have to be confined to camps. We simply cannot.”

Local LGBT persons have made following comments: “It’s not great, but better than being beaten up I suppose.” -Ivan Ivanovich. “It’s like the cartoon American Tail where the cats destroy the city, but I haven’t had a bottle thrown at my head in days. They have to use all bottles and weapons against the cats.” -Tatyana Ivanovna

Some citizens actually enjoy the feral cat boom. “I have never been so happy to see so many darling cats. I have let as many will fit into my home, and given them all names. I am going to start knitting them all sweaters before the winter,” said Ekaterina Grigorevna, who later died of cat inflicted wounds while trying to bottle feed the cats.

At a press conference this afternoon president Obama was asked if he was worried about having a shortage of cats. He replied, “Have you seen the show Hoarders? I am pretty sure we will have enough cats to start a campaign in North Korea as soon as December.”

Russian scientists have released a statement that says by 2015 the diseased feral cats will outnumber every Russian citizen ten to one. When Vladimir Putin was asked for a statement, he said, “It’s like something from a horror movie. Feral cats everyplace. There is no escape.” He added that he and his family will be applying for asylum with the United States.

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jesse2 This is Jesse. He’s fabulous and makes me laugh.